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Advice Needed: Son acts like a selfish jerk

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Is it okay to tell your 15 year old son that you feel that he is being a "selfish jerk" if he is acting like one? My son has been acting this way for a long time and I have told him many times that specific behaviour is not acceptable and I won't put up with it, but he does whatever he pleases anyway.

 

by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 12:39 PM
Replies (31-36):
21lisa72
by Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 5:32 PM
Yes I am in the ADHD group and I enjoy it because it is the only place I feel that moms really get what this whole thing is like. Right now I am on vacation in Disney with him my husband and my mom keeps telling me just leave him alone and he is mouthing off to me and complaining the whole time and blaming the way he acts on me because I yell he acts out and I need to talk softly so he will be better. I don't know if she gets this ADHD thing and she doesn't see him in full force rages. I also told her when I grew up but her defence is she is different now so I need to be too. She doesn't understand that nothing works with this kid right now. We are supposed to go to a very merry Christmas at magic kingdom tonight the tickets were $60. And he has been complain all day and I am wrong for trying to correct the attitude and I am wrong geeez!

Quoting lazyd:



Quoting 21lisa72:


 


Quoting lazyd:


I too am just like this.  I HATE how verbally abusive i am too.  My son is 10 and adhd and im certain that my son's attitude will also only get worse has he hits puberty!  Our whole family is also is family therapy. 


Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I know it may not sound nice. I try not to let it get to me but my 12 1/2 yo with ADHD is just starting to be extremely and mouthy and bossy to me. It is very hard to change him. I ground him I take things away etc. sometimes I just straight out say Brett you are acting like a disrespectful jerk! Not the best wording I know probably verbal abuse I need to stop! I am at my whits end but sometimes I think he needs to hear it he is straight up mean! I also tell him that! I never hit him. I was physically and verbally abused as a child and I never wanted to do this. I know I am repeating history and need to stop. I am in counceling and we start to see a family psychologist in January! The thing is he won't dare to talk to me like this when my husband is home. I think in your case as well it could be age him wanting to be like an adult. Try to enforce rules add punishments chores around the house. Maybe some counceling maybe something is going on stressing him out that he doesn't want to talk to you about. Teens really have alot of pressures to live up to. I guess we just have to try to be as understanding as we can?

 Do you think the family therapy helps?  Because I am unsure how my son will participate.  I dont want to sound negative before it happens but e tends to blame his outburts on me,  Like well I talked to you this waybecause you were doing this and it bothered me etc.  My constant answer is it doesnt matter what I do I am the parent he is the child and he needs to learn to respect me no matter what.  I know that it cant ake things anyworse.  I know it can get worse and Ineed to get on top of things now because I have read statistically that adhd kids have a higher chance for authoritative problems in life.  The thing is at this point, thank God his teachers say despite occasional frustrations with work levels that are just too difficult for him where he will just shut down (because he also has several learning disabilities) his behavior is very good.  He has also been playing hockey since 7 which they say is a great sport for adhd kids and is now the goalie which takes great concentration, his coaches say he always listens well and follows direction.  So the problem is only at home and mostly with me.  My husband which is his stepdad thinks it is the way I interact with him so I really need to change.  It is very hard as you know and I always have a small piece in the back of my mind because he was a 31 week preemie.  We both almost died during an emergen csection and he had alot of touch and go moments.  I had alot of guilt with that for along time bcause my body coul not sustain the pregnancy and i know his disabilities are related  to his prematurity.


Well sorry this was long I just felt good to vent to a fellow mom that has some understanding of my situation!


 


Once again, my son is the exact same way.  My son blames ME for everything.  I ask my son to do something nicely, he refuses, screams at me and than when I start to get upset, he "claims" im the one that is yelling.  My son is fine at school - well not really - but he doesnt yell there like he yells at home with me.  My son does individual therapy once a week and I really do believe this helps him plus we will be startin family therapy soon because i need my son to learn that it NOT all my fault and that I dont start things.  Have you joined ADHD and Us group?  They have helped me A LOT and understand everything im goin thru! 

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21lisa72
by Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 5:33 PM
Thank you!

Quoting yupok:

Don't feel guilty, momma.  There's a difference between saying "you're acting like a disrespectful jerk" and "you're a disrespectful jerk".  The first you're addressing his behavior, the second you're berating him as a person.  As for him having ADHD, he's still a person and him having ADHD is NOT AN EXCUSE for bad manners and being disrespectful.


Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I know it may not sound nice. I try not to let it get to me but my 12 1/2 yo with ADHD is just starting to be extremely and mouthy and bossy to me. It is very hard to change him. I ground him I take things away etc. sometimes I just straight out say Brett you are acting like a disrespectful jerk! Not the best wording I know probably verbal abuse I need to stop! I am at my whits end but sometimes I think he needs to hear it he is straight up mean! I also tell him that! I never hit him. I was physically and verbally abused as a child and I never wanted to do this. I know I am repeating history and need to stop. I am in counceling and we start to see a family psychologist in January! The thing is he won't dare to talk to me like this when my husband is home. I think in your case as well it could be age him wanting to be like an adult. Try to enforce rules add punishments chores around the house. Maybe some counceling maybe something is going on stressing him out that he doesn't want to talk to you about. Teens really have alot of pressures to live up to. I guess we just have to try to be as understanding as we can?


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
3lilladies81
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 6:37 PM
Bring him out to do charity work and find a family in need for Christmas and have him help pick out presents. Kids lead by example and it takes time. Also nursing homes are a good place to help out.
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Cindy18
by Bronze Member on Nov. 25, 2012 at 6:41 PM

Yep, I think it's perfectly OK to tell anyone that they are being a selfish jerk. 

Then, stop doing anything that you don't have to do for him. That's what I would do.

Shea1967
by on Nov. 25, 2012 at 7:54 PM
Well my son is 13 and acts that way too. Just this morning even. He got his phone taken away for 2 days. After he had calmed down we talked about it. Still no phone but he understands now better.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
yupok
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 6:14 AM

Ok...so your son is blaming you for his behavior?  Hogwash.  How can you be responsible for someone else's actions?  HE's the only one that can control it, not you, your mom or his dad.  It's probably too late but I would have told mom that if I'm being too hard on him, YOU stay with him; hubby and I'll go to the Christmas program because the behavior he's having, he's not going.  And if I had to miss the program, he'd lose every privilege and then have to earn them back, one at a time.  If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  No yelling involved.  Silence is sometimes more effective then yelling...just walk away until you're both calmed down.

Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I am in the ADHD group and I enjoy it because it is the only place I feel that moms really get what this whole thing is like. Right now I am on vacation in Disney with him my husband and my mom keeps telling me just leave him alone and he is mouthing off to me and complaining the whole time and blaming the way he acts on me because I yell he acts out and I need to talk softly so he will be better. I don't know if she gets this ADHD thing and she doesn't see him in full force rages. I also told her when I grew up but her defence is she is different now so I need to be too. She doesn't understand that nothing works with this kid right now. We are supposed to go to a very merry Christmas at magic kingdom tonight the tickets were $60. And he has been complain all day and I am wrong for trying to correct the attitude and I am wrong geeez!

Quoting lazyd:

 


Quoting 21lisa72:


 


Quoting lazyd:


I too am just like this.  I HATE how verbally abusive i am too.  My son is 10 and adhd and im certain that my son's attitude will also only get worse has he hits puberty!  Our whole family is also is family therapy. 


Quoting 21lisa72:

Yes I know it may not sound nice. I try not to let it get to me but my 12 1/2 yo with ADHD is just starting to be extremely and mouthy and bossy to me. It is very hard to change him. I ground him I take things away etc. sometimes I just straight out say Brett you are acting like a disrespectful jerk! Not the best wording I know probably verbal abuse I need to stop! I am at my whits end but sometimes I think he needs to hear it he is straight up mean! I also tell him that! I never hit him. I was physically and verbally abused as a child and I never wanted to do this. I know I am repeating history and need to stop. I am in counceling and we start to see a family psychologist in January! The thing is he won't dare to talk to me like this when my husband is home. I think in your case as well it could be age him wanting to be like an adult. Try to enforce rules add punishments chores around the house. Maybe some counceling maybe something is going on stressing him out that he doesn't want to talk to you about. Teens really have alot of pressures to live up to. I guess we just have to try to be as understanding as we can?

 Do you think the family therapy helps?  Because I am unsure how my son will participate.  I dont want to sound negative before it happens but e tends to blame his outburts on me,  Like well I talked to you this waybecause you were doing this and it bothered me etc.  My constant answer is it doesnt matter what I do I am the parent he is the child and he needs to learn to respect me no matter what.  I know that it cant ake things anyworse.  I know it can get worse and Ineed to get on top of things now because I have read statistically that adhd kids have a higher chance for authoritative problems in life.  The thing is at this point, thank God his teachers say despite occasional frustrations with work levels that are just too difficult for him where he will just shut down (because he also has several learning disabilities) his behavior is very good.  He has also been playing hockey since 7 which they say is a great sport for adhd kids and is now the goalie which takes great concentration, his coaches say he always listens well and follows direction.  So the problem is only at home and mostly with me.  My husband which is his stepdad thinks it is the way I interact with him so I really need to change.  It is very hard as you know and I always have a small piece in the back of my mind because he was a 31 week preemie.  We both almost died during an emergen csection and he had alot of touch and go moments.  I had alot of guilt with that for along time bcause my body coul not sustain the pregnancy and i know his disabilities are related  to his prematurity.


Well sorry this was long I just felt good to vent to a fellow mom that has some understanding of my situation!


 


Once again, my son is the exact same way.  My son blames ME for everything.  I ask my son to do something nicely, he refuses, screams at me and than when I start to get upset, he "claims" im the one that is yelling.  My son is fine at school - well not really - but he doesnt yell there like he yells at home with me.  My son does individual therapy once a week and I really do believe this helps him plus we will be startin family therapy soon because i need my son to learn that it NOT all my fault and that I dont start things.  Have you joined ADHD and Us group?  They have helped me A LOT and understand everything im goin thru! 


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