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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

How can you encourage your teen daughter to open to you about her relationship with a boy?

Posted by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:23 PM
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I know that everyone who has teens have a hard enough time keeping the communication line open - But it seems having them open to you about what they do with their BF is even difficult to achieve. Or at least for me.

My 17 yo daughter just got a BF about 2 months ago - She does share tidbits of what happened in school- etc. But nothing too personal. I think she is embarrassed to tell me about it.

I want her to feel free in sharing those personal things with me- partially because I feel that it is better that I am well aware of where she is at in the relationship, what she's thinking, what her plans are. Is that impeding on her privacy? I dont think so as she is our child - it is my job after all.

Wanted to know what you do to encourage your DD to open up more and feel comfortable doing so. Whenever I talk to her about sex or her relationship she looks as if she is squirming slowly of embarrassment- And I don't want her to feel this way- I think I am more open to this that my own mother EVER was when I was her age. I want it to be that if she has any doubts, she can feel that she can ask me and tell anything.

by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:23 PM
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lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:36 PM
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you talk to her and come right out and say something like "I hope you feel you can talk to me about anything. I know talking about sex might feel awkward at first but I am here if you have any questions or concerns to talk with." As you are becoming more mature more topics will come up along with new experiences. I want to be involved in your life as much as you will let me be."If something happens or you want to talk about something and feel you can't say it to me you could always write it down and I wil respond to it." I love you and know very soon you will be headed out into the world on your own. As your mom I just want to know I have prepared you as best I can."

jdfmommy
by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:28 PM

This!

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

you talk to her and come right out and say something like "I hope you feel you can talk to me about anything. I know talking about sex might feel awkward at first but I am here if you have any questions or concerns to talk with." As you are becoming more mature more topics will come up along with new experiences. I want to be involved in your life as much as you will let me be."If something happens or you want to talk about something and feel you can't say it to me you could always write it down and I wil respond to it." I love you and know very soon you will be headed out into the world on your own. As your mom I just want to know I have prepared you as best I can."


mumsy2three
by Shauna on Nov. 23, 2012 at 2:33 PM

This is a great start. The more open and honest with her that you are the more likely she will open up about everything.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

you talk to her and come right out and say something like "I hope you feel you can talk to me about anything. I know talking about sex might feel awkward at first but I am here if you have any questions or concerns to talk with." As you are becoming more mature more topics will come up along with new experiences. I want to be involved in your life as much as you will let me be."If something happens or you want to talk about something and feel you can't say it to me you could always write it down and I wil respond to it." I love you and know very soon you will be headed out into the world on your own. As your mom I just want to know I have prepared you as best I can."


tyfry7496
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2012 at 5:52 PM
What the others said but also don't freak out or lecture when she does open up.
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TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:22 AM

I don't know.  I didn't share anything with my really wonderful Mom about that topic.  I think she just didn't want to know, and certainly would not know how to talk to me about it. 

I'd love my daughter to tell me everything too, but realistically, it isn't going to happen.   It's just not a Mom-teen thing to talk about details.  Every now and then you will get something, so I try to cherish that.

DarlaHood
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:54 AM

The best way I know if is spending time doing something enjoyable and truly loving her company, and taking the opportunity to share things that you went through at her age, and then shutting up and listening.  She may not always spill alot, but she will talk some, and then don't freak out or over-react.  Listen, remember that she really does not want your advice unless she asks for it.  I would ask my dd's, do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?  A lot of times they would tell me, I just want you to listen.  Then they would come later for advice if I was open. 

And just get used to the idea that sexual topics may be a bit awkward, but let her know that despite the awkward feelings, it is too important to have the conversation.  Educate her about birth control, relationships, risks, and experiences.  And do it every time something in life puts the topic in front of you.  See something on tv, in front of the high school, in a movie, in one of her friends, take the opportunity to explain and teach in a kind and level-headed way.  If you are willing to get through the awkwardness, she will be more likely to get through it too.

sabrtooth1
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:00 AM
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This wouldn't be an issue if you & your dd had an open and talkative relationship to begin with.  My dds & I talked about everything, from the time they could talk, and I had no problem getting them to discuss their relationships with me.

That said, I don't think it's too late to try and build that sort of closeness.  Since you've already caught her & bf with their clothes off, now is the time to start.  If it feels too artificial just sitting her down, take her out to lunch, or out shopping, and start by asking what she sees in this boy.  Ask what she thinks he would do if she got pregnant.  If she got a STD.  Ask her what her girlfriends do with their bfs.  Ask if her gfs use condoms.  Ask if she thinks her gfs are making smart decisions.  Ask what she wants to do with her life.  Does she just want some boy to take care of her, or does she want a career?  Ask how she would go forward with her career plans if she had a child.  PRYING a little, is the  only way to get her talking.  Of course, YOU have to STOP acting embarrassed yourself, and start asking a LOT more questions.

DesignerMom1326
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:28 AM

Thank you everyone. 

Yes I am hoping to be able to get to a point where we she can become truly comfortable to discuss things with me- In particular about her relationship. As I am sure she thinks that she knows it all- as we all did during that age. 

JanetR74
by Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 8:20 AM

 And don't be afraid to share some of your experiences with her, both the good and the bad.

Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 9:58 AM
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While I htink it's great to have an open relationship with your kids, as they get older (certainly by 17) more and more of their private life will remain, well, private.  Make sure she is educated about sex, birth control, options, STD's (actually, all of that should have been ongoing for many years now).  Make sure you don't (at this point) make value judgements about her or her boyfriend.  She's less than a year from being an adult - she needs to have the tools to BE an adult.

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