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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Remove him or let him fail?

Posted by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:51 PM
  • 40 Replies

Halfway through the first 9 weeks my son had 1 F and 2 low Ds on his interims.  He is in honors classes.  We took him out of honors classes last year and the fit he threw was disasterous.  He earned the right to get into honors classes again.  I say earned the right because they are very strict on what you have to do to get into them.

He's not failing because he doesn't understand the material.  He's failing because he's not doing the homework because he "doesn't want to."  He knows he needs these classes for the college he wants, he hates the slow pace of the "regular" classes and he knows he doesn't get his license unless he maintains a B average (which he is capable of doing).

HOWEVER he is likely to fail 1-3 classes this 9 weeks even if he straightens up.  Once report cards are issued they will not remove him from the honors classes.  We have 3 weeks left to make a decision.

Would you remove him or let him fail?  For those of you who insist that I sit on him to do his homework, well if he doesn't write it down then I don't know what it is!  He's 16, sophmore.

by on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Cindy18
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 3:58 PM
5 moms liked this
Because this ahppened last year and he threw a fit, I would let him fail. He needs to see the consquences of his actions without you bailing him out.
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drfink
by Emily on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:22 PM

Oh gosh ...actually both are consequences of his actions.Neither are happy feel good consequences for him.Remove and be unhappy in a slower class or failing in his classes.Is it possible to check with out him knowing which action will have the least negative impact on his college attempts ?If so I think I would choose that consequence and present it to him as consequences of action.What does he want to do ,has he talked with the college dean at his school.?Can you pull up the G.P. / S.A.T. or A.C.T. matrix on the colleges he wants to attend?They also should have the percentages of students entering by class rank and or G.P. on the college site.Print and post.Hmmm maybe just do the one that will shake him  the most out of his lethargy about his grades.

Bless your heart this is a tough one.Good luck




atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 6, 2012 at 4:43 PM
Let him fail
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Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 5:41 PM
Let him fail. At this age he needs to deal with the consequences of his choices.
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 6, 2012 at 5:50 PM

The least negative impact would be to remove him from the honors classes because at least THEN he can get into college.

Quoting drfink:

Oh gosh ...actually both are consequences of his actions.Neither are happy feel good consequences for him.Remove and be unhappy in a slower class or failing in his classes.Is it possible to check with out him knowing which action will have the least negative impact on his college attempts ?If so I think I would choose that consequence and present it to him as consequences of action.What does he want to do ,has he talked with the college dean at his school.?Can you pull up the G.P. / S.A.T. or A.C.T. matrix on the colleges he wants to attend?They also should have the percentages of students entering by class rank and or G.P. on the college site.Print and post.Hmmm maybe just do the one that will shake him  the most out of his lethargy about his grades.

Bless your heart this is a tough one.Good luck





lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 6:14 PM

I think I would let him fail.It will be hard to see but he needs to learn that in order to really get what he wants in life, he has to do the work for it.

sahlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 6:17 PM

If he is self motivated to go to college.... does he realize what these Fs will do?

Quoting fantasticfour:

The least negative impact would be to remove him from the honors classes because at least THEN he can get into college.

Quoting drfink:

Oh gosh ...actually both are consequences of his actions.Neither are happy feel good consequences for him.Remove and be unhappy in a slower class or failing in his classes.Is it possible to check with out him knowing which action will have the least negative impact on his college attempts ?If so I think I would choose that consequence and present it to him as consequences of action.What does he want to do ,has he talked with the college dean at his school.?Can you pull up the G.P. / S.A.T. or A.C.T. matrix on the colleges he wants to attend?They also should have the percentages of students entering by class rank and or G.P. on the college site.Print and post.Hmmm maybe just do the one that will shake him  the most out of his lethargy about his grades.

Bless your heart this is a tough one.Good luck






bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Oct. 6, 2012 at 6:34 PM
I agree, I'm sure you have let him know these Fs will make it a 100% guarantee he won't get into this particular college of his choice or ANY 4 Year for that matter does he know or is he able to process that? If so, I would think he would want to drop the classes ASAP and get his grades back up to college standards. If both of you choose to let him fail his only college option from that point forward will be junior college (not awful by any means) however I would be SURE he absolutely understands that

Quoting sahlady:

If he is self motivated to go to college.... does he realize what these Fs will do?

Quoting fantasticfour:

The least negative impact would be to remove him from the honors classes because at least THEN he can get into college.

Quoting drfink:

Oh gosh ...actually both are consequences of his actions.Neither are happy feel good consequences for him.Remove and be unhappy in a slower class or failing in his classes.Is it possible to check with out him knowing which action will have the least negative impact on his college attempts ?If so I think I would choose that consequence and present it to him as consequences of action.What does he want to do ,has he talked with the college dean at his school.?Can you pull up the G.P. / S.A.T. or A.C.T. matrix on the colleges he wants to attend?They also should have the percentages of students entering by class rank and or G.P. on the college site.Print and post.Hmmm maybe just do the one that will shake him  the most out of his lethargy about his grades.

Bless your heart this is a tough one.Good luck






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annie2244
by Silver Member on Oct. 6, 2012 at 6:57 PM
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I would only pull him out of a class if the work was too hard. He just doesn't want to DO the work. It's not logical to assume he'll do the work in a regular class. So - I'd keep him in his classes and say that once a week, on Friday you'll check his grades online. If he's got a B average, his phone can stay on, he can go out with friends, he can watch tv and use the laptop. If not, he's staying in for the weekend. (or some variation on this, less severe). The point is to make the weekend consequences bad enough that he really wants to avoid them, but not so harsh that he'll completely rebel/get depressed/the opposite of motivated.

Then - he decides to do his work or not, but life isn't that fun if he doesn't.

What does he do with his weekend evening time if he's not doing his homework? Do you allow friends after dinner, tv, electronics during the week? I'd take away that away pronto, not as punishment, just as good habits. Every evening from whenever dinner ends to whenever bedtime is - is study time. (or stare at your navel time, but it's for sure not play time)

He doesn't seem to have a motivation problem. He sounds like he wants to go to college and wants to get good grades. He just doesn't want to sit and do the work. Because sitting and doing the work is boring. (Ask me, I turned on my laptop to go log into my work computer to prepare for a meeting I've got next week, and instead I've spend 20 minutes on CM!).

An alternative to the above is to reward the process (studying)- not the outcome (grades). Tell him he earns one hour of phone on time, or one hour of time with friends, or one hour of television (pick your amusement) for every hour of non-interrupted (aka no looking at cell or youtube) studying Sunday eve thru Thursday eve. (2.5 hrs x 5 eves = 12.5 hrs of fun, but also equals 12.5 hours of studying, so better grades should follow).  Once he has the habit of forcing himself to focus every evening, you could wean him off this, and move back up to reward/punishment each weekend for the Friday check of standing grades.

You have 3 yrs to get him to get a handle on this. He can't succeed in college until he can force himself to  sit and doing the boring hour after hour task of studying. Pulling him out of classes he's capable of won't force him to get a handle on this. Reward the stuff you want to see more of - focused studying.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Oct. 6, 2012 at 7:43 PM
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I think at his age, it should be his decision.   If he "doesn't want to"  do homework, he will likely fail regular classes, too.   

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