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Spending the night.

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:27 PM
  • 14 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Is it being controlling or being concerned to tell your 16 yr old son whether he can spend the night at a friends house (when his mother's behaviour is alarming to you)?

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Controlling

Concerned


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Total Votes: 16

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Hi,

My 16 yr old son is good friends with a boy, Tony, who lives down the street, who is 13.  I know the family quite well, or at least I used to know the mom (Chris), I don't feel like I know her anymore because she has changed so much. The boys used to have sleepovers quite often, but during the last year, so much has happened.  The man that Chris was living with for 10 years moved out, she is now living with a new man, who we know nothing about, and Chris will not answer when I call.  Chris is a totally different person, she used to be a warm, caring mother who was quite strict, and who loved to stop and chat with me.  Now, she lets her kids do about anything, watch about anything, go about anywhere, she never stops to chat with me, she just seems totally different (and my son was down there once when she started screaming and cussing at the kids..which I know we all do from time to time, but in front of other kids....hmmmm).  Last week my 16 yr old asked to spend the night with Tony, and after talking it over with my husband we decided it was not a good idea, and we said no.  My son had a total fit!!!  He argued with us for over an hour about it, saying that we were being controlling and that at 16 he should be able to make decisions like this for himself.  We told him we were only doing it out of concern, and that like it or not we are still in charge of his well-being.  So, are we being controlling?  I'd love to hear your opinion.

by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:41 PM
I let my dd go to homes of parents I did not like. Explained to her why I didn't and expected her not to pick up bad habits. Not often, but sometime.
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Gmgej
by Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:43 PM
3 moms liked this

Tell him the boy can sleep at your house. This way you are not keeping him from his friend you are only keeping him from a questionable enviroment. If your son still protest loudly then you will be keeping him from getting into trouble I think.

TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this

You do not need to justify your decisions to a minor child.  Tell him that you aren't comfortable with it at this time.  That's enough.  He knows why. 

Erela
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:12 PM

We did offer to let Tony spend the night here, several times, but he still has bladder control issues (wets beds at night), and so I told my son that I was ok with Tony coming over, but he had to sleep in my son's room (on the floor) and my son would be responsible to clean the floor afterwards if Tony had an accident.  My son did not want to have to do this.  Was this unreasonable of me?

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:33 PM

In my opinion it is unreasonable. You basically set it up so that you said 'yes', but then told your son that he had to do something no 16year old is going to want to do. I mean if his friend can't control it, and it's medical you should at the very least help...


As for kids staying at friends houses were I didn't much care forthe parents. It happened a lot, my kids at that age new what my expectations were. They also knew that if something got uncomfortable they could call me at any time and I would come get him. With some basic rules in place it really shouldn't be an issue...besides he (I'm assuming) that they just live up the street from you...if true he could just walk home.

Quoting Erela:

We did offer to let Tony spend the night here, several times, but he still has bladder control issues (wets beds at night), and so I told my son that I was ok with Tony coming over, but he had to sleep in my son's room (on the floor) and my son would be responsible to clean the floor afterwards if Tony had an accident.  My son did not want to have to do this.  Was this unreasonable of me?


Barabell
by Barbara on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:48 PM

I agree that it was unreasonable. If Tony is 13, why wouldn't he be old enough to clean up after himself?

Plus, if Tony comes to your house, then your son is expected to act like a responsible young man, but then you don't give him the benefit of the doubt that he could be responsible at his friend's house.

Quoting Erela:

We did offer to let Tony spend the night here, several times, but he still has bladder control issues (wets beds at night), and so I told my son that I was ok with Tony coming over, but he had to sleep in my son's room (on the floor) and my son would be responsible to clean the floor afterwards if Tony had an accident.  My son did not want to have to do this.  Was this unreasonable of me?


Erela
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I understand, and thank you for your opinion, this was what I was wanting, was some other people's opinions to see whether I'm being fair.  It's just I've already delt with this issue (the boy wetting the bed)three times already, I've had to throw out one mattress, and clean up the floor by myself twice already from this kid spending the night, I figured it wasn't too much to ask to have my son pitch in for once.  I know that no teenager wants to clean up a mess like that, but neither do I.  In my opinion it teaches him that he has to be responsible for what his friends do when they are at his house (in a couple years, he'll be in his own apartment/room/etc, if he invites friends over and they make a mess who will clean up then....just my thoughts)

Erela
by on Nov. 26, 2012 at 4:08 PM

Also, as for trusting my son to do the right thing and come home if there is reason to, I sadly can not trust him totally, he lies on a regular basis to me and has been caught redhanded doing things that he knows that we do not approve of.  So, I would like to trust him, and keep trying to give him chances to, and I know it's a learning process, he's going to mess up, but it's not the messing up I have a problem with, it's the lying when he does mess up and the attempts to cover his "messes". 

Barabell
by Barbara on Nov. 26, 2012 at 4:10 PM

You shouldn't have to be dealing with that either. Again, I think it's reasonable to expect the friend to clean up. At 13, my son can use a washer and dryer. He cleans all his own clothes and his own room. I would expect him to clean up after himself if he created a mess at a friend's house.... Although it's been many, many years since he's wet the bed.

I do expect my son to set an example by stating house rules when a friend is over, but on the flip side, I want him to follow certain rules we've outlined when at a friend's house.

Quoting Erela:

I understand, and thank you for your opinion, this was what I was wanting, was some other people's opinions to see whether I'm being fair.  It's just I've already delt with this issue (the boy wetting the bed)three times already, I've had to throw out one mattress, and clean up the floor by myself twice already from this kid spending the night, I figured it wasn't too much to ask to have my son pitch in for once.  I know that no teenager wants to clean up a mess like that, but neither do I.  In my opinion it teaches him that he has to be responsible for what his friends do when they are at his house (in a couple years, he'll be in his own apartment/room/etc, if he invites friends over and they make a mess who will clean up then....just my thoughts)


Barabell
by Barbara on Nov. 26, 2012 at 4:16 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting Erela:

Also, as for trusting my son to do the right thing and come home if there is reason to, I sadly can not trust him totally, he lies on a regular basis to me and has been caught redhanded doing things that he knows that we do not approve of.  So, I would like to trust him, and keep trying to give him chances to, and I know it's a learning process, he's going to mess up, but it's not the messing up I have a problem with, it's the lying when he does mess up and the attempts to cover his "messes". 

That's different. If I didn't trust him sleeping over at friend's houses, then I would ban all overnights...not just from one friend. I wouldn't single one friend out for my son's irresponsible behavior.

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