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son gets pleasure by causing fear

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:06 PM
  • 12 Replies

My 12 year old son told me last night he likes his evil personality and continues by saying it pleases him to cause fear in other people including his little 3 year old sister!  He is a bright straight A student with little friends.  He is a very caring young man but lately he has been very hateful and aggervating. He likes the attention he gets from being strange.  Now I love him very much even all the strange things about him but he is having some troubling thoughts and even said when I make him mad he day dreams of pushing me down the stairs.  He calls me a strict mother but believe me I am not.  I like to stick to the rules and I have my days that are worse than others but I never spank or belittle my children! Even when I do yel at them I constantly reitterate that I hate yelling and I really do.  He has never had any strong dicipline instilled in him because he was not a bad child but here lately I have been wanting to reconsider my forms of punishment.  I called our local counseling and set him up to speak with someone but my biggest fear is that our relationship will get way worse if I do not do something now.  ANY ADVICE OR CHAT WOULD BE APPRECIATED as I do not know what to do!

 

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sunflowers12
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:37 PM
It's kinda hard to say what he is thinking.. I have three boys 16, 15, 10 and they do have their darker moments in which I get on to them about the issuse.. I know that they have gone through a phase kinda like this I just ground them.. if I am going to be accused of being mean.. then I may well do it I guess... I think when they come to understand that people will not like them or wanta be around them they get it... and that's what I tell them to "you might think your funny n cool but your only hurting your self cause no one will wanta be your friend".

It's helped.. hope he straighten out for you...
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jun. 26, 2012 at 2:42 PM

He told you exactly why he does it, he likes the attention he recieves, I would stop giving him that attention. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 26, 2012 at 3:03 PM
Stop giving attention and personally, I would get him counseling.
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DarlaHood
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 3:17 PM

Maybe you and he could volunteer to help people or animals who have been bullied, abused, or have been underdogs.  Maybe getting a good feeling and attention for being compassioniate, and having a greater understanding of what some people go through would help him to develop that side of himself.  And you could spend some time together while doing it.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jun. 26, 2012 at 3:21 PM

You're definitely doing the right thing by seeking counseling for your son.

What does he do that's strange and how are you and others reacting to it?

Does he have a positive outlet for his creative side or to hang out with peers that have similar interests? Maybe some art or creative writing classes would be a good outlet for him?

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:51 PM

I think counselling sounds like a good place to start. As others have already said don't give attention to the "evil" behaviors but praise and reward the good behaviors he'll learn the good behaviors will get him much better attention than the bad behaviors do.

bamababe1975
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 7:34 PM

 I agree. Good luck!

Quoting mumsy2three:

I think counselling sounds like a good place to start. As others have already said don't give attention to the "evil" behaviors but praise and reward the good behaviors he'll learn the good behaviors will get him much better attention than the bad behaviors do.

 

annie2244
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 8:05 PM

Counseling does sound like a really good idea.

He needs specific predictable short term consequences to specific bad behaviors, but meted out unemotionally, like it's a boring drag, let's get back to all the fun that happens when you are behaving well as soon as your punishment is over. And then specify all the stuff you want to see more of, in specific behavior terms, and point it out, praise it and add a star to the calendar for that day: you have a calm voice and don't use aggressive words or actions when spending time with your sister - 1 star. Your sister is giggling with you and you're actively sharing or involving her in a way she enjoys - another star. At a meal, you use a calm voice, don't use aggressive words or actions, stay till excused and clear your place - 1 star. You also happily converse with everyone and bring the conversation one notch happier than it would have been without you - another star.  Etc. 5 stars in a day gets you an extra hour of screen time tomorrow. 6 stars gets everyone dessert tomorrow night at dinner. 7 stars gets you 1/3 of the way toward a waterpark day with your friends.

Sorta toddler-pavlovian, but I think it still works with 12 y/o's. I had to do something like this with my oldest when she was in 7/8th grade. She was a pain, and our home life was spiralling negatively down, she was always in the dog house which then brought out more bad behavior. I ended up not tallying up any daily points, but keeping the part where I noticed every little thing I could that was positive as we went through each day, and kept unemotional about the short term consequences that had to be meted out for bad behavior. Aargh. It was a phase that passed. Thank god. Counseling helped hugely too, after finding a counselor she actually wanted to talk to.

bizzeemom2717
by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 1:04 AM
Yep, this..good luck.

Quoting mumsy2three:

I think counselling sounds like a good place to start. As others have already said don't give attention to the "evil" behaviors but praise and reward the good behaviors he'll learn the good behaviors will get him much better attention than the bad behaviors do.

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amonkeymom
by on Jun. 27, 2012 at 2:11 PM

Great advice!

Quoting mumsy2three:

I think counselling sounds like a good place to start. As others have already said don't give attention to the "evil" behaviors but praise and reward the good behaviors he'll learn the good behaviors will get him much better attention than the bad behaviors do.


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