Ready to pull my hair out!

[webgirl8369]

So my DD is 13, and attached herself to a 15 year old 8th grade boy this year. As their relationship progressed, it got increasingly more scary. He would call over and over again if she didn't answer, he punched things, he was ALWAYS in trouble, even going so far as to get pulled off a bus and put in the back of a police car for threatining the driver.

I limited their interaction, but soon found that they were sneaking around behind my back. After I caught them the 3rd time, I told them they weren't allowed to see each other anymore. I've restricted my daughter from the phone, internet, and leaving the house, but she's still sneaking around behind my back. I caught her sending texts on her Ipod and dropped it in water, and tonight found out she's been sneaking phone calls to the kid at midnight nearly every night for the past two weeks.

I generally follow a rule that I don't attempt to pick my DDs friends because I know it makes the temptation even more but the relationship with this boy is EXTREMELY unhealthy and the boy is manipulative. A trait my daughter has clearly inherited. My DD has started leaving me notes saying she wants to die if she can't see him, and short of locking her in a closet, I just don't know what to do.

I'm at my wits end.

[KittenKrump]

I like this. Get her really busy and into something. Have her hang out with her girl friends and see what they are doing, she might just realize they are having much more fun single than she is in this relationship and break it off herself.

Quoting drfink:

Bless your heart.I have a friend that is going through something similar only it's the girl that is very controllingThey are 15.The girl's dad is concerned and works with my friend .Her mom just thinks it is young love...with threats of suicide umm no....My friend has gotten their son very involved in many activities and includes male friends with everything.Slowly but surely he is letting go also.His mom allowed contact in the house with her there.She recently organized a all guy poker/movie night at her house for her son.The girl texted ,called ,screamed and cried all night that he was distracted from texting her.His friends encouraged him to cut his phone off and eventually he did !!!

If you can keep her active and busy maybe he will burn himself out.

[annie2244]

I like all the ideas that keep her away from him, and the idea of keeping her busy. YMCA sleep away camp for a few weeks? It so helps to get out of the environment. Parochial school in the fall? Peer group is 90% of the battle. What's the rest of her story - does she have a good group of girlfriends who aren't a problem? Does she want to do well in school? Does she have college and career goals? The less the answer is 'yes' to all those questions, the more I'd urge you to get her in a good school full of kids headed to college and strict parents. Really, peer group is huge. Boys like this guy are kicked out of parochial school.

I wouldn't befriend the boy in the hopes of reforming him. You have no relationship with him, and your DD hardly knows him also. You are not the social worker to deliquent boys who wish to recruit your DD!

[Maevelyn]

I'm really opposed to allowing kids to remain in class after they've failed more then one year of school for this reason. He's too old for her and isn't interacting with kids his own age. I've been in classes where 12 year old girls are flirting with 16 or 17 year old boys. Are they to blame? By placing them in the same grade we (the adults) are essentially telling them "these are your peers, this is who you should interact with" and I think stunting their emotional growth. I'm sure it's possible to find a 13 year old who'd be a bad influence but IMO for their ages (it will be different in a few years) the gap is too large. I'm completely on your side for this one. I'd unplug every phone in the house and lock them with the router in my room. I'd contact his parents and explain to them that because neither child can respect your rules (for the sake of peace put the blame on both of them) that your daughter is grounded and isn't allowed to see him or date anyone. Make her go to counseling if she's making death threats (but she's probably just messing with you.) I went to school with a girl who would "attempt suicide" to be dramatic, she would swallow a nonlethal dose of something and tell her mom, write suicide notes and then hide so she could enjoy everyone's panic and then her mom would feel guilty and give her whatever it was she wanted. It was an ongoing and escalating kind of thing since her power came from shock value. The real problem was she was bound to succeed on accident. Her parents were divorced and finally (and this is a horrible thing that you should never do) her dad basically called her home for an "emergency" and convinced her that her little brother had died in an accident, step mom's at the hospital we need to go now ect. It' was borderline abusive but she got the idea.   

[bizzeemom2717]

This! Good luck hope all turns out okay.

Quoting atlmom2:

13 year old with a 15 year old. No way. I would get an alarm system. She would not be seeing him again. She would only be out with adults only.

[chelle7171]

I agree with everyone about she is headed down the wrong path here. And then I thought about something my mother always told me the harder you try to keep them apart the stronger there bond becomes. So try just making it where she can only see him when u r present if u show her that u take all the fun and excitement out of it and then it's no fun anymore

[sunflowers12]

Oh boy, this is a tough situation but your right in all your efforts... If I were in this situation I think it would be in the best interest of your dd to not have anything at all to do with him.. because what to say these unhealthy traits do not affect your dd at some point... I would be afraid for her and try to put as much distance as possible between the two..