Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

How to help myself on this one

Posted by   + Show Post

OK, 16 year old son WAS doing good in school.  He's now failing one class with a D in another.  The HONOR STUDENT.  ALL HONOR COURSES.  Why is he Failing Math?  Because he forgets to add the negative sign or some other simple little item.  Not beacuse he doesn't understand it.  And the D?  Well when you're only given 1 assignment a week and you screwed up on one, well what do you expect?  Now he's at his sister's throat constantly trying to piss her off.

14 year old daughter has been grounded FOREVER.  I ended up putting a parenting app on her cell and gave it back.  She found away around it, turned it off and was bragging to her friends.  I took it and put it on the counter with a note saying why I took it.  What did she do?  She picked it up before she went to school.  She is constantly nasty, horrible to both me and her brother, and is just mean and hateful to everyone.  Honor student, dropped to Cs, why? "I don't know"

12 year old daughter, Brought grades up from last year, acing everything, social butterfly, friendly, helpful and caring. 

Me, at my wits end.  I am so tired of the fighting, arguing and bickering going on.  I have decided that they aren't allowed to do it in the house.  I informed them of it.  They did it anyways and I locked them outside (one in pjs) to work it out.  Let them in an hour later. They fight before school, after school, after supper,  before bed, ALL the time.  About stupid crap.  He had the sponge I wanted.  I wanted to wipe off the counters and not her, etc.  Geez! 

What can I do to just settle myself down?  I am getting so down that I can't sleep.  I just want my family back to normal.

by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 12:13 AM
Replies (11-20):
FindersKeepers
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 3:17 PM

My 16 yo has always done the minimum at school.   He has a very minor learning disability and has used that as an excuse to be LAZY.    Driving has made this much more manageable.   Every 2 weeks we check his grades.   If they are B average he can drive the next two weeks, if they are not B average he cannot.   We have explained to him that grades are extremely important for his future but he doesn't get it because the last thing the human brain develops is the ability to comprehend and predict long term consequences.  (yes we told him all that).   We know he likes driving so tying grades to driving seems to be working. 

Right now my 12yo SS has her phone shut down to emergency contacts only (parental controls on Verizon).... she has been very disrespectful to her mom so we implement the moms punishment to show consistency.   I sware she will start her period any minute and is MOODY.   I make sure to keep my emotions in check to not give her anything to feed off.   If she was not happy with the phone being blocked then take it away.   As far as grounded 'forever'.   My DH used to say things like that.   I think it is best to give a specific time limit on grounding whether it be a time period (2 wks) or a specific action (apology for taking the phone), that way the child knows what they can do to get off.  If you are angry and know you are going to yell out an unenforceable punishment then just send them to their room until you can think of the appropriate creative punishment that fits that crime.

Fighting.... my kids would not stop fighting when they were supposed to be doing something together.    I told them if they could not work as a team then they can alternate and do everything by themselves.   For a few months one would have to clean the whole kitchen alone after dinner (dishes, counters, stove, floors, trash...whatever was needed).    FINALLY  they started working together again without fighting (or at least fighting quietly..lol).   All we have to do is threaten to make them do it alone and they will shape right up.

You sound like you need a break... if the little one has been good then definately take her out for a special time.   The other 2 are 'in trouble anyway'.   On Saturday go to lunch and take her to see one of the cute movies out right now.   Or to get your nails done... .. Good behavior should be rewarded and it would be good for you to get out and recharge.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 3, 2012 at 5:37 PM
I didn't ground"forever", it seems like she's been grounded forever. All she has to do is get grades and behavior right.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

My 16 yo has always done the minimum at school.   He has a very minor learning disability and has used that as an excuse to be LAZY.    Driving has made this much more manageable.   Every 2 weeks we check his grades.   If they are B average he can drive the next two weeks, if they are not B average he cannot.   We have explained to him that grades are extremely important for his future but he doesn't get it because the last thing the human brain develops is the ability to comprehend and predict long term consequences.  (yes we told him all that).   We know he likes driving so tying grades to driving seems to be working. 


Right now my 12yo SS has her phone shut down to emergency contacts only (parental controls on Verizon).... she has been very disrespectful to her mom so we implement the moms punishment to show consistency.   I sware she will start her period any minute and is MOODY.   I make sure to keep my emotions in check to not give her anything to feed off.   If she was not happy with the phone being blocked then take it away.   As far as grounded 'forever'.   My DH used to say things like that.   I think it is best to give a specific time limit on grounding whether it be a time period (2 wks) or a specific action (apology for taking the phone), that way the child knows what they can do to get off.  If you are angry and know you are going to yell out an unenforceable punishment then just send them to their room until you can think of the appropriate creative punishment that fits that crime.


Fighting.... my kids would not stop fighting when they were supposed to be doing something together.    I told them if they could not work as a team then they can alternate and do everything by themselves.   For a few months one would have to clean the whole kitchen alone after dinner (dishes, counters, stove, floors, trash...whatever was needed).    FINALLY  they started working together again without fighting (or at least fighting quietly..lol).   All we have to do is threaten to make them do it alone and they will shape right up.


You sound like you need a break... if the little one has been good then definately take her out for a special time.   The other 2 are 'in trouble anyway'.   On Saturday go to lunch and take her to see one of the cute movies out right now.   Or to get your nails done... .. Good behavior should be rewarded and it would be good for you to get out and recharge.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
FindersKeepers
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 6:00 PM

I wasn't judging... I hope you got something else useful out of my response. 

I have heard other people (including my own DH) punish their kids in anger saying things like that so I was just mentioning it. 

Quoting fantasticfour:

I didn't ground"forever", it seems like she's been grounded forever. All she has to do is get grades and behavior right.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

My 16 yo has always done the minimum at school.   He has a very minor learning disability and has used that as an excuse to be LAZY.    Driving has made this much more manageable.   Every 2 weeks we check his grades.   If they are B average he can drive the next two weeks, if they are not B average he cannot.   We have explained to him that grades are extremely important for his future but he doesn't get it because the last thing the human brain develops is the ability to comprehend and predict long term consequences.  (yes we told him all that).   We know he likes driving so tying grades to driving seems to be working. 


Right now my 12yo SS has her phone shut down to emergency contacts only (parental controls on Verizon).... she has been very disrespectful to her mom so we implement the moms punishment to show consistency.   I sware she will start her period any minute and is MOODY.   I make sure to keep my emotions in check to not give her anything to feed off.   If she was not happy with the phone being blocked then take it away.   As far as grounded 'forever'.   My DH used to say things like that.   I think it is best to give a specific time limit on grounding whether it be a time period (2 wks) or a specific action (apology for taking the phone), that way the child knows what they can do to get off.  If you are angry and know you are going to yell out an unenforceable punishment then just send them to their room until you can think of the appropriate creative punishment that fits that crime.


Fighting.... my kids would not stop fighting when they were supposed to be doing something together.    I told them if they could not work as a team then they can alternate and do everything by themselves.   For a few months one would have to clean the whole kitchen alone after dinner (dishes, counters, stove, floors, trash...whatever was needed).    FINALLY  they started working together again without fighting (or at least fighting quietly..lol).   All we have to do is threaten to make them do it alone and they will shape right up.


You sound like you need a break... if the little one has been good then definately take her out for a special time.   The other 2 are 'in trouble anyway'.   On Saturday go to lunch and take her to see one of the cute movies out right now.   Or to get your nails done... .. Good behavior should be rewarded and it would be good for you to get out and recharge.


boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Oct. 3, 2012 at 6:23 PM

You need to focus on YOU.   You've tried to help, guide, supervise, lecture and punish....it isn't working.   Let them work it out and suffer the consequences of their actions.   Ignore the bitching and whining....do not feed into it by replying or explaining your actions.     The 14 yr old took her phone?  Let her come home to a mattress on the floor and no bedroom door. 

You deserve a break.....take your youngest, the "good one" lol, and do something fun!    Let the older teens mope in their own misery.     When you return home.....open a bottle of wine.    Sometimes, wine-ing lessens the intensity of whining.




fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 3, 2012 at 10:35 PM

I'm sorry I did get something else out of it, I just wanted to clarify and I was on my cell phone at the time.  :)

Quoting FindersKeepers:

I wasn't judging... I hope you got something else useful out of my response. 

I have heard other people (including my own DH) punish their kids in anger saying things like that so I was just mentioning it. 

Quoting fantasticfour:

I didn't ground"forever", it seems like she's been grounded forever. All she has to do is get grades and behavior right.

Quoting FindersKeepers:

My 16 yo has always done the minimum at school.   He has a very minor learning disability and has used that as an excuse to be LAZY.    Driving has made this much more manageable.   Every 2 weeks we check his grades.   If they are B average he can drive the next two weeks, if they are not B average he cannot.   We have explained to him that grades are extremely important for his future but he doesn't get it because the last thing the human brain develops is the ability to comprehend and predict long term consequences.  (yes we told him all that).   We know he likes driving so tying grades to driving seems to be working. 


Right now my 12yo SS has her phone shut down to emergency contacts only (parental controls on Verizon).... she has been very disrespectful to her mom so we implement the moms punishment to show consistency.   I sware she will start her period any minute and is MOODY.   I make sure to keep my emotions in check to not give her anything to feed off.   If she was not happy with the phone being blocked then take it away.   As far as grounded 'forever'.   My DH used to say things like that.   I think it is best to give a specific time limit on grounding whether it be a time period (2 wks) or a specific action (apology for taking the phone), that way the child knows what they can do to get off.  If you are angry and know you are going to yell out an unenforceable punishment then just send them to their room until you can think of the appropriate creative punishment that fits that crime.


Fighting.... my kids would not stop fighting when they were supposed to be doing something together.    I told them if they could not work as a team then they can alternate and do everything by themselves.   For a few months one would have to clean the whole kitchen alone after dinner (dishes, counters, stove, floors, trash...whatever was needed).    FINALLY  they started working together again without fighting (or at least fighting quietly..lol).   All we have to do is threaten to make them do it alone and they will shape right up.


You sound like you need a break... if the little one has been good then definately take her out for a special time.   The other 2 are 'in trouble anyway'.   On Saturday go to lunch and take her to see one of the cute movies out right now.   Or to get your nails done... .. Good behavior should be rewarded and it would be good for you to get out and recharge.



fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 3, 2012 at 10:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I think I will take the baby out tomorrow for some mommy and me time.  The older daughter and younger one share a room, which makes it difficult to remove things because she'll just use up her sisters stuff.  As for the boy, oh boy.  He decided not to come home after school (Extremely out of character) because he wanted to try out for a play I told him no to.  He has no door.  He has a desk with his school books and a bible (no chair), a dresser and a bed.  THAT'S IT.  You don't get to scare and disrespect me like that and keep all your goodies.

Quoting boys2men2soon:

You need to focus on YOU.   You've tried to help, guide, supervise, lecture and punish....it isn't working.   Let them work it out and suffer the consequences of their actions.   Ignore the bitching and whining....do not feed into it by replying or explaining your actions.     The 14 yr old took her phone?  Let her come home to a mattress on the floor and no bedroom door. 

You deserve a break.....take your youngest, the "good one" lol, and do something fun!    Let the older teens mope in their own misery.     When you return home.....open a bottle of wine.    Sometimes, wine-ing lessens the intensity of whining.


BrennaLyons
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 7:20 AM

This is one that I really can say is par for the course, but mine at least calm it down when I warn them about it. Well, not the grades dropping. My kids never did that...but the fricken bickering. OMG! Teens and preteens can bicker about EVERYTHING. It seems endless some days.

I agree with being consistent with the 14 year old. Whatever rules and punishments you set, they are absolute, and decide what your punishment is for her breaking punishment. I suggest that you remove all electronics in punishment for the latest one...no TV, computer (save for homework she needs it for), video games, etc. All gone for a mimimum of a week. Don't even leave the phone or laptop or whatever where she can get it. Seriously. Run the battery down and hide the phone and charger in different places....one in the trunk of the car. There is no picking it up on the way out the door.

kerri1226
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 10:06 AM

spray the water hose on them that should cool them off with there fighting

pandabear61
by Member on Oct. 4, 2012 at 10:44 AM

When my 14 yr old looses phone, computer, video games.  They come with me at all times.  I look silly going into the bathroom with all these items but he doesn't sneak them when I am occupied. 

MrsBLB
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 2:28 PM

Yoga?  Breathe...  ((hugs))

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN