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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Disappointed and sadden mom

Posted by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 3:11 AM
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I have recently learned that my daugter is having sex and is on birth control.  I have brought her up in a christian home and have had all the talks about sex and the issues it causes.  The real killer is her best friends mother for her daughters birthday got a room at a hotel, gave  them pizza and beer and left them for the night with their boyfriends!  This mother is also responsible for my daughter having the birth control.  This made me sick to my stomach.  What mother in her right mind would do these things.  I don't want to confront my daughter.  She is having so many issues with school that this would be the topper. How dow we as moms get into their hearts and minds? . How do I deal with this and get her to understand the risks along with the emotional issues that go along with it? She is far to young to understand the complications that go with having sex with boys. I have tried to explain but I have failed.  You asked her ag.  She just turned 15.

by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 3:11 AM
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spinmom13
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 3:37 AM
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 I saw the title to your post,"Disappointed and sadden mom", and wow. I would have the same title if I posted. I am in the same boat and have been dealing with certain issues for quite some time now. I know the frustration you must be feeling, yet my opinion is you definantly need to confront her and do it now. Don't waste any time, the quicker you put things out on the table the better. She might be struggling in multiple areas, but that is when she needs you the most.

Sit down with her,discuss the issues and set some ground rules. One thing I learned is be consistent, make sure she knows you love her always. Even when she is being disciplined,remind her it is because you love her.Is she still allowed to be with that friend under that parents supervision? That needs to stop. Be firm,yet loving. She will love you more later for caring.

Good luck!

DarlaHood
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 4:28 AM
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You didn't mention how old your dd is, so I'm going to assume 16/17?  I did my Sr. Thesis research on Parental Communication and Teen Sexual Behavior.  Although I know that as parents we want to protect our kids, the truth is that 85% of teens have sex by the time they graduate high school.  The average age is about 16 and a half.

While 85% of teens report they have been or are sexually active, about 95% of parents say they think their teens are not having sex.  The reason I bring this up is that there really is no sense in communicating disappointment about something that is very normal for almost all teens.  By college graduation, 95% of them will have become sexually active.  Only 5% remain virgins until marriage, and studies show that the 5% do "other things" to avoid intercourse, but may still engage in oral sex and petting .  So your dd is quite normal. 

I do understand feeling saddened because of course it would be better if our teens were not sexually active.  It would save them from emotional wounds, potential pregnancy, possible STI's, and other complications if they would postpone sexual activity.  In my study, I found that open communication does improve the likelihood that teens will use contraception and birth control.  However, it does not generally change the average age or percentage of teens who have sex during high school.  The ONLY factor that made a significant difference in teen sexual behavior (postponing the age of intercourse, using appropriate protection/prevention,  AND reducing the number of partners) was Dad's who spoke to their daughters about sex.  Not the mechanics of sex, but about how boys think, what they do, how they might act, and the power dd's have over their own bodies.  Additionally, they may spend time taking dd's on dates to teach them what they should and should not accept in behavior from other men. 

That said, you need to talk to (not confront) your dd about sex/birth control.  She needs to stay on it, so you need to ensure she has what she needs.  Expressing disapointment will only shut communication down.  And you need it open.  Let her know she's normal and you love her.  This is her body, and she is the only one who can make decisions about being sexually active.   If she is really young (13 or 14), then you do need to address what underlying issues might be causing her to seek male companionship in the form of sex in this way.  But since she is already sexually active, she needs to remain on birth control becase she needs time to learn and grow without having an accidental pregnancy.

The other mom, however, is wayyyy out of line.  Providing rooms and liquor is absolutely unacceptable and illegal.  I would report her if it were me.  That is unacceptable.

askmommy
by Member on Nov. 21, 2012 at 4:44 AM
1 mom liked this
You need to talk to her. Keep it open and friendly and try not to show how angry you are, but disappointed is fine. Never let her with the other family again..and I would be having a very loud dissucion with that shithead parent.
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PurpleHazey
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 5:01 AM

HOW OLD IS SHE!

PurpleHazey
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 5:02 AM


Quoting DarlaHood:

You didn't mention how old your dd is, so I'm going to assume 16/17?  I did my Sr. Thesis research on Parental Communication and Teen Sexual Behavior.  Although I know that as parents we want to protect our kids, the truth is that 85% of teens have sex by the time they graduate high school.  The average age is about 16 and a half.

While 85% of teens report they have been or are sexually active, about 95% of parents say they think their teens are not having sex.  The reason I bring this up is that there really is no sense in communicating disappointment about something that is very normal for almost all teens.  By college graduation, 95% of them will have become sexually active.  Only 5% remain virgins until marriage, and studies show that the 5% do "other things" to avoid intercourse, but may still engage in oral sex and petting .  So your dd is quite normal. 

I do understand feeling saddened because of course it would be better if our teens were not sexually active.  It would save them from emotional wounds, potential pregnancy, possible STI's, and other complications if they would postpone sexual activity.  In my study, I found that open communication does improve the likelihood that teens will use contraception and birth control.  However, it does not generally change the average age or percentage of teens who have sex during high school.  The ONLY factor that made a significant difference in teen sexual behavior (postponing the age of intercourse, using appropriate protection/prevention,  AND reducing the number of partners) was Dad's who spoke to their daughters about sex.  Not the mechanics of sex, but about how boys think, what they do, how they might act, and the power dd's have over their own bodies.  Additionally, they may spend time taking dd's on dates to teach them what they should and should not accept in behavior from other men. 

That said, you need to talk to (not confront) your dd about sex/birth control.  She needs to stay on it, so you need to ensure she has what she needs.  Expressing disapointment will only shut communication down.  And you need it open.  Let her know she's normal and you love her.  This is her body, and she is the only one who can make decisions about being sexually active.   If she is really young (13 or 14), then you do need to address what underlying issues might be causing her to seek male companionship in the form of sex in this way.  But since she is already sexually active, she needs to remain on birth control becase she needs time to learn and grow without having an accidental pregnancy.

The other mom, however, is wayyyy out of line.  Providing rooms and liquor is absolutely unacceptable and illegal.  I would report her if it were me.  That is unacceptable.

Your figures are right.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:09 AM
1 mom liked this

When you say birth control, are you referring to condoms?  I don't see how another person can get her chemical birth control.  But I guess it's possible.  I'm very sorry but I would be having all sorts of confrontations about all of this.  Especially with the other parent.  If you don't want to confront your daughter, how did you find out about this?

robyann
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 10:00 AM

 I would be so upset with the mom who took it upon herself to get my dd birth control! That is crossing the line!!

What's done is done. Now you have to go from here. Talk to your dd, I know you said she is having other issues right now too, but these issues could all be related. So talk to her, tell her how you feel about her having sex. Explain why you feel this way (again). Tell her that even though she has messed up that you still love her and now want to help her fix this issue.

Not sure how old your dd is, but unless she's 18 or older I would be really mad about another mom getting a hotel room, beer and boys for my child! What kind of a mom does that?

Stick to your morals, repeat them to your child, ask her to stop having sex. Since you say she was raised in a  Christian home, take her to her youth pastor and ask him to talk with her. Keep praying for her.

typingMom to 6~MawMaw to 9 & counting!

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Nov. 21, 2012 at 10:07 AM

This is great advice!

Quoting DarlaHood:

You didn't mention how old your dd is, so I'm going to assume 16/17?  I did my Sr. Thesis research on Parental Communication and Teen Sexual Behavior.  Although I know that as parents we want to protect our kids, the truth is that 85% of teens have sex by the time they graduate high school.  The average age is about 16 and a half.

While 85% of teens report they have been or are sexually active, about 95% of parents say they think their teens are not having sex.  The reason I bring this up is that there really is no sense in communicating disappointment about something that is very normal for almost all teens.  By college graduation, 95% of them will have become sexually active.  Only 5% remain virgins until marriage, and studies show that the 5% do "other things" to avoid intercourse, but may still engage in oral sex and petting .  So your dd is quite normal. 

I do understand feeling saddened because of course it would be better if our teens were not sexually active.  It would save them from emotional wounds, potential pregnancy, possible STI's, and other complications if they would postpone sexual activity.  In my study, I found that open communication does improve the likelihood that teens will use contraception and birth control.  However, it does not generally change the average age or percentage of teens who have sex during high school.  The ONLY factor that made a significant difference in teen sexual behavior (postponing the age of intercourse, using appropriate protection/prevention,  AND reducing the number of partners) was Dad's who spoke to their daughters about sex.  Not the mechanics of sex, but about how boys think, what they do, how they might act, and the power dd's have over their own bodies.  Additionally, they may spend time taking dd's on dates to teach them what they should and should not accept in behavior from other men. 

That said, you need to talk to (not confront) your dd about sex/birth control.  She needs to stay on it, so you need to ensure she has what she needs.  Expressing disapointment will only shut communication down.  And you need it open.  Let her know she's normal and you love her.  This is her body, and she is the only one who can make decisions about being sexually active.   If she is really young (13 or 14), then you do need to address what underlying issues might be causing her to seek male companionship in the form of sex in this way.  But since she is already sexually active, she needs to remain on birth control becase she needs time to learn and grow without having an accidental pregnancy.

The other mom, however, is wayyyy out of line.  Providing rooms and liquor is absolutely unacceptable and illegal.  I would report her if it were me.  That is unacceptable.


drfink
by Emily on Nov. 21, 2012 at 12:43 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting DarlaHood:

You didn't mention how old your dd is, so I'm going to assume 16/17?  I did my Sr. Thesis research on Parental Communication and Teen Sexual Behavior.  Although I know that as parents we want to protect our kids, the truth is that 85% of teens have sex by the time they graduate high school.  The average age is about 16 and a half.

While 85% of teens report they have been or are sexually active, about 95% of parents say they think their teens are not having sex.  The reason I bring this up is that there really is no sense in communicating disappointment about something that is very normal for almost all teens.  By college graduation, 95% of them will have become sexually active.  Only 5% remain virgins until marriage, and studies show that the 5% do "other things" to avoid intercourse, but may still engage in oral sex and petting .  So your dd is quite normal. 

I do understand feeling saddened because of course it would be better if our teens were not sexually active.  It would save them from emotional wounds, potential pregnancy, possible STI's, and other complications if they would postpone sexual activity.  In my study, I found that open communication does improve the likelihood that teens will use contraception and birth control.  However, it does not generally change the average age or percentage of teens who have sex during high school.  The ONLY factor that made a significant difference in teen sexual behavior (postponing the age of intercourse, using appropriate protection/prevention,  AND reducing the number of partners) was Dad's who spoke to their daughters about sex.  Not the mechanics of sex, but about how boys think, what they do, how they might act, and the power dd's have over their own bodies.  Additionally, they may spend time taking dd's on dates to teach them what they should and should not accept in behavior from other men. 

That said, you need to talk to (not confront) your dd about sex/birth control.  She needs to stay on it, so you need to ensure she has what she needs.  Expressing disapointment will only shut communication down.  And you need it open.  Let her know she's normal and you love her.  This is her body, and she is the only one who can make decisions about being sexually active.   If she is really young (13 or 14), then you do need to address what underlying issues might be causing her to seek male companionship in the form of sex in this way.  But since she is already sexually active, she needs to remain on birth control becase she needs time to learn and grow without having an accidental pregnancy.

The other mom, however, is wayyyy out of line.  Providing rooms and liquor is absolutely unacceptable and illegal.  I would report her if it were me.  That is unacceptable.

Excellent advice and information.\

I work with sexually active teens at our county hospital.Our medical school and we have found it is very important to keep teens active and interested in school.There were less pregnancies among girls that were passing their classes .For those that did become pregnant while in school keeping them in school almost guaranteed not becoming pregnant again till they were adults.We found further delays in pregnancies and repeat pregnancies in girls that had post high school training planned.College ,CNA training about anything worked to delay pregnancy. Sadly many girls that dropped out to work after having a baby had more babies quickly.

I am clueless as to what that other mother could have been thinking.I would be very angry .

DarlaHood
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 1:08 PM

In most states, teens do not need parental permission to obtain birth control pills, patches, shots.  I think confrontations are counter-productive.  Most teens don't tell their parents things because they think their parents will freak-out and won't be able to handle it.  If confrontation with everyone is the result, then that will be her dd's perception.  If another mom is going to actually book a room and supply liquor, she is not likely to see reason after a confrontation.  In fact, I would wager a confrontation would just lead to anger and nothing positive would come of it.  Better to let the police handle it, as they are not emotionally involved. 

Confronting the daughter is also counter-productive in the long run, as it doesn't foster communication between mom and dd.  Confronting the issue might be productive, but I believe that Mom will have better outcome if she avoids emotion-packed confrontations.

Quoting fantasticfour:

When you say birth control, are you referring to condoms?  I don't see how another person can get her chemical birth control.  But I guess it's possible.  I'm very sorry but I would be having all sorts of confrontations about all of this.  Especially with the other parent.  If you don't want to confront your daughter, how did you find out about this?


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