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Advice Needed: My daughter is not being honest with her therapist about...

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My daughter is not being honest with her therapist about what's going on with her. She doesn't talk with me or her dad either. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?

by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 1:17 PM
Replies (11-20):
drfink
by Emily on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:31 PM

I was going to suggest a joint session but reading the whole thread I still think that is what yall need but for a different reason.

You do understand that homosexuality in no longer considered to be a psychiatric illness.No accredited respected therapist will say otherwise.It has been removed from the DSM.Homosexuality is not a value any more than Heterosexuality is a value.What you do and how you present sexuality is perhaps a value...a few partners vs. 550 partners .

Support is what your daughter needs or you may wind up with a tragedy or alienation in your life.

drfink
by Emily on Oct. 5, 2012 at 2:33 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting BrennaLyons:

No offense, but let me see if I have this right. You are sending your daughter to therapy, because she has friends who are gay? Or perhaps because she's lesbian or bi herself? Sorry, but therapy will not change that, and what the therapists are telling her is perfectly in line with what they can realistically say to her. Even many of the ex-gay ministries have backed away from the idea of converting gay and lesbian people to straight in the last few years. Any responsible therapist won't try to change sexual preferences, and if they perceive her friends are a support network she would feel lost without, they are unlikely to take that away either, because that leads to teen suicide. They'll try and get her to deal with you and talk to you.

Much as you might not want to hear this, you're setting yourself up to lose your daughter. If you don't accept what she is or who her friends are, and she's already lying to you to avoid the confrontations, there is a breaking point. The fact that she's lying to you and continuing to see her friends means that you will almost definitely be on the losing side of this battle. The fact that her therapist feels the need to remind her she has to put up with your values for a couple of years means she's already decided that she won't be following them when she legally has a choice in how to live her life.

Your values will not necessarily be her values. I'm not arguing whether yours are better or worse than hers are. I'm talking human nature here. She is 16. She is making decisions which will lead her into adulthood. You cannot CONTROL those choices entirely. Not at this age. You can keep bringing the hammer down, and she's going to keep fighting it.

Know what comes of that? Not talking to your parent for 26 years of your life after being legally allowed to run away from home at 18. That is my life, at this moment. It's an apt description of it. Just for your information...I don't regret not speaking to my BM for that long. I don't know if she regrets the fact that all her kids hate her or not. My brother makes occasional inroads toward trying to deal with her, but it never lasts long, because no matter how she feels about it, she still hasn't learned a lesson about where it gets her.

Knowing this information, I really feel family therapy is a good thing. It may be the only way you learn to communicate effectively with your child.

Quoting susankl:

I've had sessions with her one on one for myself. Me and my husband have had sessions with her about Katelyn.  Katelyn tells people what they want to hear.  Evidently  her counselor and her Psychiatrist are telling her that we have "traditional" values that she just has to put up with for 2 more then she can make her own decisions.  Our "traditional" values are that we don't believe that being gay is right and we don't want her involved with people who are.  That happens to be her entire group of friends that she hangs out with.  



great advice

Barabell
by Barbara on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:26 PM

Are you concerned that she is gay? Is that why she is in counseling? Or is there more to this?

Quoting susankl:

I've had sessions with her one on one for myself. Me and my husband have had sessions with her about Katelyn.  Katelyn tells people what they want to hear.  Evidently  her counselor and her Psychiatrist are telling her that we have "traditional" values that she just has to put up with for 2 more then she can make her own decisions.  Our "traditional" values are that we don't believe that being gay is right and we don't want her involved with people who are.  That happens to be her entire group of friends that she hangs out with.  



MrsBLB
by Missi on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:36 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree

Quoting BrennaLyons:

No offense, but let me see if I have this right. You are sending your daughter to therapy, because she has friends who are gay? Or perhaps because she's lesbian or bi herself? Sorry, but therapy will not change that, and what the therapists are telling her is perfectly in line with what they can realistically say to her. Even many of the ex-gay ministries have backed away from the idea of converting gay and lesbian people to straight in the last few years. Any responsible therapist won't try to change sexual preferences, and if they perceive her friends are a support network she would feel lost without, they are unlikely to take that away either, because that leads to teen suicide. They'll try and get her to deal with you and talk to you.

Much as you might not want to hear this, you're setting yourself up to lose your daughter. If you don't accept what she is or who her friends are, and she's already lying to you to avoid the confrontations, there is a breaking point. The fact that she's lying to you and continuing to see her friends means that you will almost definitely be on the losing side of this battle. The fact that her therapist feels the need to remind her she has to put up with your values for a couple of years means she's already decided that she won't be following them when she legally has a choice in how to live her life.

Your values will not necessarily be her values. I'm not arguing whether yours are better or worse than hers are. I'm talking human nature here. She is 16. She is making decisions which will lead her into adulthood. You cannot CONTROL those choices entirely. Not at this age. You can keep bringing the hammer down, and she's going to keep fighting it.

Know what comes of that? Not talking to your parent for 26 years of your life after being legally allowed to run away from home at 18. That is my life, at this moment. It's an apt description of it. Just for your information...I don't regret not speaking to my BM for that long. I don't know if she regrets the fact that all her kids hate her or not. My brother makes occasional inroads toward trying to deal with her, but it never lasts long, because no matter how she feels about it, she still hasn't learned a lesson about where it gets her.

Knowing this information, I really feel family therapy is a good thing. It may be the only way you learn to communicate effectively with your child.

Quoting susankl:

I've had sessions with her one on one for myself. Me and my husband have had sessions with her about Katelyn.  Katelyn tells people what they want to hear.  Evidently  her counselor and her Psychiatrist are telling her that we have "traditional" values that she just has to put up with for 2 more then she can make her own decisions.  Our "traditional" values are that we don't believe that being gay is right and we don't want her involved with people who are.  That happens to be her entire group of friends that she hangs out with.  




MrsBLB
by Missi on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:36 PM

I was wondering the same things.

Quoting Barabell:

Are you concerned that she is gay? Is that why she is in counseling? Or is there more to this?

Quoting susankl:

I've had sessions with her one on one for myself. Me and my husband have had sessions with her about Katelyn.  Katelyn tells people what they want to hear.  Evidently  her counselor and her Psychiatrist are telling her that we have "traditional" values that she just has to put up with for 2 more then she can make her own decisions.  Our "traditional" values are that we don't believe that being gay is right and we don't want her involved with people who are.  That happens to be her entire group of friends that she hangs out with.  




sahlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:56 PM

your poor daughter.

knowing only what you have said... I have to agree with the counselor: 2 years, suck it up and deal.  Then get out into the real world and avoid the bigots.

sahlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 5, 2012 at 4:57 PM
1 mom liked this

well said... and very polite.

Quoting BrennaLyons:

No offense, but let me see if I have this right. You are sending your daughter to therapy, because she has friends who are gay? Or perhaps because she's lesbian or bi herself? Sorry, but therapy will not change that, and what the therapists are telling her is perfectly in line with what they can realistically say to her. Even many of the ex-gay ministries have backed away from the idea of converting gay and lesbian people to straight in the last few years. Any responsible therapist won't try to change sexual preferences, and if they perceive her friends are a support network she would feel lost without, they are unlikely to take that away either, because that leads to teen suicide. They'll try and get her to deal with you and talk to you.

Much as you might not want to hear this, you're setting yourself up to lose your daughter. If you don't accept what she is or who her friends are, and she's already lying to you to avoid the confrontations, there is a breaking point. The fact that she's lying to you and continuing to see her friends means that you will almost definitely be on the losing side of this battle. The fact that her therapist feels the need to remind her she has to put up with your values for a couple of years means she's already decided that she won't be following them when she legally has a choice in how to live her life.

Your values will not necessarily be her values. I'm not arguing whether yours are better or worse than hers are. I'm talking human nature here. She is 16. She is making decisions which will lead her into adulthood. You cannot CONTROL those choices entirely. Not at this age. You can keep bringing the hammer down, and she's going to keep fighting it.

Know what comes of that? Not talking to your parent for 26 years of your life after being legally allowed to run away from home at 18. That is my life, at this moment. It's an apt description of it. Just for your information...I don't regret not speaking to my BM for that long. I don't know if she regrets the fact that all her kids hate her or not. My brother makes occasional inroads toward trying to deal with her, but it never lasts long, because no matter how she feels about it, she still hasn't learned a lesson about where it gets her.

Knowing this information, I really feel family therapy is a good thing. It may be the only way you learn to communicate effectively with your child. 



staceys4
by on Oct. 5, 2012 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow. So sad. She probably is gay, but can't tell you. You can't force her to not be gay. Even if she isn't her friends won't cause her to be gay. As long as her behavior isn't destructive in terms of drugs/drinking/school/etc. you need to spend time with her friends or she will just continue to lie to you. You are choosing to push your daughter away instead of accepting her. And she knows that her relationship w/ you is limited.  Think really hard if your stance against homosexuality is really more important that loving your daughter. Good luck.

kaitybird
by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 10:41 PM

I was NOT aware when your child was in counseling that you as a parent were entitled to know what the child says to the counselor!  Our daughter has been in counseling for over half a year now and we do not know what is said back and forth between them.  Yes, when we feel the need we will go in and talk with the counselor.  

I am really thankful that our dd is very honest with us during our sessions.  It has given us a whole new insight to who she really is.

I could never imagine doing to my child what you are.  Granted I am not against what anyone chooses to do with their lives, it is their life.  Why does it really matter that your daughters friends are gay or lesbian???  My daughter has PLENTY of friends who are and I could NEVER imagine saying to here that it is wrong that you hang around these people.  These people are not going to make your child gay.  Some of the best PEOPLE in the world are GAY & LESBIAN!  I know I have some wonderful friends who are.  I may not agree with they way they live but it is who they are and I am their friend NO matter what!  I firmly believe that NO ONE chooses to be gay.  

I hope that for your daughter's sake you can make some changes in your views otherwise you are going to lose her forever.  Just because it isn't something you believe in and you find it wrong that is your opinion.  You are suppose to love your child unconditionally without limits.  You are either going to have to find a way to see past your traditional values or I would say you are going to have to let go of your daughter.  

Good luck to you and your family.  


Jessiejack
by Silver Member on Oct. 7, 2012 at 8:41 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you need councling and you need to learn to deal with your child not the other way around. Sounds to me like she is talking to the councler but you don't like what they are saying.
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