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Totally SHOCKED, caught my 17 year old daughter half naked with boyfriend in house! Eeek!

Hello,

I have a 17 yr old daughter who recently just got her first bf- We have met the boy properly, and is a very nice well rounded boy. We have not let our daughter go out alone with him alone except to his home when his parents are there, mostly they just watch movies and hang out.

Today however, as they were at our house- and my husband decided to go to the store for something- I think they thought I went along because after 15 minutes I decided to get something upstairs in my room in the middle of talking to a friend on the phone- walked up the steps and passed the family room and from the corner of my eyes saw the two SCRAMBLING to get dressed. I did not see much- I think I saw him run to the bathroom across the way- But did see my daughter with only her bra on and no shirt trying to put it back on!

I was on the phone so I felt awkward to react and just kept walking... I did not say anything the entire night- not to the kids nor my husband who who'd flip if he knew! Later the boy went home said goodnight to my husband and I but looked at me a bit embarassed- then my daughter never said one word and went to her room.

I trust my daughter and the boy but kids are kids and teen hormones do sometimes trump all sensibility- we have all been there. Now I am at a loss on where /what to do from here? Do I act like nothing happened, as if I really did not see anything, do I actually tell her I saw what happened? What do I say, where do I even begin?

Do I talk to the boy too? This is all new to me as she is our eldest, so I am in the middle of wanting to be a responsible parent and also not loosing her trust and confidence to open with me on anything. Although this subject, I don't think she will freely discuss with me anytime soon.

PLEASE PLEASE I need some advice how to proceed- this is such a delicate situation- i dont know what to do. Appreciate any advice, thoughts on this... Thanks!

by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:32 AM
Replies (11-20):
Gmgej
by Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 7:19 PM

Talk to your daughter about sex. 

3mom627
by Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:28 PM

Well... We have never actually caught our 18 year old daughter in the act as we can call it.  She has admitted to us that she has had sex. 

You acted very calmly and not telling your DH is a good thing too. I would sit down and try to have a talk with her and tell her you saw enough that you want to fill in the blanks.  We didn't think our DD was or would be having sex, but apparently she did.  There is so much on tv and videos and pressure on these kids, that anything is possible.  Good luck. Let us know what happens.  It's so hard anymore.

3MOM627

have a nice day

atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:29 PM
1 mom liked this
I would have had a talk with both after they dressed. I agree with the person who said it was not the first time, or the 2nd.
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DesignerMom1326
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for all your response everyone-

I did manage to speak with her. First I told her that what happened was not something I was thrilled about. It was disrespectful to us as parents and to our home. That I hope this behavior does not happen when she is at his home, as if it did it would leave an awful impression to his family on what type of girl she is - And she would not like that.

She stood there quietly and agreed. Said she was sorry. I told her this I understand is a natural thing - But I want her to be emotionally ready for this an not just doing them just because. I said that you never know if the boy is here for awhile or is this something that could possibly end after they get to that point. I said that this is a very adult decision to do- and she needs to know all the consequences. I told her that this I hope is the last time I will discuss this behavior with her. I said we allow you to have your bf over to give you some time with him under our supervision. This does not mean that once our back is turned- you can stop thinking properly on what's right. 

She seemed like she took it all well- though looking like she was embarassed and uncomfortable with the talk. I still have not told DH as he is out of town now- I feel I need to sit him and discuss tis correctly as he tends to have a very very old fashioned approach to receiving her having a BF at all. It took some time for me to get him to accept this is happening whether we like ti or not- and its best we know of it that her totally hiding it. He agreed.

It's so difficult to know what teens do at school, when theyre out... I suppose you can only hope that common sense kicks in and that you have given them enough preparation to know better.

As for BC - I know its important. Though I am on the fence on it- as I feel that if I did, what if she thinks I am giving her a free pass? I know it's more important she is safe but why do I feel getting her on BC isn't all on the good side?

atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:39 PM
If you don't want a grandchild I suggest you get her on BC. That wasn't the first time. It only takes once.


Quoting DesignerMom1326:

Thank you for all your response everyone-

I did manage to speak with her. First I told her that what happened was not something I was thrilled about. It was disrespectful to us as parents and to our home. That I hope this behavior does not happen when she is at his home, as if it did it would leave an awful impression to his family on what type of girl she is - And she would not like that.

She stood there quietly and agreed. Said she was sorry. I told her this I understand is a natural thing - But I want her to be emotionally ready for this an not just doing them just because. I said that you never know if the boy is here for awhile or is this something that could possibly end after they get to that point. I said that this is a very adult decision to do- and she needs to know all the consequences. I told her that this I hope is the last time I will discuss this behavior with her. I said we allow you to have your bf over to give you some time with him under our supervision. This does not mean that once our back is turned- you can stop thinking properly on what's right. 

She seemed like she took it all well- though looking like she was embarassed and uncomfortable with the talk. I still have not told DH as he is out of town now- I feel I need to sit him and discuss tis correctly as he tends to have a very very old fashioned approach to receiving her having a BF at all. It took some time for me to get him to accept this is happening whether we like ti or not- and its best we know of it that her totally hiding it. He agreed.

It's so difficult to know what teens do at school, when theyre out... I suppose you can only hope that common sense kicks in and that you have given them enough preparation to know better.

As for BC - I know its important. Though I am on the fence on it- as I feel that if I did, what if she thinks I am giving her a free pass? I know it's more important she is safe but why do I feel getting her on BC isn't all on the good side?


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mumsy2three
by Shauna on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:22 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting DesignerMom1326:

As for BC - I know its important. Though I am on the fence on it- as I feel that if I did, what if she thinks I am giving her a free pass? I know it's more important she is safe but why do I feel getting her on BC isn't all on the good side?

Since she is sexually active I would take her to her doctor let them discuss the different forms of BC, let her chose which one is the right one for her. I don't look at it as a free pass, I think of it as preventing a teen pregnancy.

sabrtooth1
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:28 PM

Putting your dd on BC is NOT giving her a "free pass".  It is common sense.  She NEEDS to have a very open, direct talk with a gyne, not only about pregnancy, but about STD's as well.  75% of women walking around today have HPV.  Over 30% of them were infected by their first--and often ONLY-- bf.  If she has not had the vaccine, she needs to get it NOW.  Also, you are not protected by BC after you swallow the first pill.  She needs to understand about THAT also.  Believe me--this was NOT the first time.

I caught one boy -when there was a GROUP at my house, and when I THOUGHT I was supervising pretty closely- mashed against my younger dd in a hallway.  After I told him RIGHT THERE, to his face, that he was still welcome in our house as long as he ONLY sat at the kitchen table, or stayed in a room where a parent could see him continuously, my dd told me  "Mom, that wasn't the first time.  Usually, he could feel the vibe when a parent was coming around, and throw me half way across the room & look innocent.'

Talk continuously about sex and relationships, even if your dd looks uncomfortable.  Don't tell her  'Just say no" or "We expect more from you." ASK HER-- What will happen if you get pregnant?  What will you do if you get an STD?  What will you do when you go away to school?  What are you expecting from a relationship?  


lruggio
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:49 PM
2 moms liked this

I would not be too concerned with "losing her trust" at this point in time...because she lost YOURS...right?  

You need to get to her right now and have a come-to-jesus kind of talk...I mean, REALLY put your foot down that you absolutely will not tolerate this situation in your home, disrespecting the family in this way.  If you do not put a good amount of fear in her to never disrespect your family in this way...and she is not on birth control, you may  become a grandparent way before your time...

I think its way too important to get to the whole bottom of this and even make an appt for her to get seen to start birth control...as you say, teen hormones can make even the greatest kid screw up...and THESE kinds of screw ups can have lifelong repercussions.

I think you need to first talk to your daughter, and based on how that goes, you can decide if you will talk to the boy as well.  I am inclined to talk to her first...then talk to the boy too, so we are all on the same page.  Then we shall see just how "special" he would still feel about my daughter...if he can get beyond the wrath of a Mom and not put his tail between his legs and run, then maybe he is, what you say as a nice boy...but if he runs after the conversation then he was just another punk getting ready to use my daughter and that just fine with me that she found out now, that he was just another punk... 

you can keep this between you and her  and the boy for right now and not tell her father...but make a serious deal with them that from this point on, YOUR rules, YOUR home...otherwise you will pull the blackmail trump card and tell her father.

But certainly, make that appointment to get her seen to discuss birth control...she is fast becoming a young woman and she needs to be protected if she is going to start behaving like an adult...

Good luck!


mgm_5
by Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:52 PM
Definitely talk to her, next step is a trip to the gyno to get her on birth control, do not ignore it or she'll end up pregnant or with an std
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Da998
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 3:42 PM
2 moms liked this

Agreed.  Sex education on STDs and get her on BC.  You may want to read this post: 

http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/17626172/I_bought_my_15_y_o_DD_a_vibrater?highlight=210615463#post210615463

Also, look up Dr. Laura Berman on talking to your daughter about sex and masturbation.

http://www.drlauraberman.com/info/v1us/daughter


I plan on talking to my daughter about masturbation when she gets her period.  She is 9 and I have spoken to her about sex in a very basic way (nothing explicit).  I had a baby when I was 15, my mom decided to bring it up when I was already pregnant.  Think of it this way.  When you introduce the topic between the ages of 7 and say 13, you are telling them what it is and the truth about how it should be handled.  By the time they get to feeling like they want to do it, they will have had many years of thinking about it already and so the likelyhood of a girl making the right decision is higher than a quick irrational decision based on physical wants.  Does that make sense?  I think it does.  We all have free will, educating her is not giving her a free pass, it is simply giving her the information she needs (with honesty and love) to make good decisions in her life  for the rest of her life.


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