I cannot give too many specifics but we have temporary custody of my 16 (almost 17) year old sister and so she is coming from a house with absolutely no freedoms and emmotional/mental abuse and some physical to a house where the worst thing that happens is I will yell and ground or take away privlages (I am hormonal and for some reason seem to raise my voice more :( I am working on that).
We are wanting to sit down with S and work out a plan (curfew, responsibilities/chores, etc.) with her input. We have a few basics in place already. No phone calls after 10 on a school night, after 11 on a non school night. We are debating on a curfew time like 9 or 10 on a school night and then 11 on the weekends?
We want her to have freedom and respect but we do not want to overwhelm her and have no structure, ya kwim?
HELP! lol Before her I have only dealt with potty training and timeouts for my DS3...
That is what I was thinking as well. but like I want to be reasonable at the same time. She is pretty responsible for the most part, she has been working fulltime for almost a year now and has had to buy her own clothes, hygiene products, cell phone, vet bills, and pay birth mother and bm's bf gas money (they wouldn't let her get herr DL) so I am worried about giving too much too fast and not giving enough ya know?
Together, you can come up with the boundaries that work for all of you. If she is used to fending for herself, she may have hard to break habits and insecurities.
I think your curfew times are reasonable, but should be negotiable. I'm not big on curfews with my sons, it feels like saying "do what you want, with whom you want...just be in by 11". I prefer to set the expected curfew to the activity. If they are going to a concert or a football game, I give them a reasonable amount of time to see the end and make their way home. If they want to see a Midnight showing of a movie, that's okay. I set the curfew accordingly.
I suggest you discuss visisting hours, as well! My sons will have friends over at all hours, if allowed. I am not comfortable with teens coming and going from my home all night, so I have a set rule: If the friend(s) have not been invited to stay the night, they need to leave by 1 am.
I like the setting the curfew to the activity and as far as friends over goes it will depend on circumstances and loudness because of having a 3 yo and a newborn lol Thanks fot the advice! now do you have anything on dating?? She now has a boyfriend (they met at work, they are servers together at IHOP)
the child labor laws here are a little more lax apparently...she went to school and everything but was always picking up shifts and her grades did drop dramatically. She knows that if her grades start to suffer that work will be the first thing to go because we want her to enjoy what is left of her childhood.
I personally would not set a bunch of limits with specific times up front. I recognize that she's not used to freedom, but I think it will help her more to get in the practice of sitting down with you and talking through an appropriate curfew depending on the plans. That way she learns to reason about what is reasonable and smart instead of just responding to your rules.
Basically with my teens, trust and responsibility = freedom, and no trust, no responsibility = no freedom. The amount of freedom they earned was directly related to how trustworthy and responsible they proved to be. It worked well because they understood their part of the bargain.
Do you expect academic excellence from your kids? POLL Added
- MissMia22
on Aug. 12, 2012 at 11:10 AM