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How much privacy in dd room?

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 Ok,my daughter is 16 and I respect her privacy, yet when I stumble upon things likewine cooler bottles and "missing" items in her room, I feel I need to address that immediatly. Especially because she is already in counseling for depression and cutting. My counselor says that would break our trust because she would think I was snooping!!

I think I need a new counselor! I asked my dd if she had been drinking with her friends,or smoking pot and she of course said no.

Do you think I direspected her privacy. Oh and by the way I was only putting her clean clothes in her room,she didn't hide them too well,so I didn't dig through her stuff. Please tell me what you think.

Thanks Berta

by on Sep. 17, 2012 at 3:54 PM
Replies (21-29):
by on Sep. 21, 2012 at 6:33 PM

I think you have the right to go in her room, but not it's not respectful to dig about. So - the means by which you discovered the wine cooler and missing items was a legitimate means of discovery, I'd feel completely comfortable saying to my kid 'honey, I was in your room to drop off clothes and I saw some things that I've been missing and I don't remember you asking to borrow them. Do we have a rule about asking first? Well, ok, you knew the rule, so I'm wondering why you didn't ask.  Did you forget? Or I wasn't around at the time? Or you didn't want to be told no? (and then calmly address what she says).

 And then 'and honey, I also saw the wine cooler bottle. This is really upsetting to me to see, because it's not a healthy way to deal with stress. If you keep going to alcohol to deal with stress it will become a habit that will be really hard to break, like cutting is a hard habit to break and an unhealthy way of dealing with stress, or like people who use food to deal with stress. Are there things you could substitute instead - like pop or juice in a pretty glass, or take a walk, or take a bath or call a friend, or at least run through 3 of these other ways to deal with stress on a list you make, before you let yourself give in to an unhealthy method?" 

Because of her cutting, it's clear she's really in a dangerous emotional state, I'd handle the infraction of taking things without asking really calmly, like you're in her corner, let's be nice to each other and ask for stuff first. I'd handle the drinking also like you're in her corner, but with a real note of concern.

She's emotionally got to be a bit of a mess, deep down, and probably needs some safe place to work through her neuroses. Some amount of privacy is a stress reliever. That may be where her counselor is coming from.

So - I'd be calmly, unapologetically upfront about the fact that you do go in her room for legit reasons, and when you see stuff, you'll say what you're thinking, because you are in her corner.

There are some replies that are encouraging you to come down hard, with anger and power. Your post doesn't sound like you'd make that mistake, the exact opposite of your fragile sweetie needs. Stress is causing her to do these things in an effort to cope. She's not like some out of control wild rebellious kid who is in a power match with you. Anger is not the answer with your kid. Concern, love, partnering to help her become stronger emotionally.

by Member on Sep. 21, 2012 at 9:47 PM

Are you kidding???????? It is your job to raise your daughter and finding wine cooler bottles IMO means more reason for her to have zero privacy! Dump the poor counselor!

by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 8:03 AM
I absolutely snoop in my daughters room! I have 2 teens, 1 has given me reason to think things were going on so I searched and found her journal to discover she'd been skipping out on grade recovery to go to a 19 year old boy's house. This is my house. I have the right to look anywhere at any time. You did the right thing, and I'd just keep checking!
by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 11:32 PM

 Wow!! Thank you so much. You hit just about every area that I was concerned about how I was dealing with these issues. It is quite the struggle, and just like any parent of a teen in trouble, there are times I feel like freaking out and letting her know exactly how I feel. Yet, I need to show her also that there are ways to deal with frustrations in life and hopefully show her that my unconditional love is real, but it still comes with a dose of reality.

Thanks again!! Bertabow down 

by on Sep. 22, 2012 at 11:40 PM

group hug Again thanks to you all! I am so glad I found this group,and look forward to being here as much as possible. My dd is hanging in there,yet my trust is still not there. She really pushes that with me ,that it should be ok since she aid sorry.Anyway.. So far no cutting or evidence of drinking...Yet tonight is her test..Let you know.Thanks again Berta

by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:16 PM

Break HER trust???  What about your trust that your daughter has broken over and over again.  I agree, get a new counselor and take off her door.  Privacy is a privlidge and NOT a right untill she is paying her own bills in her own house

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 12:54 PM

New counselor. And perfectly understandable. My kids have privacy unless I walk into their room/s for something, which is precisely what you did. If you see the stuff out in the open, really??? That's not invasion of privacy, and it IS your home.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 1:49 PM

Counselor and NO privacy especially if she is sneaking alcohol.  It would be a thing where she has to earn it back.  I would also be sitting in at some of the counseling sessions to work on the problems.

I don't worry yet about the alcohol as dd respects those rules that we lay down.  We have been seeing a counselor since May and YES I go in and sit.  It helps me to understand better why she was cutting herself and why she hit depression.  It is amazing what we can keep bottled up inside.  

by Bronze Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 2:17 PM

If you are already aware of the cutting and depression then you already have a reason to look through her room (for her protection).  Yes, get a new counselor!!  You already say you weren't snooping, sounds like the counselor has you feeling guilty? Wow, I hope your dd gets help, I feel bad for her & you!  Stay being her Mom like it sounds like you are taking care of her!

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