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My 13 year old wants to live with drug using father......

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 2:34 AM
  • 33 Replies

Im completely new to this site, but am needing some motherly advice, BADLY! This is kind of a long story, so brace yourself. But please read and maybe give advice if you can. Im at a complete standstill not knowing how to handle this. Im will try to explain in as short of detail, without leaving out the important stuff, as possible.

In November, my daughter (13) turned her father in for growing/selling marijuana. But also, before she did this, she told him she didnt like it in the home, and if he didnt quit, she was going to turn him in. He grabbed her by her arm and threw her across the living room and told her he would "Knock her f*ing teeth down her throat". Then he would go drop her off in the woods. (now, there are many, many more instances of abuse, ecspecially verbal) I did not know all of this until she told me, when she told the cops and DHS. Who both told me to keep her with me, not to go back. She filled out a PPO telling all of this and it was granted. It is in effect until November 2012. We set a court date and he WILLINGLY signed over any visitation with her before the judge even called us in the room. A week later, I was granted full physical/legal custody. I recently came to see my 6 year old daughter (who lives with her father), out of state and decided to petition the court to move my 13 year old so that all my kids can live together. I just found out today that her father, even after all this, is not only trying to fight me on moving, but is also trying to get custody!!!! I could barely believe it. But heres the kicker...... Unfortunately, due to his behavior/lifestyle, my daughter has never had a real relationship with her father(who wouldnt pick her up when she was little either, just never been there for her), and is now thinking that , maybe she wants to go live with him. Even after the drug use, abuse, etc. I understand that she is fishing for a relationship with him, and wants it more than anything, but this man is EXACTLY the same as when I met him 17 years ago. He smokes pot and plays video games....one of those! She is convinced that he will change and things will be better now. I've tried explaining that things will only be worse there now and that I love her and will fight til the death of me, to keep her away from it. I've even offered her supervised visitation with him, once the PPO is no longer in affect. But of course, I am now the bad person and she hates me. She is determined to have this relationship with him, that I, unfortunately, know is NOT going to happen. HELP!!!!! I dont know how to handle this, what to say to her, etc. Do I even need to worry that she might get a say in court, or will the judge simply look at the circumstances and not even ask her??? Im just so worried, and angry and sad! I dont want her hurt.....and ecspecially not again by him. Any advice would be helpful, even soothing. Im lost......


by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 2:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bizzeemom2717
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 3:20 AM
1 mom liked this
You are the parent, the one in charge, also the one who's obligation is to make sure your kids are in a safe and healthy enviornment. Sit her down, explain this and stress how much you love her. She may well be angry, but still has to know as the parent your duty to do what's best.
If in fact her dad is an active pot smoker there is no way in hell the court will let her live there.
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proudmother5946
by Member on Jul. 12, 2012 at 7:03 AM
1 mom liked this
You're the parent, she's the child. You're the one who has her best interests at heart. She will eventually figure that out.
My DD(13) tried to pull the live with daddy crap too. Well, after her yearly visitation with him, she's changed her mind.



kiminsean
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 7:05 AM
Exactly what pp said
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Tiffersmu
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 7:09 AM
This is why parenting is so tough. I would sit her down and explain that sometimes parents do things that do not seem fair but its only because you love her. She will probably even thank you someday. You understand her feelings but now is not the time. She will someday be old enough to make huge decisions like this on her own, but for now its your job to do what's in her best interest. Good luck.
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Tiffersmu
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 7:11 AM
Oh, and its not
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Tiffersmu
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 7:11 AM
2 moms liked this
Oh, and its not YOU keeping her away from her dad, its her Dad by making irresponsible decisions, whether he wants to fight in court for her or not.
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hpickard
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 10:17 AM

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I do feel I am doing the right thing, its more of trying to figure out how to do it "peacefully". And maybe its not gonna happen. Not only is it hard to worry that your child thinks going back to this is ok, but fighting with her about it constantly and trying to make her understand, is even harder. I dont understand it AT ALL!!! She is a very bright kid. She has never been in trouble (law wise) and has straight A's in school, been on the honor roll since she was little. So why is she thinking this is a good idea??? That life will be better for her??? And I COMPLETELY agree with it being her fathers fault for making those decisions and putting her in this mess in the first place, but if you try to tell her that, she will tell you she was wrong and shouldn't have turned him in. Because now hes mad at her. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess all I can do is keep reaffirming her that SHE is not to blame, she did the right thing and HE is the one to blame. 

I wrote her this note last night and slid it under her door. This is what it says.... "No matter what you say or do, I will always love you! You're my baby girl and I will NEVER, EVER stop fighting for you or protecting you. You are my whole world and I will do everything I can to keep you by my side. Someday you will realize this and be very grateful for it. I LOVE YOU"......the response I got was the word "LIE" in black marker across it. 

How am I going to make it through this?????

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 12, 2012 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

What else is going on here? Why does she suddenly want to be with her dad after willingly have a PPO put in place a few months ago? Why is she calling you a liar on your note?

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jul. 12, 2012 at 12:04 PM
1 mom liked this

I am confused.   You want to move you and your 13 yr old to a different State to live with your 6 yr old and her Father?    Maybe that is the problem?   The 13 yr old would rather live with her own Dad than her former step-dad?    

MrsBLB
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 1:48 PM
1 mom liked this

You do what you have to do, to keep her safe.  

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