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Teen behavior or is my daughter just cold?

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My daughter will be 16 in a few months. I remarried last year and understand she's had to adjust to divorce and remarriage. I worry, get angry, etc. over her behavior towards me, her step father and step grandmother. His mom is so happy we are in his life and she is good and kind to us. My daughter treats her like a stranger she doesn't want to deal with. This lady is 80 and sweetest of the sweet. She will try to talk to my daughter and just gets one word answers, etc. She took the two of us out to eat Italian because it is my daughters favorite.  DD said she wasn't really hungry, then she said her food wasn't good, etc. I'm so embarrassed and angry. I talked with her about and she said she doesn't like to do "family" stuff.

We are moving Monday, DH is working out of town and she hasn't helped me one bit. Lays in her bed eating and watching tv while I pack the rest of the house. I've suggested and asked for her help but she starts piddling in her room and next thing I know she's quit. I asked her if it doesn't bother her that I work a job, come home cook supper, do her laundry, take her places, and she just lays around texting and watching tv and she said "Well, that's just what you do, take a nap if you want too!"  She admits she's a different person with her friends and at school. I get glowing remarks from teachers, parents, and administrators.

It stresses me more to fight with her than to just do stuff myself. I can see from what I've typed, I've created a spoiled monster. She doesn't act like she loves or appreciates me, and she certainly doesn't care about her new family.  I know what most of you will say, I have been too soft for too long,  but is it too late to fix her selfishness? I kow a lot of teens are like this or worse but I want her to have empathy with others and be kind even when she doesn't care or want too.


by on Nov. 10, 2012 at 8:10 AM
Replies (11-20):
Bertieb
by Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 10:46 AM


Quoting Barabell:

Have you tried talking to her about the attitude? Is she unhappy about the move and that you remarried? 

Talk to her, and quit doing too much for her. 

We've talked about it many many times and she has been to therapy. She was ok with everything until it actually happened and it all settled in, then it really hit her. She feels I rushed into it too fast. We dated 18 months before marriage now married a year. It was fast by some standards maybe, but we love each other so much and are really happy. I understand how she feels and my DH really cares about her and wants to be close to her and caters to her. She knows our guilt for our divorces even though neither of us asked for them, our spouses did. 

Barabell
by Barbara on Nov. 11, 2012 at 10:48 AM


Quoting Bertieb:


Quoting Barabell:

Have you tried talking to her about the attitude? Is she unhappy about the move and that you remarried? 

Talk to her, and quit doing too much for her. 

We've talked about it many many times and she has been to therapy. She was ok with everything until it actually happened and it all settled in, then it really hit her. She feels I rushed into it too fast. We dated 18 months before marriage now married a year. It was fast by some standards maybe, but we love each other so much and are really happy. I understand how she feels and my DH really cares about her and wants to be close to her and caters to her. She knows our guilt for our divorces even though neither of us asked for them, our spouses did. 

Maybe with a move happening, it might be time to go back to therapy for awhile. Maybe the therapist could help provide some direction to you on how to handle her attitude.

MrsBLB
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 12:29 PM

This.  

Quoting Barabell:

Have you tried talking to her about the attitude? Is she unhappy about the move and that you remarried? 

Talk to her, and quit doing too much for her. 


PurpleHazey
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 8:03 PM


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

No it isn't too late. From now on the bank of mommy is closed. She needs to work around the house , show resp4ect before you do anything else for her. At 14 she can do her own laundry, prep meals,have a list of weekly chores. Shut off or take her phone, get her off the Internet until she can behave. I would also make her apologize for her rudeness to step grandma. Her behavior was rude and unacceptable.

I understand that moving and having new family is a big change. It sounds like she is trying to sabotage it. She needs to know it wont work. Does your new husband spend time with her ? has he told her how much he wants her to be happy and be part of her life ?

Oh yes "THIS"

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Nov. 11, 2012 at 9:23 PM

She is at a difficult age and has a lot of changes happening in her life.   It is okay to be understanding of that, but it in no way dissolves her lack of responsibility or accountability.

She owes her step Grandma an apology.   She was rude to an elderly lady who went out of her way to be kind to her.

I agree with a previous poster that she needs to help pack.   Toss some boxes in her room and tell her to pack it or it will be left behind.   Do the same with her bathroom.

The more you cater to her moods, the more entitled she will become.   I get that it is more stressful to confront the issue than to just do it all yourself, but you are not doing her (or yourself) any favors.  If you want to change the tides...you have to jump in the water.




annie2244
by Silver Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 9:43 PM

You don't want to go to war with her. You don't want to be rude or disrespectful in your behavior or words in retaliation for her rudeness. That just escalates the feelings of hostility in her. You don't want to one-up her in power moves. You want to be firmly in control without damaging the relationship further. You want to appeal to love, to being kind to each other, to being in this together. While still firmly being the parent.

You just want to have some fairly basic expectations met, that she agrees are fair. So - I'd list them, discuss them, tweak as needed through that conversation, and post them. And say 'I know you didn't ask for all these changes, but they are also not an excuse to not be a nice person. We love each other. We have a fairly nice life. Let's not live angrily or be rude to each other day to day. Let's agree on some basic rules and consequences and there doesn't have to be any resentment. Do your stuff, or don't do your stuff, you choose whether your life has privileges or not.

So - you have to pack an hour a day, or 3 large boxes worth, which ever comes first., and you have a list on the fridge each day of the next choices of stuff to get packed up. Once you get home from work, if her quota isn't met, then her phone and tv are turned off until it is. (you can make this be cumulative, as in if she didn't pack yesterday, then the next day she owes you 2 hours, etc., or you can make this a clean slate every day. I would avoid having any long term consequences for anything, so I like clean slate policies daily or weekly).

She has to join you for dinner and engage with you in conversation for 15 minutes (moderately pleasantly), or there's no phone/tv/internet/friends that evening.

She has to clean her room and one common room every Sat or she can't see friends after 12 noon, or have her phone/tv/internet on until it's done. (occasionally, my kids have gone all week w/o privileges cause they just really didn't want to clean their room, but by Friday, when they wanted to go out with friends, it did get done)

She has to make dinner on the night of her choosing once a wk. If she doesn't, there's no cell, tv, friends until she does a dinner the next night.

I would pack up the tv if there's any argument over having it off when it's been removed as a privilege. One can watch whatever one needs to watch on the computer using the internet, and the internet connection cord is very easily hidden or locked up, and the laptop log-on password is easily changed by the administrator (aka - you).

And her laundry is her responsibility. She does it or doesn't do it, it's her problem. I wouldn't micromanage it, since it doesn't affect you nor impact her future.

The nice thing about getting to a listed set of agreements and consequences is she buys in to them, if she doesn't do stuff, you just enact the consequences. No fuss. She decides when she wants to do what she's suppose to do in order to get her privileges, which aren't essentials, back.

For rudeness with my oldest who can be rude, I've handled since mid-summer in a really quickly effective way:  If you are rude, I will not do any favors for you for 24 hours for each episode of rudeness. So, no rides. No driving practice. No allowance handing out. When I first enacted this rule, she racked up 8 days of no favors before she realized she needed to keep the rudeness in check or she'd have a very very long wait for favors, which she realized are difficult to live without. She is much more rarely rude now.

crazy_house
by New Member on Nov. 11, 2012 at 10:39 PM

My son is 14 almost 15 and he acts the same way it takes an act of god to get him to do something. I agree with the other mothers gotta get control of it quit doing for her. Im currently doing this with my son and he has improved very little but is improving. Good luck

marney.p
by on Nov. 11, 2012 at 11:29 PM

I dont mind a teenager who is a disrespectful to me or my husband. I will work with that. But if you are disrespectful to a little old lady. My god would they come accross a whole new mother.

After the eating out incident. I would have flipped and I never flip. So teenagers actually take notice then. I would no longer be doing anything for little miss princess then. NO LIFTS, NO MONEY other than a travel card. And she can wash her own clothes or smell for all I care. And that lady deserves an apology.

good luck

msmom29
by on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:27 AM

How does she act when she is with her father, have you discussed if he is having any of these issues with her? She sounds angry, and this is how she is acting ou at you.It doesnt make what she is doing right, there are different ways to handle it, but when your 16 and hormonal this is what you get, but you dont have to take it, i agree that you need to make her help out, if she wont take away her phone, and her tv and or computer.She lives under your roof , and you and your husband support her, then she needs to help out and follow the rules. Just because you and her father arent together doesnt mean that you guys  dont love he, you  allowed are to move on with your lives, its hard on kids but its not right for her to punish you by acting like that. Good luck mama!

cat4458
by Bronze Member on Nov. 12, 2012 at 10:37 AM

Did this attitude just start or has it been this way with adults for a while? My 14 yo dd does this around her grandparents or if we go to see my aunt & uncle or sister or whoever... It doesn't matter who it's THAT THEY ARE AN ADULT. She isn't quiet around friends, just adult family). I take that into consideration her personality around adults even at school is kinda shy. I don't know if your 16 yo is the only child but mine is. She is the same way you express your girl is (fine with friends, but not with adults).This is what I do too. She doesn't say anything rude to them, it's just that she doesn't communicate, just one liners if she is asked. Altho, if she WANTS something she will talk/ask.  I think it's still disrespectful to not talk/carry on a conversation even if it is only ONE per visit THAT SHE STARTS. When I have said something to her before the visit, it doesn't make ANY difference at all infact in some respects it makes it worse. We have taken things away & it helps for the short term, but when there is a visit again she is the same way AGAIN. She does help around the house and has chores, so that differs from what you are talking about with your teen.  Has she always been this way (not to help around the house)? We do take tv, friend time, phone, etc away from her when there are times she isn't doing what she is to be doing, disrespectfulness, until we see improvement. Good luck as parenting isn't easy for sure.

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