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Advice Needed: Son acts like a selfish jerk

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Is it okay to tell your 15 year old son that you feel that he is being a "selfish jerk" if he is acting like one? My son has been acting this way for a long time and I have told him many times that specific behaviour is not acceptable and I won't put up with it, but he does whatever he pleases anyway.

 

by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 12:39 PM
Replies (11-20):
Wyndi
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 6:05 PM
1 mom liked this

 Not much you can do to curb this behavior other than talk to him, take away priviledges and such, But wait til its time for drivers license and he loses the car.......... thats when they start acting right. My son lost driving priviledges for 2 months. Since then he's been more respectful to me.

Jinx-Troublex3
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 7:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Its not verbal abuse if its true and you aren't constanly screaming at him about it. If the kids is a brat, call him on it!

Sit down and explain that if he wants to be treated like a young man, he needs to act like a young man.

Set up chores and expectations with consequences and rewards. Rewards might be an allowance or might just be the priviledge of hanging with friends. Consequences can be whatever hits home. Loss of phone, game priviledges, not going out with friends, etc.
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lazyd
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 8:41 PM


Quoting 21lisa72:

 

Quoting lazyd:

I too am just like this.  I HATE how verbally abusive i am too.  My son is 10 and adhd and im certain that my son's attitude will also only get worse has he hits puberty!  Our whole family is also is family therapy. 

Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I know it may not sound nice. I try not to let it get to me but my 12 1/2 yo with ADHD is just starting to be extremely and mouthy and bossy to me. It is very hard to change him. I ground him I take things away etc. sometimes I just straight out say Brett you are acting like a disrespectful jerk! Not the best wording I know probably verbal abuse I need to stop! I am at my whits end but sometimes I think he needs to hear it he is straight up mean! I also tell him that! I never hit him. I was physically and verbally abused as a child and I never wanted to do this. I know I am repeating history and need to stop. I am in counceling and we start to see a family psychologist in January! The thing is he won't dare to talk to me like this when my husband is home. I think in your case as well it could be age him wanting to be like an adult. Try to enforce rules add punishments chores around the house. Maybe some counceling maybe something is going on stressing him out that he doesn't want to talk to you about. Teens really have alot of pressures to live up to. I guess we just have to try to be as understanding as we can?

 Do you think the family therapy helps?  Because I am unsure how my son will participate.  I dont want to sound negative before it happens but e tends to blame his outburts on me,  Like well I talked to you this waybecause you were doing this and it bothered me etc.  My constant answer is it doesnt matter what I do I am the parent he is the child and he needs to learn to respect me no matter what.  I know that it cant ake things anyworse.  I know it can get worse and Ineed to get on top of things now because I have read statistically that adhd kids have a higher chance for authoritative problems in life.  The thing is at this point, thank God his teachers say despite occasional frustrations with work levels that are just too difficult for him where he will just shut down (because he also has several learning disabilities) his behavior is very good.  He has also been playing hockey since 7 which they say is a great sport for adhd kids and is now the goalie which takes great concentration, his coaches say he always listens well and follows direction.  So the problem is only at home and mostly with me.  My husband which is his stepdad thinks it is the way I interact with him so I really need to change.  It is very hard as you know and I always have a small piece in the back of my mind because he was a 31 week preemie.  We both almost died during an emergen csection and he had alot of touch and go moments.  I had alot of guilt with that for along time bcause my body coul not sustain the pregnancy and i know his disabilities are related  to his prematurity.

Well sorry this was long I just felt good to vent to a fellow mom that has some understanding of my situation!

 

Once again, my son is the exact same way.  My son blames ME for everything.  I ask my son to do something nicely, he refuses, screams at me and than when I start to get upset, he "claims" im the one that is yelling.  My son is fine at school - well not really - but he doesnt yell there like he yells at home with me.  My son does individual therapy once a week and I really do believe this helps him plus we will be startin family therapy soon because i need my son to learn that it NOT all my fault and that I dont start things.  Have you joined ADHD and Us group?  They have helped me A LOT and understand everything im goin thru! 

DarlaHood
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:47 AM
2 moms liked this

Just be careful that you are very clear that it is his behavior that is selfish, as opposed to him.  The difference between labeling a kid or labeling a behavior choice.  It is actually important because kids who take on labels tend to continue to fulfill them, but behaviors are something that are within his control and can be changed. 

It's fairly typical for teens to be self-centered and to engage in selfish behavior.  However if he is doing whatever he wants with disregard for your expectations - then you have to deal with that.  He has to know that you are the one in charge.  If you need help, see a family therapist.  You can start by taking him down to bare necessities  (no computer, no ipod, no cell phone, no rides to anywhere but school or planned practices (for sports or commitments), no fast food, no allowance, no tv, etc...).  Then make a list of what is required for him to keep/maintain these priveleges.  For example, being respectful each day will earn him tv time at night.  Doing a chores will get him internet access/computer time. Doing his schoolwork will earn him his ipod.  Going to every class ontime will get him his cellphone, etc...

Keep it simple.  Make it a daily thing.  If he's disrespectful today, he doesn't earn that privelege, but he does get a new chance tomorrow.  Also do not argue with him.  Make an index card for chores.  So if the chore is cleaning his room, list the things that must be done (without being overly nit-picky).  It could be: 1) empty trash 2) make bed 3) clear debris/clothing off floor 4) vacuum, 5) remove all dishes.  If all 5 aren't done correctly, then no privilege.  it's all or nothing and no negotiation.  If he argues, ignore him and walk away. 

He will pitch a fit initially.  this is a good sign because it means it will likely be effective.  You know what privileges are important to him, and you know what expectations are important to you.  If you don't argue and follow through EVERY time, he will change his tune, and you might be amazed at how quickly it happens.

mjc10
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 8:52 AM

Have there been any repercussions for his behavior?

Lorena
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 9:10 AM
My 14yr old and 13 yr old are like this. I am a little more understanding of my 13 yr old he was diagnost with severe Adha at the age of 6, depression this yr. He is also CD. He is in counseling but it's not helping. Mentally he is 7 but his body is 13. As for my 14yr old he can just be mean and disrespectful. I have told him, grounded him but he doesnt change errr.
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yupok
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 9:10 AM

Don't feel guilty, momma.  There's a difference between saying "you're acting like a disrespectful jerk" and "you're a disrespectful jerk".  The first you're addressing his behavior, the second you're berating him as a person.  As for him having ADHD, he's still a person and him having ADHD is NOT AN EXCUSE for bad manners and being disrespectful.

Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I know it may not sound nice. I try not to let it get to me but my 12 1/2 yo with ADHD is just starting to be extremely and mouthy and bossy to me. It is very hard to change him. I ground him I take things away etc. sometimes I just straight out say Brett you are acting like a disrespectful jerk! Not the best wording I know probably verbal abuse I need to stop! I am at my whits end but sometimes I think he needs to hear it he is straight up mean! I also tell him that! I never hit him. I was physically and verbally abused as a child and I never wanted to do this. I know I am repeating history and need to stop. I am in counceling and we start to see a family psychologist in January! The thing is he won't dare to talk to me like this when my husband is home. I think in your case as well it could be age him wanting to be like an adult. Try to enforce rules add punishments chores around the house. Maybe some counceling maybe something is going on stressing him out that he doesn't want to talk to you about. Teens really have alot of pressures to live up to. I guess we just have to try to be as understanding as we can?


boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:58 AM

Yes.   At 15 he has heard worse, not from his Mother, but still.     I'm all for calling teens out on their behavior.   If he is acting selfish, tell him so!




sunflowers12
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:45 PM
1 mom liked this

your darn right its ok.. can you imagine if we acted the way our kids do to our parents back in the day how far it would have gotten us!! heck my mom just kick me out of her house when ever she would get tired of me.. my mom wished me away so much that eventually i moved 2000 miles away!! with her blessing at 17 so that how it worked for me back in the day... and the only thing my father was concerned about was know longer paying child support and making darn sure my mom was know longer getting well fare for me anymore...

today's kids have the sense of entitlements like i am suppose to buy then all the bells and whistles when we are struggling to keep our heads above water.. i clean for a living and my bus, is not doing that great at all now my dh works and has a pretty good job it only took him 15 years to get to the point and additional 9 years to get to where he is at this present day... so its very frustrating to hear my 15 year old call me a bi*** because i cant afford to buy him a car!!!  or that's what his friends call me because of it.. but you know that tells me how he speaks of me to his friends.. if he didn't feel that way about me he would say know she not she is a hard working mom and has always been there for myself and bro/sis and worked selflessly to be sure that they had what they need and want when we could afford it... but if he said that he wouldn't be a 15 year old he would be 30 or so!!! so its the age and the way kids seem to be now a days... i ask nothing of my kids because they act like their being killed to do tasks or choirs that we as kids had no choice and cps wasn't breathing down our parents back.. its amazing how kids are today not a care for anyone but them self... i know i was a sh** head when i was a kid but i also remember hosing off every once in a while and doing good/nice things for my mom too.. the most i can hope for is that the don't donate my body to science when i die ...sticking out tonguethis is what i say to them when their acting this way...

tyfry7496
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Telling your child they are ACTING like a jerk ( or whatever) is NOT abusive. Telling them they are a jerk could be.

Also, don't allow kids who have ADHD to use it as an excuse to be selfish, rude, disrespectful, etc. My 16 yr old has ADHD and has never been allowed to use that as an excuse to be rude
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