Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How can you encourage your teen daughter to open to you about her relationship with a boy?

I know that everyone who has teens have a hard enough time keeping the communication line open - But it seems having them open to you about what they do with their BF is even difficult to achieve. Or at least for me.

My 17 yo daughter just got a BF about 2 months ago - She does share tidbits of what happened in school- etc. But nothing too personal. I think she is embarrassed to tell me about it.

I want her to feel free in sharing those personal things with me- partially because I feel that it is better that I am well aware of where she is at in the relationship, what she's thinking, what her plans are. Is that impeding on her privacy? I dont think so as she is our child - it is my job after all.

Wanted to know what you do to encourage your DD to open up more and feel comfortable doing so. Whenever I talk to her about sex or her relationship she looks as if she is squirming slowly of embarrassment- And I don't want her to feel this way- I think I am more open to this that my own mother EVER was when I was her age. I want it to be that if she has any doubts, she can feel that she can ask me and tell anything.

by on Nov. 23, 2012 at 12:23 PM
Replies (11-20):
by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 11:59 AM
1 mom liked this

this is the best i have for you having gone through two teen girls and my now youngest one at 13... this is normal first off for them to keep info from you.. you see you haven't been invited in to the inner circle and therefore because you have not you are not entitled to the info..

however try not to take it personal it really is apart of developing and growing they do need to learn how to deal with life and probelms on their own and really can not learn if we are trying to manage things all the time is what i have learned...

 furthermore if you want to her to trust you with info then this is what worked for me is just tell them when your ready to talk to me i am here.. and leave it at that... give her some space to learn how to do things on her own because that the point of growing learning to deal with life and the issues it throws a us and when she is ready or finds something she cant do then she will come to you... 

by Kimberly on Nov. 24, 2012 at 12:05 PM

I only have sons, so I'm of no help.    You've received some great advice from the others!     I think it is important to not judge and listen.     I have found that humor and hypothetical scenarios are great tools in talking to our teens.

by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 1:58 PM

i dont have teens yet. i am dreading when my 2 sons turn into teenagers but it wasnt so long ago . I used to tell my mom everything until she shut me down. Try to maybe take her out (shopping, lunch, just to walk around your neighborhood) and ease in easy with some of your own stories. Don't ask questions but be an open book about yourself. also if she tells you a story about a friend dont be too judgemental.... treat it as though its soemthing she just told you something super private, resepct her, she may base her ability to talk to you off of your reactions to her friends or "girls she knows" stories and it will give you some insight to what she has been esposed to. Goodluck :D

by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 2:28 PM

When I was a young teenager I used to share everything with my mom.  But as I got older (say past 16) I got really tired of her using every conversation to teach me something, which usually meant critiziting me for whatever she felt I needed to learn.  As my kids started growing up I tried to find a way to do it differently.  I recognized that I tend to have the same need to teach my kids life lessons about everything.  So we made a "talking stick".  It is merely a piece of dowel about a foot long and tied with ribbons.  When one of the kids wants to talk to me about something serious, they will bring me the talking stick.  As long as they are holding it, I can't talk.  If they want my advice, they will pass the stick to me when they are done and then it's my turn.  If they just wanted to get something off their chest, or just needed to share something, they may end the conversation and leave with the talking stick without ever giving it to me.  Other times they are prctically showing it at me as they look for answers to problems they are facing.  Sometimes, they will talk it out and come up with the answers they need on their own.  Only one of my kids doesn't ever come to me, but I know he goes to his dad, so that's fine.  Now that my oldest is 21, she still comes to me with questions about eveything.  Everyonce in a while, I am a lttle freaked out when she starts asking for advice on her love life.  Since she was in high school, she has been fascinated with the whole BDSM community.  Recenly she asked me how she should go about getting involved in the scene.  My first reaction was to scream and demand that she stay away from that whole world.  Instead I took a deep breath and kept my mouth shut until she handed me the talking stick.  I will admit I just held it for a minute or two while I tried to figure out what the hell to say!  But I realize that if I don't offer sound advice, she may end up taking advice from a less safe place.  So we sat down together and helped her develop some ideas of how to safely check it out.  After the conversation, I went and threw up from the stress, but having her give me a hug and thank me for being open-minded and helping her to figure it out without being judgemental was priceless.

And I think that is the answer:  they need to be able to trust you to trust them.  I raised my kids right.  I instilled moral values and a strong sense of self-worth.  I taught them to respect themselves and others.  I also raised them to be independant and to go for what they want out of life.  Now I have to deal with the other edge of the sword.  They are independant and go for what they want out of life.  I have to trust them-which means I have to trust that I taught them what they need to know.  Now it's just a matter of accepting that they have both the right and responsibility to make choices that they feel are right for them.  I don't always like them, but I have to allow them to live their own lives.  And quite frankly, if they are going to make risky decision, I would rather that they begin when they have a safety net, not when there is no one to catch them if they fall.

So my rules they all have:

If you decide you are ready to have sex, come to me and ask me to make a doctor's appt to go on birth control (yes, I know I'm Catholic, but I'm not stupid) or help them obtain some that is reliable and make sure they know how to effectively use it. 

If they are away from the house and have been drinking, call me and I will come and pick them up and get them home safely.  Yes, I may rip your head off your shoulders tomorrow, but tonight I will just get you home-and yes, I drove a whole carpool of kids home one night to make sure that NO ONE would be out on the road.  (Can you believe one mom was upset with me because he needed to learn from his misakes, not be coddled!  Yeah does learning from his mistakes include a DUI, manslaughter or reckless homicide charge?)

by Member on Nov. 24, 2012 at 2:31 PM
This is what I do ... I'll start out saying when I was a teen blah blah blah ...

Quoting JanetR74:

 And don't be afraid to share some of your experiences with her, both the good and the bad.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Grumpy on Nov. 24, 2012 at 5:36 PM
1 mom liked this

I let my kids know, if you are too embarrassed to tell me about it, then you're not mature enough to do it.  Now I don't want details (unless a proposal or something special is in play) so it makes it alot better.

by on Nov. 24, 2012 at 8:54 PM

just listen

by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 1:03 PM

Thanks everyone for your advice. 

So far I think I have been a very easy going non -judgemental mom. I try not to tread on her space so much and completely understand she is 17 and going to be an adult soon. I am confident that we instilled the right values with her in life. BUT in light of the recent (my other post) event of my catching her and her BF half naked at my house when they thought I left- Is the part troubling me. 

Is that just the result of raging teen hormones or did I miss something I should have told her? I have already discussed safe sex, emotional relationships, boyfriends, etc. The one thing I would not have guessed was to catch her after she told me they are not yet active passed kissing?

So she isn't entirely telling me the truth?

by on Nov. 27, 2012 at 7:56 PM
I have always been very open and honest with my girls and my boys.

My 16 yr old daughter is extremely private but she is very open with me about her relationship with her boyfriend. I know they haven't had sex but she did ask to start BC to have protection if it did happen.

They have almost been together a yr and neither one has immediate plans of having sex but neither one are dumb enough to think that it can't happen in the heat of the moment.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by Silver Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 11:01 PM

I don't have this issue currently because I've had to ban DD(20) from boyfriends due to circumstances in her life. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)