Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

More of a vent than anything else...

Posted by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 10:03 AM
  • 4 Replies

So my 19 year old lived with his dad...he graduated from HS this past June (He was held back a year due to major medical problems which almost killed him when he was younger). He has never been what one would call "motivated"  but is a good kid.

So...when my Dad passed away in June, it was decided that he (DS) would return with us in an attempt to get his life started. The agreement was that for the first month or so, he could hang out, settle in, etc and then after that he would look for/find a job and begin contributing to the household in preparation for being out on his own. He was very excited at this prospect and agreed to the terms. The first month he was very helpful around the house (which was also part of the deal...everyone here helps around the house) but he kept talking about doing things around the house that we would pay him for (he had done odd jobs for neighbours when living with his dad but had not had a regular job since his one summer at McD's when he was 16). We told him we did not have the money to pay him for these things but we did have him do one job for which he was paid $100 (he was told this was the only one we could pay him for and we did not expect big projects from him...just helping me around the house). At this same time his old phone was going out and we told him we would get him a phone but he wanted an iPhone (which we can't afford) and he was all mad at his grandpa (whose plan he is on) because he (gpa) got himself an iPhone shortly after getting a new flip phone (DS said that the next upgrade was supposed to be his and he was mad because he didn't get the iPhone). He does NOT pay any portion of the phone bill and technically it was the gpa's upgrade, not DS's. Well, he spent a week calling his Dad and complaining about it and his dad ends up sending him $50. He immediately went out and blew all $150 on a smartphone (he is now on his Dad's plan). He didn't want the phone we offered him because it was not a smartphone. (He pretty much grew up getting everything he wanted and is not used to living with a family that has a budget...his dad is 39 and though he has been out, now lives with his parents again. At one point, in a 3 bd house was DS's gparents, dad, himself, his uncle (who is 41 and has never moved out) and his aunt who is 42.)

After the first month was up, we asked him to post 2 applications a day M-F. I had to bug him to do it daily. I signed him up on the VA employment commission, I looked through the jobs for him and told him to apply for them because he was spending all day playing Xbox. He will stay up until 2 AM and then sleep until noon. Just yesterday I had to go in and wake him up at 1 PM! He will offer to do the dishes if he is already downstairs eating dinner, but since the end of that first month will not come and ask if there is anything I need help with.

About a month ago he told us that he wanted to move back to his grandparents because this finding a job thing wasn't working out. He has pretty much now given up on everything. We find numerous jobs a day he could apply for but he says no, he's moving back. I don't see him until late morning or afternoon because when he wakes up he turns on the Xbox and holes up in his room until I call him to help me. He does the bare minimum when helping (some dishes are still dirty and left out, clean dishes are not always clean, he sweeps like an 8 yr old etc.) His father said he would pay for his way back since we paid to bring him out here...that was a month ago...there's always something coming up. I think his father is trying to drag it out so we will pay it but we don't have the money to pay it...not even to get paid back by DS's dad (which I know he would never pay us back anyway).

So now I have a 19 yr old lump of coal who spends most of the day and night attached to an Xbox or laptop. He is grumpy, lazy and short with his baby brother (DS#3). THEN last night, whatever DS was doing woke DH up. DH has chronic insomnia and hearing like a bat. DS knows this. DH got up, went into DS's room, pulled his plugs on DS#2's Xbox (DS borrows DS#2's Xbox every other day) and apparently broke DS's controller. So now DS is pissed because he says he wasn't being loud and that DH was "in a rage". He couldn't have been in too much of a rage because I didn't hear a thing but him closing DS's door on his way out. (DH is nearly 7 feet tall and has a voice like James Earl Jones...low and booming. Had he been "in a rage" I would have heard it). So NOW I've got DS complaining to DS#2 this morning about DH's "rage" and him all p*ssed about his controller. All I want is a peaceful house until DS goes back and then we can all get back to normal. DS#2 does not act like this, but DS#1 has that sense of entitlement that he should just get things easily that does not work well on this ship. I hate to say it but the sooner he goes home, the sooner we will all have peace. I love him, but I can't put up with it anymore.

Words of encouragement, advice is welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 10:03 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-4):
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this

What would you do if he didn't have his dad's to go back to? He is your son, and i understand wanting your peaceful home back, but by letting him just up and leave you are contributing to his 'lack of motivation'. 

Me, there'd be knew house rules. Starting the minute he woke up. He's 19, he can not be in the house between the hours of nine to five. During that time frame he can do whatever he wants...maybe hit the turf and hit up some jobs. If not then he can walk around like a vagabond....that's where his life is headed if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass, might as well be prepared for it.

You can't pay him for jobs? He eats your food right? Well he can't eat unless he does his chores. That is is payment. He can't shower without doing what is asked, that is his payment. Can't play xbox until what is asked of him, with no money he can't afford to pay for the electricity. I wouldn't boot him clean out of the house, but I would be contributing to him not trying to do more then he has. 

As for how he treats the little ones. Draw the line in the sand, do not give him an inch when he mistreats them.

by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 10:24 AM

He has already made up his mind that he is going back. He says he is an adult and that is his decision.

I can not make him stay and step up. As for chores, he does them...just grudgingly. He does them during the day so I wouldn't want to make him go somewhere all day. Guess I should mention that when he does a half-arsed job, I do make him do it again. After a while I would have thought he would get tired of doing it twice or even three times and do it right the first time but apparently not. He isn't mean to DS#3, just gets irritated when he fusses (he is 11 months and teething).

by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2012 at 11:37 AM
You are allowing his sense of entitlement as much as his dad when you don't follow through with him getting a job.

You write up a contract. He will do x~y~z chores during the day, including submitting 3 job applications. He will call back 3 companies he sbmitted apps to for followup every day. So if he submits apps on Monday, he calls them back 3~4 days later.

He has 3 weeks to find ANY job where he gets a paycheck and has to be there specific hours. If he doesn't have a job, even fast food, SOMETHING he is out on hs butt! He can join the military, or job corps or go live in a box. If he isn't contributing, he is out!

He also needs to be going to college or vocational school!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Oct. 8, 2012 at 2:31 PM

As I said, this was really mostly a vent. HE IS GOING BACK in a matter of a week or two, he will NOT be getting a job here so I see no point in making him put out apps.

As for chores. I said more than once, he DOES chores every day.

I am not allowing his sense of entitlement, I make him work.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)