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Totally SHOCKED, caught my 17 year old daughter half naked with boyfriend in house! Eeek!

Hello,

I have a 17 yr old daughter who recently just got her first bf- We have met the boy properly, and is a very nice well rounded boy. We have not let our daughter go out alone with him alone except to his home when his parents are there, mostly they just watch movies and hang out.

Today however, as they were at our house- and my husband decided to go to the store for something- I think they thought I went along because after 15 minutes I decided to get something upstairs in my room in the middle of talking to a friend on the phone- walked up the steps and passed the family room and from the corner of my eyes saw the two SCRAMBLING to get dressed. I did not see much- I think I saw him run to the bathroom across the way- But did see my daughter with only her bra on and no shirt trying to put it back on!

I was on the phone so I felt awkward to react and just kept walking... I did not say anything the entire night- not to the kids nor my husband who who'd flip if he knew! Later the boy went home said goodnight to my husband and I but looked at me a bit embarassed- then my daughter never said one word and went to her room.

I trust my daughter and the boy but kids are kids and teen hormones do sometimes trump all sensibility- we have all been there. Now I am at a loss on where /what to do from here? Do I act like nothing happened, as if I really did not see anything, do I actually tell her I saw what happened? What do I say, where do I even begin?

Do I talk to the boy too? This is all new to me as she is our eldest, so I am in the middle of wanting to be a responsible parent and also not loosing her trust and confidence to open with me on anything. Although this subject, I don't think she will freely discuss with me anytime soon.

PLEASE PLEASE I need some advice how to proceed- this is such a delicate situation- i dont know what to do. Appreciate any advice, thoughts on this... Thanks!

by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 2:32 AM
Replies (141-150):
xxshelbyxxx
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 4:05 PM
Everything this mom said in her comment was what I was goin to say. Don't ignore it because then you'll feel guilty if something negative happens like pregnancy or STDs because you didn't help inform her, even though YES they do get some sex-Ed from school. It's always better coming from your own mom though. I'm 22 and my mom had a puberty/ sex talk with me when I was like 11 and found my first pubic hair and got my first period..so I've felt comfortable talkin about anything and everything with my mom for as long as I can remember. You want that same relationship with your girl. Birth control, std's, hormones, the way most guys think with their weiners, you need to tell her all that. And I agree with the comment who said not to tell DH this time but next time you're going to because you don't expect it in your house. Don't be naive like a big majority of moms are about the sex subject.


Quoting DarlaHood:

Do NOT ignore it and say nothing.  Your dd is normal.  85% of teens have sex before graduating high school.  You need to go in and talk to her, and let her know that while it did catch you off guard, and you aren't condoning it, you are not going to freak out.  Then you need to discuss with her protection, birth control options, STI's, and respecting yourself within relationships.  Is she going to feel comfortable with her choices if he dumps her tomorrow?  Has she thought this through?  Make sure you take her to get birth control.  If she says she doesn't want to talk to you about it, just let her know that's not an option.  You have to talk.  There are really reliable easy options for birth control, such as the nuva ring and patches.  With the nuva ring, they only have to remember to put it in once a month and take it out once a month.  So you don't have to rely on her remembering every day.  Get the latest STI information on line, and make sure she knows how prevalent Herpes Virus and other infections are, so she will be careful.  And tell her to be more careful and private if they don't want to create awkward situations.


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mgarze
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 7:32 PM

do not ignore it..they mightve had sex already.you need to talk with her and try not to get angry at anything she says...unless you rather not know..My daughter told me she and her bf were gonna have sex...i recently put her on bc pills and told her it does not replace a condom by any means..

ChristyG2012
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:45 PM
I don't have any teens...heck I was still a teen a few short yrs ago! But I would talk to her about it. No judgement or criticism. Just an open honest convo about all those feelings she's having. I noticed you said she wouldn't freely discuss the subject w/ you but maybe you should sit her down & do the talking yourself. Once she sees you're not angry she may be willing to open up. Good luck!
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squeak79
by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 9:04 AM

Honestly, she is 17 and soon enough will be running off to college.  I have heard of many kids sexually engaged at a much younger age.  Not that that makes it any easier for you. I would suggest talking to her especially about BC.  Just because you talk to her about it, and you and your husband are active in her life, it does not mean that when she goes to the bf that his parents pay much attention and this kind of extra curricular thing might be happening there.  If you tell her not to do it then it's almost a given she will.  Definetly state that you think she is to young for this but that if she is going to do it she must understand the consequences if she does not take proper precautions.

DesignerMom1326
by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 12:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Hello All!

***UPDATE*** - Yes I managed to "talk" to my daughter about this- and I was perfectly calm and non judgemental about it too! WOW! Anyway, I went off telling her that I simply do not condone this behavior and disrespect in our home, NOR do I think this should ever ever happen at HIS home either. 

She nodded her head and said yes, she is sorry. Later she told the boy what we discussed and she told me he said sorry too.This has to have been the MOST awkward experience in my adult life! But I am glad that I talked ot her. Days after the talk I continued to asked her about how serious she and her bf are and how far have they gone intimately. I asked this due to some of the responses I read from here that this could not have been the first time this happened... And although I can't imagine where they would have been as they do not go anywhere but each other's home... well the wheels turned in my head...

IF in fact ehy did attempt this at our home, maybe they have done this before? I asked her directly but she kept saying no they have done nothing to that extent. At this point I don't know whether to completely take that as the truth but I can't drill her on it to the point she really won't tell me anything...

Any advice on this part ladies? How can I get her to openly discuss this? I have said it all to her-

1- I am concerned and I want to be int he know of what happens so I can be there for her if she has any concerns

2- I am not jusdging her, I just want to be sure they are emotionally ready and safe to get to that point

3- I am here for her always

It seems she agreed and nodded- But I can still sense that she is sooo embarassed by me talking to her about it. I don't know how to make this more comfortable for her to feel its okay to talk to me freely... HELP?

AviannasMama
by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 8:22 AM
I'm 28 years old and although I haven't read all the responses, I think they are from moms a little older than me (this is the teen board I believe) but I feel like I was just 17 yesterday! Anyways, your daughter is 17..I think the average age for losing your virginity is 15 and that age just keeps getting younger. I wouldn't make her feel like she's doing something wrong...kids will have sex one way or another. Would you rather it done at a party or in their car Where they might not have the proper protection?
Also, the worst thing a mom can do is say they are not going tO put their dd on BC bc that "condones/encourages them". From experience and watching 16 and preg lol, the most common theme with teen pregnancies is the girls mother/parents either wouldn't put them on bc or they were scared to talk to their parents about it. Kids are going to have sex regardless! Being 17, she's almost an adult (in most states).
Bottom line, I would get this girl on birth control! Also, I wouldn't tell her father. That might make her just not feel comfortable coming to you for things. It seems all the girls I knew that got pregnant young had mothers that they couldn't go to or forbid them from having sex. And you don't want that happening! GL
DesignerMom1326
by on Nov. 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM


Yes I have spoken to her on this- and I do understand teens and sex- go hand in hand- I was a teen myslef and fully know what happens and for the most part parents arent always aware of everything their child does. However, I hope to change the kind of relationship I myself had with my parents where sex was jus tnot a subject to discuss. With our children, my husband and I try our best to be open , non judgemental and helpful with our kids. I do undestand BC is the biggest need here- and I am thinking to get that done ASAP- However, I do need to also bring my DH into this and discuss it with him so that it does not seem that I am doing this without his knowledge... as he is a part of raising her to be responsible.
Quoting AviannasMama:

I'm 28 years old and although I haven't read all the responses, I think they are from moms a little older than me (this is the teen board I believe) but I feel like I was just 17 yesterday! Anyways, your daughter is 17..I think the average age for losing your virginity is 15 and that age just keeps getting younger. I wouldn't make her feel like she's doing something wrong...kids will have sex one way or another. Would you rather it done at a party or in their car Where they might not have the proper protection?
Also, the worst thing a mom can do is say they are not going tO put their dd on BC bc that "condones/encourages them". From experience and watching 16 and preg lol, the most common theme with teen pregnancies is the girls mother/parents either wouldn't put them on bc or they were scared to talk to their parents about it. Kids are going to have sex regardless! Being 17, she's almost an adult (in most states).
Bottom line, I would get this girl on birth control! Also, I wouldn't tell her father. That might make her just not feel comfortable coming to you for things. It seems all the girls I knew that got pregnant young had mothers that they couldn't go to or forbid them from having sex. And you don't want that happening! GL


bemadre
by Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 7:31 PM

I went through this exact scenario with my 16 year old daughter and her boyfriend about 9 months ago.  I was at the store and came through the garage, into the basement game room (the door was shut), only to see my daughter's shirtless 16-year old boyfriend leap up from the couch.  He told me my daughter was in the bathroom.  I calmly walked up the stairs to the kitchen , where my husband was sitting at the desk, on the computer and I put the groceries on the counter.  I then walked back downstairs to the gameroom and stood outside the bathroom door as, lo and behold, my daughter comes out, pulling her shirt over her head.  I wanted to scream at them and kick the boy out but, amazingly, I kept it together as I asked them what they were doing.  It was a rhetorical question as I knew I would not get an answer.  I then told them this behavior 'has to stop' and I walked back upstairs.  I did tell my husband then and he just grimaced.  To top it all off.THE BOY STAYED FOR DINNER!  We knew forbidding them to see each other could potentially lead to a Romeo and Juliet situation so we opted tp talk to our daughter and lay down some rules about her time with her beau--no closed doors, no weekday visits etc.  Daughter was already on birth control pills for heavy menstrual bleeding--thank god as we found out she did lose her virginity to this boy.


I joined cafe mom after this and the advice I received here helped me put it all in perspective.  Kids do have sex earlier these days and even having a prude of a mom like me who had sex the first time at 25, with her husband, on her wedding night didn't keep both of my daughters from losing their virginity at 15 and 16.  Fortunately, my daughter broke up with this boy--she really was torn between her friends, us and this boy and he did kind of take her out of her comfort zone--and is now in a much more age-appropriate relationship with another boy her age.  So, in conclusion, talk calmly to her, explain what you want for her future and ask what she wants and don't embarass her yet.  Get her birth control--hey, it's against my religion but my brain tells me, as do other moms who have been there, once the horse is out of the barn--you know the rest...

bemadre
by Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 7:53 PM

It is sooooo awkward but it is best to just let your feelingsout in a calm manner.  No yelling just tell her this is awkward and hard for you too but you want her to know you want her to have what's best for her, to have fun but to realize she has a lot of years ahead of her--finish high school, college?--so a potential pregnancy could be a game changer.  

I had help in my investigation into my daughter's shenanigans, my older daughter told me that little sis confided in her that she had lost her virginity to her boyfriend.  Imagine, as a mother, having to sit on that news so as not to destroy the privacy bond between my two daughters, potentially causing my 16-year old to stop confiding in her sister?  The only reason my older daughter did tell me everything she knew about her younger sister's relationship was that she did not like the boy her sis was dating and had heard many negative comments about him.

DesignerMom1326
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 6:15 PM

YES! It is the most un nerving feeling to have gone through. I did talk to her about it all. Often I do wonder why when I do ask her how far they have gone - she always always tells me not far. But to be shirtless seems rather bold thing to do at your own house isn't it?

Teens are teens regardless and I also did what you did and TRIED to keep my composure so as not to make this matter worse by throwing a fit over it all... so far nothing, the boy still comes by but we are ALWAYS around. so nothing much goes on further than them sitting next to each other. I am hoping to be able to talk more in depth with her about this- once she frees us her guard a bit as she is currently very very private about their relationship. 

I can't force anything out, so all I am is waiting for the time she feels she can openly come to me... Hoping sooner than later.

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