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My name is Erin and I am ... the mother of a 13 year old.

Posted by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:03 PM
  • 14 Replies

I'm jumping right in with a long post. Apologies in advance. Not all of my posts will be this long, I promise.

I feel like a terrible mother. Sky and I have always been so very close up until this last year and a half or more. I left her father and she came with me. Our marriage was horrible and he was not so good to her most of the time. Not so good to either of us and she understood when we separated and she wanted to come with me. I couldn't even imagine it going any other way.  This was back on 2008. She was in the 4th grade and 9 years old.  I was always so involved in school and with her teachers. I was her girl scout troop leader and we did everything together all the time. We had our girl's days once every other week where we would disappear for the whole day and go shopping and have lunch together.

When we moved out and into our own small apartment it was hard. It was just me and we had little to no money. Times were incredibly tough for us. They were terrible between her dad and me and not that good for her and her dad. She never wanted to go spend much time with him and when she did she would text me (once she had a phone) to please come and get her. It was heart wrenching.

I started dating and things were a mess where that was concerned. I was laid off from work and going through a horrible depressive time that lasted 6 months. During those 6 months I was not emotionally available to her the way I should have been. I was sad and volatile and not taking very good care of either one of us. I wasn't involved in her school any longer. I woke up to take her to school and then slept until it was time to go get her in the afternoon.

Now she's 13. I am in a steady and loving relationship with the best thing (aside from her) that has ever happened to me. We all live in a house together. Her father now has a girlfriend who lives with him and he's calmed down and changed a lot. I am no longer depressed and things are very stable financially, but I believe that because of my mistakes over the last 2 years Sky has drifted further from me than I ever expected. Her relationship with her dad is now a very good one and a large part of that is because I wouldn't let him just disappear they way he threatened to all the time.  I pushed for them to develop something - anything at all. And they have. Now she loves him to death and she doesn't like me very much.

So much of it has to do with her being 13 and "at that age" - I know this. But I can't help but think it's been made worse by the decisions I made. Decisions that I consider mistakes because I was depressed and couldn't see how much some things were hurting her.  I was trying so hard to find the self that I had lost during my marriage to someone who was so terrible to me. I let her fall by the way side while I struggled.

We argue now. Argue over rules and respect. She gets along very well with her dad's girlfriend, but doesn't seem to want to accept my boyfriend. Part of that is because (I think) she feels like he's taken me away from her. I am trying so hard to bridge this gap between us and foster communication and to get things back to the way they were.  She is with me primarily and with her father every other weekend so I'm the enforcer. I'm the one who makes her do her chores and her homework and take a shower and go to bed on time. I'm the one who says no electronics after 8pm. I'm the one who puts her on restriction if she can't get out of bed on time in the morning. She admits that we aren't as close and that she feels like if she talks to me about how she's feeling she'll just make me angry or sad. So I've changed things in order to try and make her more comfortable talking to me. She shows signs of being so frustrated here that she might want to live with her father, but her father and I agree that's not the way to go. I don't want to teach her that just because she's frustrated means she gets to jump ship and go elsewhere only to get frustrated there and come back here, which we all know would happen. I think part of the reason why she's so good with her dad right now is because they're not together all the time.

When I was married I spent the all of my time dealing with the effects of him treating us both like crap. Some of it she saw and some of it she didn't, but she knew we were not in a good place and she even asked me when she was 5 why I stayed with her dad. It was her and I against the world when we were all together and her and I against the world on our own when we moved out...until I dated. And the one guy she really liked cheated on me and lied to me. Go figure. She doesn't know every detail, but I am as honest with her about everything as is appropriate and that's pretty honest without crossing any lines.

I love her so much - there are no words to convey it properly. She's everything to me. She's intelligent and funny and so beautiful. She is secure in her own identity and talented at so many things. I see her as this tiny little girl so full of love for me when she was small and then I see her now. And it's different. I'm so scared to lose her. So scared that I've managed to ruin everything. I'm scared that I've ruined this beautiful relationship and broken her trust. Am I her first heartbreak? Did I do that to her? I promised her that I would always be there and during that awful 6-month period I wasn't, but I am now and I don't want it to be too late.

I hate the think that after all we've been through...10 years with her father creating mess after mess that my one (although large) issue which has now been resloved would split us apart. I know she loves me and she does show it when we're together and things are going well. Help?

by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Cafe AmyS
by Head Admin on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:18 PM

Welcome to the group Erin!

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group.

First of all, I think most of your problem is that you're beating yourself up over something you have no control over.  She's never going to be that little girl you remember.  She's growing up.  And then I see that you might be resentful of her relationship with her dad.  Perhaps family counseling is in order so you two can learn to communicate again.


vampjezzabell
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:51 PM

I don't feel resentful. Really I don't. I think at first I was sort of jealous because it was new to me. I have talked about counceling with her dad, who luckily is much more calm and easy to deal with then when we were together. So it's a possibility, although when I brought it up to Sky she was not so much for it. So it's a little tricky because I dont want to force her into it. I currently don't have health insurance s I can't go on my own so I talk to my family and visit places like this.

I know the change in dynamic is inevitable. I think I am cought off guard with how sudden it seemed to come on. :-/

MrsBLB
by Missi on Nov. 15, 2012 at 2:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group Erin.  

I know sometimes it's hard when change happens.  You can't change that 6 months and I'm sure she understands some of what you were struggling with.  Let her know you are there for her no matter what, even if she thinks it'll upset you.  Assure her that y'all can get thru things together.  Try to get your girl time back.  Please keep us posted.  Hugs to you, hang in there.

vampjezzabell
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 3:03 PM

Thank you. I am glad to be here.

drfink
by Emily on Nov. 15, 2012 at 3:23 PM

Part of it is her age and a part of it could be all that has gone on.You're guilt can at times keep someone from being fully with the other person.They can feel it and draw back at times.A little guilt is good ,kind of like a conscience but too much is a problem.

Agree family counseling even with the two of you would be good.Call some therapists have sliding fees for those without ins.,Catholic Charities can offer non religious based therapy or family counseling based on income if there isn't insurance,Look at large churches also.I belong to a massive one.We have a program called DivorceCare that is 26 weeks long and revolving meaning someone can join anytime and a DivorceCare for kids,teens also.It is 30 $ and is good for two 26 sessions.It hasn't any religious affiliation.A close friend of mine is gay and her partner of 17 years left her ...cheating.She and their son attended even though she had never been legally married to her partner.

Look for resources ,it will help yall.

MiriRose923
by New Member on Nov. 16, 2012 at 1:52 PM

Hi Erin, and welcome! It's great that you're able to share so transparently about all you're dealing with in your relationship with your daughter. My own daughter is about to turn 13, so I can totally relate to where you are at right now.

It sounds like you are a great mom, and I'm sure your daughter knows how much you love her and care about her. I've found that sometimes when I don't seem to be getting through to my daughter, I have to take a step back and really consider what she might be going through outside the home, as well.  Is your daughter happy in her school?  What are her friends like?

I understand that going through divorce is a very painful experience for everyone involved, and I agree with the previous poster about looking into Divorce Care.  You might also be interested in a book by Shaunti Feldhan called For Parents Only:  Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid.  I haven't read this book, but I did read one of the author's other books called For Women Only, and it was an eye-opener for me!  


vampjezzabell
by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 5:07 PM
1 mom liked this

I will definatly check that book out - I am all about reading to gain information. I just have to make sure she doesn't see it. She'll roll her eyes and make fun. :) Over the last 2 weeks we've been doing much better...I am trying so hard. We even worked out with her dad's girlfriend today. The back story on that is that I suggested to her dad that we all get together for dinner or something casual once a month or so in order to make Sky feel good about all of us and for her to know that we're all ok and friends to some degree. At first he told me that she didn't feel comfortable with it and I understood, but Sky was somewhat dissappointed. Then last week out of nowhere she had Sky call and ask me to go work out with them (Sky was at her dad's that weekend). It was last minute and I couldn't so we made plans to do it today. I think it was a good thing, but I can't help thinking it was him with the issue rather than her. I was skeptical about getting together with her in a place like the gym rather than something like dinner, which I was more "prepared" for. But Sky is worth it to me.

MrsBLB
by Missi on Nov. 18, 2012 at 5:42 PM

I'm glad things are getting better for y'all   :)

Quoting vampjezzabell:

I will definatly check that book out - I am all about reading to gain information. I just have to make sure she doesn't see it. She'll roll her eyes and make fun. :) Over the last 2 weeks we've been doing much better...I am trying so hard. We even worked out with her dad's girlfriend today. The back story on that is that I suggested to her dad that we all get together for dinner or something casual once a month or so in order to make Sky feel good about all of us and for her to know that we're all ok and friends to some degree. At first he told me that she didn't feel comfortable with it and I understood, but Sky was somewhat dissappointed. Then last week out of nowhere she had Sky call and ask me to go work out with them (Sky was at her dad's that weekend). It was last minute and I couldn't so we made plans to do it today. I think it was a good thing, but I can't help thinking it was him with the issue rather than her. I was skeptical about getting together with her in a place like the gym rather than something like dinner, which I was more "prepared" for. But Sky is worth it to me.


marney.p
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 7:20 AM

The teenage years can be really hard. it sounds like you are trying really hard to work with her father, and parent your daughter well. Im glad you are in a better place now. We all make mistakes in the past. We can not take them back, but we can learn from them and do better in the future. Good luck.

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