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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Mom with 3 teenagers

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 12:48 PM
  • 11 Replies

Good morning Ladies, I am new at this and I am going to put it all out there. For 9 years I have been through h---- with my oldest son. My husband and I have taken him to counsling put in youth jail. We feel we have done everything we new how. But somehow I still feel I have FAILED. He has a lot of anger issue, others thinks he is bipolar and now, I am beginning to wonder also. When he was younger the kids he hung out with where druggies and so was he. It was so hard for me as I never grew-up like that. And now days pot seem like its ok, with pot smoking days and dispensary's all over. I have mix feelings if it should be legal or not. Anyways I hardly have friends over as I never knew when he would have a fit he sometimes would get physical and verbal. So now here is where the probably is now. My daughter doesn't like have her friends over so I would let her go to their house 2 or 3 night in a row. So she is use to that. Well now she is a teen and I want to be apart of her and friends life. She is in high school and has so many new friends. (which she tells me she will never be like my son and doesn't hang out with people who do drugs) But she seem to not want me so much like asking to meet the parents or having their phone no..("Dont you trust me") She thinks I want to know everything. She says her friends have the freedom to come and go and their parents trust them. So they don't have a curfew!! Well I believe there should be one. She is going to couseling because of how much we have all been through with her oldest brother, and her couselor said I should give her more space and that I am not going to know all her friends and parents. " Excuse me, yeah I will." Her couslor is a social worker also! It is so confusing and I want to be a good mother, but I am worn-out from my 20 year old and don't know how to move him out.(He is 20 but mentally 15). He is getting better on his anger and only smoking pot, which still bothers me, but its better then what ever he was doing. He does have learning issues, tried college not successful. He just started working and they laid him off for al couple weeks. Hopefully that's all. As its nice when he is out of the house for a while and I just want him to start a life for himself. He does have a girlfriend so he can make friends but does have some issues with social life. I didn't even know if he would be able to hold a job?? So my question is does anybody have ideas of how I can get him to move out and have a life or should I not be inbarressed on how he is and treats me or other people? And what are some of your rules on teenagers do they have a curfew?  Thanks for listening  :(   sad and worn-out.

by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 12:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:25 PM

welcome

Welcome to the group.

I didn't go through such a tough situation with my oldest when he was a teen, nor am I going through anything like it with my daughter now.  So, I won't try to offer you advice.  Just a (((hug))).

ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:46 PM
Oh my gosh! Im not going through this as my boys are 13 and almost 8, but it sounds just like the situation with my parents and us years ago. Actually, I am 9 yrs older than my sis and 11 yrs older then my bro. I am now 40. When my bro was little(maybe 7 to 10 or 11) he had MAJOR behavior issues. To put it mildly, he was just an A hole. Then as a teen he got into pot. I had already moved out of the house. My poor parents were just like you. They never knew what to expect from him. My poor sis had to go through all his crap and abuse too. When bro got a bit older he started drinking. Hes a pass out drunk. My sis is now 31 and married but she will never forgive bro for what he put everyone thru. Their relationship is done forever. My bro is VERY smart but has depression/anxiety like me. He takes paxil but downplays his probs. Hes in massive denial. Hes almost 30. 6 mos. ago he moved out for the 1st time. 4 mos. later he moved back home. He is so F ed up but wont admit it even to himself. Hes had 2 DUIs.
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ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:58 PM
Sorry,Im mobile so it cut me off. Needless to say hes still causing everyone grief. Please PM me if you want and we can talk more.

Quoting ashleighmama:

Oh my gosh! Im not going through this as my boys are 13 and almost 8, but it sounds just like the situation with my parents and us years ago. Actually, I am 9 yrs older than my sis and 11 yrs older then my bro. I am now 40. When my bro was little(maybe 7 to 10 or 11) he had MAJOR behavior issues. To put it mildly, he was just an A hole. Then as a teen he got into pot. I had already moved out of the house. My poor parents were just like you. They never knew what to expect from him. My poor sis had to go through all his crap and abuse too. When bro got a bit older he started drinking. Hes a pass out drunk. My sis is now 31 and married but she will never forgive bro for what he put everyone thru. Their relationship is done forever. My bro is VERY smart but has depression/anxiety like me. He takes paxil but downplays his probs. Hes in massive denial. Hes almost 30. 6 mos. ago he moved out for the 1st time. 4 mos. later he moved back home. He is so F ed up but wont admit it even to himself. Hes had 2 DUIs.
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LuLuRex
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 4:38 PM

welcome

MrsBLB
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 5:47 PM

Welcome to the group.  I would get him tested by docs and family counseling.  You have not failed.  ((hugs))

DarlaHood
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 6:34 PM

First of all, welcome, and I'm really sorry for your situation.  Sounds exhausting!  I really feel for you.  You have 2 separate issues I think.  The easier one is your daughter.  I do agree that you have to have rules, curfew, and you do have to check that they are where they say they are and it is what it's supposed to be.  However, don't punish your dd for your ds' behavior.  If you do find she is honest, and honoring rules and curfew, then reward her with your pride, and a little freedom.  With my dd's they knew that trust = freedom.  The more I could trust them, the more they could do because I could feel safe with it.  Judge your dd on her own behavior, not your son's. 

Your son is much harder, and it sounds like you have already tried many things.  He may need to see psychaitrist, and be properly medicated if he is bipolar.  I would not assume that he is not capable of keeping a job.  I would expect that he do just that.  Don't sell him short by having no expectations.  Make it clear that you expect certain basic things, and that his continuing to live with you and have privileges is contingent upon doing just that.  Set reasonable time lines and then follow through.  This is what you have to do if you ever want him to be independent.  That said, it is not easy, and you should have a counselor for objective support.

Belinda79
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 6:37 PM

Thanks for listen. 

right now my daughter and I are in a battle as she want to go the mall come home and do algabra (to keep her busy) then go to a midnight movie with a girlfriend and some boys.  I said she could go to 7 or 9 movie. I told her she could go to the mall. She said she wouldn't go to the mall if she could go the the movies. Well that wasn't good enough.  so she for the first time called me a b---- so. I turned her phone off and took her lap top.   I am hoping we can talk later, but time will tell. I am just hoping she doesn't do something stupid like going out after I go to bed.  As I was up until 3 am this morning with my (18year old) boy having friends over out back after we go to sleep. It Has been hard having rules with my oldest and then the other 2 think they should do what they want.  I just picked My daughter up yesterday from a 2/3night sleepover.  I told her that she can invite her friends here.... Right like that is going to happen with the old brother, which now he  if is around almost all the time.   But not so funny they were talking in her bedroom when I got home today, as they do get along at times.  I don't get it how so many of her friends go out so late, but maybe they have been at home some also.  I don't know I hope I am doing the right things.  I went to the library today and got some teen books hopefully that will help. I am feeling weak as my son also use to threatened us. And my mother was a single mom and was gone a lot.  She started leaving me home alone until 4am when I was about 8 or 9.  So my parenting skills are from what I feel is right, some love and logic classes and books. I never left my kids side. We hardly had a babysitter. But some of the books I am reading sound somewhat the same. Teenagers adrenalineWOOOW! And I am menopause.

MrsBLB
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 8:11 PM

Hang in there

Quoting Belinda79:

Thanks for listen. 

right now my daughter and I are in a battle as she want to go the mall come home and do algabra (to keep her busy) then go to a midnight movie with a girlfriend and some boys.  I said she could go to 7 or 9 movie. I told her she could go to the mall. She said she wouldn't go to the mall if she could go the the movies. Well that wasn't good enough.  so she for the first time called me a b---- so. I turned her phone off and took her lap top.   I am hoping we can talk later, but time will tell. I am just hoping she doesn't do something stupid like going out after I go to bed.  As I was up until 3 am this morning with my (18year old) boy having friends over out back after we go to sleep. It Has been hard having rules with my oldest and then the other 2 think they should do what they want.  I just picked My daughter up yesterday from a 2/3night sleepover.  I told her that she can invite her friends here.... Right like that is going to happen with the old brother, which now he  if is around almost all the time.   But not so funny they were talking in her bedroom when I got home today, as they do get along at times.  I don't get it how so many of her friends go out so late, but maybe they have been at home some also.  I don't know I hope I am doing the right things.  I went to the library today and got some teen books hopefully that will help. I am feeling weak as my son also use to threatened us. And my mother was a single mom and was gone a lot.  She started leaving me home alone until 4am when I was about 8 or 9.  So my parenting skills are from what I feel is right, some love and logic classes and books. I never left my kids side. We hardly had a babysitter. But some of the books I am reading sound somewhat the same. Teenagers adrenalineWOOOW! And I am menopause.


bizzeemom2717
by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 11:46 PM
I agree and welcome to the grouop.

Quoting MrsBLB:

Welcome to the group.  I would get him tested by docs and family counseling.  You have not failed.  ((hugs))

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bamababe1975
by on Jul. 4, 2012 at 2:12 PM

 I agree. ((HUGS)) and good luck!

Quoting MrsBLB:

Welcome to the group.  I would get him tested by docs and family counseling.  You have not failed.  ((hugs))

 
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