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17 year old with a 21 year old..what do you think?

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I'm new here and wanted to see if you guys think that this is wrong.

My daughter just graduated from high school, will be 18 in 6 weeks. She has a guy friend that has been talking to her, which I recently met and found out that he is 21. Met..well more like I went to the movies and found out my daughter lied and said she was going with someone else and then walked out with this kid. I was furious and yelled at her, while the whole time the little sneak hid from me. I have tried to tell her that if he was respectful that he would of introduced himself to me but instead hid. I have already told this kid that he has no business with a 17 year old and if he touches my daughter I will call the cops. They have not had sex or are now allowed to even be alone together.

I have not forbid her to see him, I told her I have never said who she can or cannot be friends with, but that I hope she does not screw up her life for a summer fling. She leaves for college in 6 weeks on a full scholarship but I have now found out that this kid transferred and is also planning on the same college as she is attending. We cannot talk to his parents as they are dead. She is very niave and has not had many boyfriends..well only 2 and they were more of a school boyfriends and they hardly ever saw each other out of school. I just hate the idea that she will go away to college and screw up her life because of this boy..who by the way is a total shit, he's mean to people when she is not around, if she gets up to go some wheres he asks her where she is going, he texts her non stop, oh and if she posts something on facebook within seconds he replies. Its getting a little spooky because we know his family was a family of violence. The father use to beat up the mom and well...he killed her and then himself. So yeah I'm a little freaked out by this kid and he is showing us some signs of being controlling, stalkerish.

 

by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 12:31 AM
Replies (21-23):
annie2244
by Silver Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:23 PM

I think it's really wierd and a bad sign for his maturity level that he is switching colleges to be with her. Yuck. Clingy, needy.

So - I'd not focus on him. I'd focus on her. Talk loads with her about how she envisions the next 10 years. How many guys would she like to date before picking one to be with for the rest of her life? How much traveling and additional education does she envision before settling down? What makes an ideal person (discussing how each person in a healthy relationship is confident and independent and capable of finding love with any number of people so thus no desperation and controlling exists in ideal people - the kind she wants to be, the kind she wants to spend time with). If you have lots of conversations to help her envision how things can be for her, she will of her own volition show the door to any clingy guy her freshman year in college.  The faster you start these conversations the better - ideally  she realizes this summer that she should  tell him she's not necessarily just dating him, and not necessarily continuing to date him any length of time, once she starts college, and that switching schools to be with her, given that, seems not the best move.

I'd also tell her that freshman year, especially 1st term, is the most amazing fun guyseverywhere asking you out blast. Everyone wants to meet everyone. To be saddled with some clingy older guy from home who's followed you and hovering over you, spoiling your unfettered enjoyment of this amazing freshman fun, would be such a waste of a time in life that never comes again.

There's clingy desperate guys everywhere. The focus should be enlightening her thinking process, not controlling access to him.  

soldiermom1986
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 10:11 PM

Hmmm.... my 18 bf proposed to me when I was 15....we got married when i was in high school...i dropped out 5 months away from garduating to move in with him as my mom kicked me out.... he cheated on me relentlessly and i was just dumb... I wasted 7 years and my whole high school life ona long distance relationship with this guy while he was in the navy. we split after 6 years of separation. 


I learned the hard way. I even got pregnant down the road, which may not have had happened if I didnt marry this guy. 


But part of the reason I I stayd with him was bc my dad forbade him....anything forbidden is a MUST for a teenage girl. so...id suggest the serious talks still, but...try to meet her halfway. I dunno... or not! Your her mother. 


what shes doing really isnt appropriate, but yet, you might want to ler her learn the hard way (i dont mean by stds or preganancy) but...there are other things to be dealt with there...

good luck with this one. 

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 10:31 PM
1 mom liked this
Keep your eyes open and communicate with her often. She hears you even if she doesn't like what you say.
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