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Is there any way to deal with a mother in law who I personally believe is evil and psychotic?  Here's some back story.

When husband and I got together she told me that she would appreciate it if I would understand that exwife was like a daughter to her (they had been married 18 years) and that they still talked.  I told her no problem, just don't invite us to the same party.

She then spent 4 years telling me how wonderful I was and how horrible exwife was, as a mother, a wife, a person.  I found out later that she was doing the same with exwife.

Then my husband's oldest went to live with her and he told his dad how much everyone there hated me so hubby asked his mom why she was saying that when she had been telling me for years she loved me.  Her answer was "I don't know her well enough to know I hate her"  REALLY???  If I interact with you for 5 minutes I know wheter or not I like you or not.

When father in law passed, she became unglued.  She constantly is talking to exwife and trying to convince exwife to try to get custody (she did but failed miserably at it).  She bad mouths me every chance she gets, and whenever she speaks to hubby she flips out on him and completely devistates him.  Guilt trips the children because (gasp) they don't come see her (700 miles away) and makes them feel bad about it.

There is alot more to the story, but I won't get into it.  Well she got a facebook today.  She "friended" me.  I asked her why and she stated forgive and forget.  Ok... then she started bashing me about how I emailed her (posted online for all to see) about how I felt she behaved and how I don't want her to be my family and that's fine with her.  Ok... What?  It gets worse.  It's like she "friended" me so she could gripe at me!  The last time I spoke with her, was a year ago on my daughter's 13th birthday.  It was because she put her in tears because at 13 she wasn't driving 3 states away to come visit.  I ended up talking to her to tell her to grow up and not hurt a little girl about a problem she had with the parents. 

Is there ANY way to rationalize with this woman?

by on Aug. 13, 2012 at 1:17 AM
Replies (31-36):
by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 1:49 AM
Conscience-sorry it's late(last post spelled wrong)
by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 2:27 AM

The only way to deal with a person like this is to have as little contact as possible, and handle yourself with integrity.  We always try to make rational sense out of what crazy people do, but in the end you can't because they're CRAZY!!  I do not suggest you maintain any contact online with her through FB or otherwise.  And you will have to set major boundaries for your own protection.

As far as what she does, well, you can't change that.  You only have control over yourself.  But usually it doesn't take others long to figure these people out, and my guess is his ex has already figured it out.  Maybe part of her wants to hate you, so it's easier to go with it.  But deep down, she knows because she's been the victim of it too.  And kids are super smart.  They usually get it before anyone else does!

by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 7:39 AM
Sounds like my mil. Ours started because she couldn't pick our colors for our wedding. Then she blocked me from fb and told everyone that I deleted her. Now dh and I have a son together. I have two boys from a previous marriage and when she asks for family pictures my oldest two and I are never in it. We see a counselor and she told us that she doesn't like to take blame for her actions but has to blame everyone else for them. We just had ds baptism and mil and her side never showed up. we also found out that sil entered our ds in a photo contest without our permission to try to win money off of him. I was very angry about this. His side of the family think we get paid by dh dad's aunt. Which we don't. Aunt sent a card with money in it for ds birth. The mil and sil are very psychotic and delusional. I have so much more that I could turn out into a book and it could become a lifetime movie.
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by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 7:56 AM

I would get an agreement from your DH, your kids and ideally even the exwife: Any and every time she starts to speak about anyone else in less than glowing terms, everyone's immediate and firm response will be: I don't want to speak ill of others. Let's talk about something else. How about that weather we've been having lately?"  And then if she continues, then repeat "I don't want to speak ill of others." and add "Unfortunately I have to go now, but we'll talk again soon". and say goodbye.

And an agreement that if one feels obligated to friend her on facebook, absolutely no response to anything negative about anyone, including oneself. I personally think it would be easier to stick to that, and to not get mad at her frequenty, if you don't friend her. If you don't see the garbage she writes, you don't have to discipline yourself to take the high road and ignore it.

by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 9:31 AM

No way to rationalize with her. She is toxic. I would avoid her at all costs, your husband can deal with her. I wouldn't let my kids have any interaction with her either if that is the way she is going to treat them.

by on Aug. 15, 2012 at 4:25 PM

your doing everything that you can possibly do, with your kids being teens they already know what your mil is like so you shouldn't really stress about anything.  She is only hurting herself and will be very lonely at the end.

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