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Says she has "no friends" and I don't know how to help

Posted by on Jun. 28, 2012 at 4:18 PM
  • 12 Replies

Hi, do you have any advice on helping my DD connect better with her friends?  Most of them always seem too busy to do things with her and she often is excluded from things they are doing.  She is smart and attractive and has a good sense of humor and I don't know why she often is sitting at home.  It isn't like they are fighting....she is just often excluded or they plan to do something with her and then cancel out.  She has had plans cancelled out many times...I think what happens is that some of those friends agree to do something with her until a "better offer" comes along and then they cancel out on her.  She couldnt get anyone to agree to come over this weekend to celebrate her birthday; everyone was "busy" or out of town.  I feel so bad because I know she gets lonely.  She participates in swimming for high school but that won't start up until mid-August and then that is just practice.  She also participates in gymnastics but that doesn't start until winter.  She rarely goes out to do things with friends and I feel so her age (just about 17), she should be doing things with friends, such as going to football or basketball games, parties, the beach, and so on...but she is home almost all the time.  She applied at a few bakeries for part-time work but they were not hiring....I told her she needs to try more places (she loves to bake and decorate desserts so wanted to try a bakery).  It is as if her friends want to text her and be Facebook friends but don't want to actually do things with her.  I've tried to convince her to reach out more and invite people to do things but when she tries that, they later cancel out or are busy.  I have tried to get her into counseling in the past but she only went once and refused to go again.  My ex did not support having her go to counseling so I had to let that issue drop.  I just wish I could help her either make new friends or else help her connect with her present friends better.  I don't think she treats them poorly or is mean....I am suspecting she might be more immature than they are.

by on Jun. 28, 2012 at 4:18 PM
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by on Jun. 28, 2012 at 5:13 PM
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You could try and get her into volunteering. It could be something she really enjoys and could meet other with the same interests as her.
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by Grumpy on Jun. 28, 2012 at 5:15 PM

This is just something she's going to have to figure out herself.  Perhaps there is a reason that they are getting better offers.  Maybe she's not doing anything they want to do too.  Why doesn't she ask them what they are doing and see if she can go?  They may not think she enjoys the same things.

by on Jun. 28, 2012 at 5:26 PM

I agree with crazylife, volunteering is a great way to meet friends.  Also a youth group is a great option because they have activities going on all the time. 

by on Jun. 28, 2012 at 10:19 PM

Sorry. but something is not adding up here. Do you know for  a fact that she has friends?  I know kids are busy these days, but I find it hard to believe they can never get together.  You mentioned that your daughter is attractive. Could it be  that the other girls see her as a threat?  My heart goes out to her.  My son went through the same thing.  We moved the summer before his freshman  year and he really didn't have any friends in high school.  It broke my heart.  This is supposed to be the best time of thier lives.

by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 12:37 AM
Ugh! I went through something similiar and now my 13 year old son is too and its breaking my heart! I was just super shy and it really peaked at the start of high school. I wasnt a nerd or a jock and I didnt fit in with the popular girls, I actually thought most of them were snobs, though I never told people that. I thought I was pretty, I was thin, I had pretty blonde hair. I couldnt figure out what the problem was. Whenever I DID make a friend she would say "oh youre really sweet, I always thought you were kinda stuck up cuz you never talk to anyone". People didnt really talk to me and I was too shy to initiate a convo with otheq girls but inside I was crying for someone to be my friend. So people THOUGHT I was stuck up! If they only knew! Im sorry I dont have any advice, this topic just really hit home. Best of luck to your daughter.
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by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 1:14 AM

maybe she's parting her ways with her friends after all if this is her last year of high school she's trying to get alot of things figured out with collage and everything else that she has to prepare for i do recall my last year of high school but my issues where very different i had a child at seventeen and married and there for me and my DH where both teenagers and we had felt like outcast because we had a big responsibilities and no time for our friends but this is all i can tell you is to just relax and take time in getting to know your DD much better thin what you think you do ( don't become her friend) and find out really why her friends are ditching it could be because they are into something that she isn't booze ect you never know until you really set back and talk with her

by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:20 AM
I think meeting some new people, the volunteering this summer great idea. Even if you arent a religious family, youth groups are usually very accepting.
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by Susie on Jun. 29, 2012 at 8:51 AM
She has to find her niche. I wonder what happened to her friends, really?. Did she ever say why every friend is gone?
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by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 9:05 AM

 Maybe she needs to change her definition of friends! From reading your post, these "friends" sound more like acquaintances not FRIENDS! I had lots of acquatintances in high school but just a few FRIENDS! I would suggest that she find one person that has some of the same interests as her and build on that...not try to be friends with's that one true friend that you really need!

by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 9:17 AM
Try to find a place where she can meet a different group of kids. Volunteering is a good way. We changed church's because the youth group at our old church was so small and my boys didn't grow up with the other kids and were never really accepted. Our new church has a huge youth group and they both met new kids and it's much better for them.
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