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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

I'm new here and searching for advice, opinions, experiences on having a pregnant teen daughter.

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:03 AM
  • 19 Replies

I'm devastated. My 15 year old daughter and her 17 yr old boyfriend have informed me this week she is pregnant. She will be 16 in November. She is a sophmore in high school. I also have a 6 year old daughter. I am a single mother, 36 years old, work full time as an Executive Assistant. I have struggled to raise my girls in the best environment possible. I have prided myself on working hard and NOT living off welfare. 

I had many many conversations with my teen and prior to teen years about sex etc. She has been on the birth control pill, and was recently provided the birth control patch. She chose to to use it. The boyfriend she has been with off and on for a year and he assured me he was VERY responsible with condoms etc. Obviously this hasn't been the case. 

I am pro-choice. I do think termination would be the best outcome in this situation as I believe it would give my daughter a second chance at reaching her goals and becoming an adult before bringing a child into this world. My daughter is against abortion. Adoption was discussed but she doesn't see going through a pregnancy and giving the child "away" as a good option. Honestly, I'm not sure I could bare the pain either. 

SO it looks like she will be having this baby and keeping him/her. When I ask her what her best scenario in this situation is she says she wants to live with the boyfriend and his family (his family are Hispanics, mother doesn't speak english, two younger siblings in the home, parents work multiple jobs cleaning, construction, local coffee shop, they do have a nice home in a nice neighborhood). The boyfriend does have two jobs and is fincancially responisible as of now. No drugs or alcohol issues that I am aware of or suspect. My daughter says his family has a more stable life and can offer her and baby more support. 

I am completely confused and emotionally wrecked over this. I am now facing having to decide whether I make her stay with me and her 6 yr old sister for the next two years. I am not the type to raise this baby for her or make it easy for her. I want to help. I want to guide her through this but I don't want to make it my burden to bare. This is her decision and I want her to be responsible for it. I don't know how this will affect my little one. My dating life (who will want to be with me now having a pregnant teen!). How financially it will effect us. I don't make enough money to support another child. My daughter thinks that her and boyfriend will eventually get married when they are older. She doesn't envision being a single mother as I am. 

I would appreciate any input on this situation. I have seen a counselor myself. It was suggested I find a support group for myself and my daughter. But I am having a hard time finding one for myself. 

Part of me wants to finish raising my teen and put my foot down, even if it means my household and life with a baby will change. The other part of me wants her to own her "Adult" choice and let her go live with boyfriend. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:06 AM
Give your dd all her options. She needs to know she has to grow up and take responsibility. I would not raise a grandchild.
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momoffive07
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 12:34 PM

i couldn't imagine let go of my daughter at that age, you need to remember your daughter is still young and still needs her mom. Yes, I understand she will become a mom but she is still young. I think you need to stop thinking about your self and think about your children.

If the guy really loves your daughter and his child he will stay with her and help her while she lives with you. Life as you know it will be different and there will be a new child to take care of.

funhappymom
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 1:46 PM

What a tough situtation. Good for your daughter for wanting to take responsibility of this little one. Be there to support her and if she choses to move in with the boyfriend, support her on it. I would consult a lawyer just to see what if anything you should do legally since she will still be a minor.

Good luck mama. You sound like a great mom.


bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Oct. 12, 2012 at 1:56 PM

 (((HUGS))) yikes, tough situation. I'm not even sure what I would do, I agree with you, I would be all over the place with my emotions, sigh...I guess I would REALLY try and have my DD understand what the heck she is getting herself into the HUGE LIFETIME comittment a baby takes...but I know that's with a teen! shoot, my DD begged for a puppy and she's even whinning about THAT responsibility. Hopefully some of the other moms who have been through this can give you some helpful advice. hang in there.

annie2244
by Silver Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 2:29 PM
3 moms liked this

I would show her an itemized list that you prepare in advance that shows her the cost of a bare bones life with and without a baby, and the take home pay of a part time minimum wage worker, and a full time minimum wage worker. I'd also show her the take home pay of 3-4 careers that require a college degree, and the itemized additional fun things that could be added to her life if she had one of those jobs.

Then I'd show her the daily schedule of a student mom with a part time job.

Then I'd show her the daily schedule of a full time working mom who takes the bus to work and daycare b/c she can't afford a car/insurance/gas/maintenance.

I would keep her on my insurance regardless of where she lives. I'd look into whether I could add the baby to my insurance. I'd tell her I'd babysit once a week for up to 6 hours, when available.

On that list of daily life that you made, I'd highlight in yellow what she will be expected to do (all childcare, her and baby's laundry, all baby care, specified help with household chores) and what you will do (pay for food for her and baby until she is a hs grad, provide a housing if she is a ft student and passing her classes, and continue to pay for what you pay now of her clothing, shampoo, cell, etc) and what you won't do (provide housing to her boyfriend, pay for diapers, formula, baby clothing, baby health care copays and deductibles).  Total it up. Show the difference between what her expenses will be and her part time job, after paying for child care to go to that part time job.

Then I'd circle all the additional stuff that she will be responsible for if she is not a full time student (housing, food, cell, etc - basically everything).  Total it up. Show her the difference between what her expenses will be whenever she decides to leave home or whenever she decides not to be a full time student (which involves leaving home) and her full time minimum wage job.

If she says 'no problem, I'll live w boyfriend's family, I'd respond - if you are only able to make this scenario work if you are dependent on someone else you are living on very very thin ice. 50% of marriages end in divorce, and you may find you hate living amidst his family. This option is not your sure bet. It's fool's gold. Don't pin your future on it.

Then - she decides! You can't prevent her from choosing a ridiculous difficult and risky life. But I totally agree with how you are not facilitating her dependency. There should be no false shield from the consequences of the choice to have a baby before you can adequately support yourself and a baby. That creates a dependent adult, who often goes and has more children they can't afford.

You know how on a plane they always instruct you, in case the oxygen masks come out, first put one on yourself, then help your child put hers on? Analogous to the decision to have children - have you first put on your oxygen mask - become emotionally mature and responsible, put in the time to get the education you need to support yourself and someone else. Only then do you turn your attention to bringing dependents into your life. If she chooses to share an oxygen mask with an inadequate flow of air for one person, let alone two, she is choosing a life where she and her child will always be gasping, barely hanging on, never comfortable.

atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 12, 2012 at 2:34 PM
Awesome post


Quoting annie2244:

I would show her an itemized list that you prepare in advance that shows her the cost of a bare bones life with and without a baby, and the take home pay of a part time minimum wage worker, and a full time minimum wage worker. I'd also show her the take home pay of 3-4 careers that require a college degree, and the itemized additional fun things that could be added to her life if she had one of those jobs.


Then I'd show her the daily schedule of a student mom with a part time job.


Then I'd show her the daily schedule of a full time working mom who takes the bus to work and daycare b/c she can't afford a car/insurance/gas/maintenance.


I would keep her on my insurance regardless of where she lives. I'd look into whether I could add the baby to my insurance. I'd tell her I'd babysit once a week for up to 6 hours, when available.


On that list of daily life that you made, I'd highlight in yellow what she will be expected to do (all childcare, her and baby's laundry, all baby care, specified help with household chores) and what you will do (pay for food for her and baby until she is a hs grad, provide a housing if she is a ft student and passing her classes, and continue to pay for what you pay now of her clothing, shampoo, cell, etc) and what you won't do (provide housing to her boyfriend, pay for diapers, formula, baby clothing, baby health care copays and deductibles).  Total it up. Show the difference between what her expenses will be and her part time job, after paying for child care to go to that part time job.


Then I'd circle all the additional stuff that she will be responsible for if she is not a full time student (housing, food, cell, etc - basically everything).  Total it up. Show her the difference between what her expenses will be whenever she decides to leave home or whenever she decides not to be a full time student (which involves leaving home) and her full time minimum wage job.


Then - she decides! You can't prevent her from choosing a ridiculous difficult and risky life. But I totally agree with how you are not facilitating her dependency. There should be no false shield from the consequences of the choice to have a baby before you can adequately support yourself and a baby. That creates a dependent adult, who often goes and has more children they can't afford.


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fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:24 PM

No matter your decision on this, you are her mother and her legal guardian.  Is she planning on finishing hgh school?  Going to college?  Getting married?  I would say that she needs to just stay at home so you can make sure she is being a parent instead of a party girl.

drfink
by Emily on Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:46 PM


Quoting fantasticfour:

No matter your decision on this, you are her mother and her legal guardian.  Is she planning on finishing hgh school?  Going to college?  Getting married?  I would say that she needs to just stay at home so you can make sure she is being a parent instead of a party girl.

plus even though she is going to be connected to her bf for the rest of her life do you feel comfortable putting her in a position that makes her dependent on his family when she is 15?

He works and will soon be an adult he can be and should be compelled to pay C.S..I would let him and his family be a father and grandparents...they can also physically help out.Your daughter needs to finish school and I think you need to make sure that happens not leave that to his parents.

Good luck.

keylarg
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 3:06 PM
Thank you everyone. Im definitely making the salary vs costs list. Also the daily schedule list. Thanks for the idea.
She wants to finish school. She is not sure when how what where she will go to college. Im leaning towards making her stay with me until finishing school. Im just really angry how this will affect my home and relationship with my little one. Being a grandparent isnt suppose to involve me living with the grandchild! While i still raise my 6 yr old!
Keep the suggestions coming as i feel i cant have enough information and ideas. Thank you all!!
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dobrd
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

keylarg, I'm w/your DD on keeping the baby.. She's only 15 yrs. old but, her/bf seem to have a plan that works for them.. It could be alot worse where your DD could had found out she has terminal cancer, then you'd have to raise the baby.. By the way, it IS your grandchild.. I'd be grateful she/bf are working together on the arrival of the baby.. Good of his parents to take her in, including the baby.. Bless their heartd for this alone.. Do what you can for her/baby when she/he arrive.. Take Care, Donna....

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