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My daughter's defiant behavior seemed to have come on overnight

Posted by on Oct. 28, 2012 at 10:49 PM
  • 21 Replies


My soon to be 13 year old has developed a really nasty attitude of defiance, over night it seems.  Refuses to go anywhere she doesn't feel like going, talks back, slams doors, screams at me, etc.  Her father and I are divorced and she has free reign at his home, no rules, no chore, no bedtime, TV limits, etc.  She is also very ungrateful of all the driving, errands and upteenth things I do for her.  It's really difficult to be around her.  We had a good weekend and then out of nowhere she went ballistic on me, telling me not to talk to her, because I questioned something she told me about making the soccer team. She also tells white lies all the time and I told her that once she starts lieing about one thing, she will lie about anything or everything.  That was the last straw for me.  I let her know in a very irritable and agitaded voice that were it not for me running around for her at the last minute, she would not have been able to try out for the soccer team.  I had to run to the doctor last minute (other end of town) to  get the forms filled out because she claimed she had no interest in trying out, and I had to take her soccer things to school the day of tryouts (she called me at 7:45am from school) which was out of my way and not on my schedule, and it was the week she was with her father who lives on the other end of town from me.  I have never hit her, but I feel like slapping her when she yells at me.  I've had it!


by on Oct. 28, 2012 at 10:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Shea1967
by on Oct. 28, 2012 at 11:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Grrrrrt! I feel your pain. My daughter is 11 but trust me I get it. Besides wacky hormones which make her go nuts in 2 seconds flat I wonder if she is feeling hurt by your ex. His lack of rules doesn't make her feel like he cares. She however doesn't even know that is what is going on. She treats you bad to see if you will really love her after it. You might try talking to Ex about it. I do think it is ok she starts to lose freedoms at your house if her attitude continues. Tv, phone, computer, clothes, bedroom door to name a few.
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lazyd
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 12:00 AM
1 mom liked this

She is 13.  Her attitude has been building up over time.  My 13yo daughter is the same way!  I would suggest taking her door off & she has no phone or computer when shes at your house.  Ask your ex if she is the same way at his house.  Although he probably doesnt pay enough attention to her and he probably feels that its easiest to just give her what she wants.  Hopefully your ex will start being a father & discipline his daughter.   

Mandy575
by Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 12:05 AM
1 mom liked this
LOL yep sounds like our girls. Ours are 13,14. Ohhhh the hormones!!!! My 13yr old was great till she hit 13 and holy s***!!!!!! I thought she would be little better just because she saw all the trouble her sis got in to. Ohh no!!
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DarlaHood
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 1:38 AM
3 moms liked this

You can't tolerate that from her at 13 (or any age).  But 13 is young, and if she gets away with the disrespect, it will only get worse.

First of all, STOP running around and doing things for her if she treats you disrespectfully.  Regardless of what happens at Dad's house, you teach her how to treat you.  You can sit down with her and come up with some rules of the house, which should include speaking respectfully, not yelling or screaming, saying please and thank you (and using basic manners), and what your jobs are.

Her jobs are school, grades, sports, and household chores and behavior.  If she meets the standards set in those areas, including acting respectfully and following the house rules, then she should earn the privileges of your driving her where she needs/ wants to go, having extras like computer time, ipods, phones, special foods, time with her friends, etc...  If she doesn't do what is expected, she should learn very quickly by your consistent follow-through that she won't have any of those things.  Post the rules and expectations, and the privileges that are earned so there can be no question. 

And if she forgets homework, books, equipment, or anything else, don't automatically bring it to her.  That's not your responsibility.  It's a favor.  If you have time to do it, and you are willing to do it, that is o.k. only if she asks nicely and agrees to do an extra chore for you.  If you do it out of the goodness of your heart - it should ONLY be because she has been respectful and responsible for a long enough period of time that it is a rare occurence.

If you can get Dad to agree to the same standards, that would be optimal.  But if you can't, you have to do it anyway.  And you can't let her blackmail you. 

Sandsam
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 8:38 AM
3 moms liked this

I have a 14 yr old dd. She morphed from my lovable sweet little girl into the balastic teen at 13. I have the same issues you have. It's hard. I read a couple good teen books - such as the 'Get out of my life, but first can you take Cheryl and me to the mall'. It helped me understand (but not excuse) the behaviors. I would recommend this book and the second by the same author. My understanding is our balastic teens do turn back into lovable people around 16/17/18. I am just holding on for the ride.

vlynn.iowa
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 10:28 AM

I agree with the other moms.  Door slamming stopped really quick in my house when my dd lost her bedroom door for 24 hours.  She's 17 now and we are close.  

Is there a reason dad wasn't called when she "forgot" things when she is staying at his house?


Barabell
by Barbara on Oct. 29, 2012 at 10:38 AM

Very nicely put. I agree with everything you said. Quit catering to her at this age, especially if she is unappreciative of it. She is old enough to learn/to know how to take responsibility for her own actions and to deal with some of those consequences.

Quoting DarlaHood:

You can't tolerate that from her at 13 (or any age).  But 13 is young, and if she gets away with the disrespect, it will only get worse.

First of all, STOP running around and doing things for her if she treats you disrespectfully.  Regardless of what happens at Dad's house, you teach her how to treat you.  You can sit down with her and come up with some rules of the house, which should include speaking respectfully, not yelling or screaming, saying please and thank you (and using basic manners), and what your jobs are.

Her jobs are school, grades, sports, and household chores and behavior.  If she meets the standards set in those areas, including acting respectfully and following the house rules, then she should earn the privileges of your driving her where she needs/ wants to go, having extras like computer time, ipods, phones, special foods, time with her friends, etc...  If she doesn't do what is expected, she should learn very quickly by your consistent follow-through that she won't have any of those things.  Post the rules and expectations, and the privileges that are earned so there can be no question. 

And if she forgets homework, books, equipment, or anything else, don't automatically bring it to her.  That's not your responsibility.  It's a favor.  If you have time to do it, and you are willing to do it, that is o.k. only if she asks nicely and agrees to do an extra chore for you.  If you do it out of the goodness of your heart - it should ONLY be because she has been respectful and responsible for a long enough period of time that it is a rare occurence.

If you can get Dad to agree to the same standards, that would be optimal.  But if you can't, you have to do it anyway.  And you can't let her blackmail you. 


lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Oct. 29, 2012 at 11:02 AM

Stop doing for her and start coming down HARD on her ! If she yells you escort her to her room. the room is empty except for books and 1 outfit of your choosing per day along with bed and empty dresser. take all electronics those are objects people earn. . You let her know she is welcome to come out when she can talk  and act respectfully. take her door off to. if she lies she can not be trusted behind closed doors. No more rides, running around for her until she acts respectful and appreciatively.

sunflowers12
by on Oct. 29, 2012 at 11:28 AM

well, i wouldn't hit her either, at this age there's different ways in which to get your point across... i to have a 13 year old dd, and she is definitely heading to the more typical teen attitudes like your dd, however she is number five for me... i have six kids, and have gone through it all several times.. not sure if you have but get ready if you haven't your in for the ride of your life!! sorta speak..

for these last minutes things refuse her sounds like to much indulgence to me its never going to be enough!! that's why i say that... also she is doing these things to get your attention to see how far she can push you.. so you better learn how to push back a bit or she will stomp all over you.. i know this from experience...

i wouldn't tolerate her speaking to you in any disrespectful manner either..

so when she says something like " i am not going to try out for -----.. then you say fine, but if you change your mind at the last minute don't expect me to run around after you.. and leave it at that and if she does it anyway be true to what you have told her.. so at that point you have set the stage... now she knows if  i wait to long my mom really wont let me do -----... 

and this goes for the talking back start taking away her stuff, and if she slams that door you will take it off so she has no door!! pretty crazy sounding but it works.. she is just doing all this for attention and sometime negative attention is better then none or whatever they get in their minds..

then also remember hormones are playing a huge roll here the brain is under going a massive amount of growth at this age.. and sometimes knowing this helps better understand this age.. however it is up to you how she treats you just because she is under going changes doesn't make it ok to treat you badly...good

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Oct. 29, 2012 at 11:39 AM

I feel you, I really do.

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