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Be firm... be cautious... what do i do? DD closing up more and more!! HELP!

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:14 PM
  • 25 Replies

So this morning to conclude my "talks" with my DD (17 yo) after catching her halfway in the act with her bf at our home ( see my older post)... First of all, I have kept a good composure through this, I did not over react when I caught them, I spoke to her rationally and told her of my "expectations" after catching the two of them.. and we moved on, under CLOSE supervision at our home.

This morning I tried to simply chat with her while she was getting ready for school - not even in such a way that I asked about anything super personal.. i believe i just simply asked how long they have been seeing each other, and she replied " I dunno".. Uh- I'm sorry, how do you NOT KNOW?

Obviously she isnt even wanting to open - Well I guess at this point I took huge offense to this! 

Why can't she answer such simple and harmless a question... if she can't be straight with me on this what else is she not telling me?! And here I am trying to play buffer for her and her somewhat strict father, I got to the point where her dad would not usually let he even have a BF to her having him over, all because I spoke to her father rationally to give her a chance and to trust her... I am not so much trying to be a "buddy" but more so showing her that I trust her and I am trying to give her leniency where possible. 

I've been trying to call her now for over an hour - she's still waiting to get picked up at school by her dad... and she wont answer my calls or texts! I know she gets them because she always answer my texts after school when I ask how she is...

EXCUSE ME?! Am I the bad guy here? Is she purposely avoiding me??? 

Is it not my job to want to know what goes on my daughters life? Is it that unreasonable to ask that simple a question? Goodness! What if I asked more serious questions? 

When she did this this morning, I also told her... If she was can't be mature enough to discuss simple things with me, that does not make me confirdent that she can handle a relationship maturely. I mean really! If she can't openly tell me simple "how her day went" - what else is she not telling me that is more important????

This is driving me NUTS! Be firm? Don't be firm? Be direct ... don't be to judgemental... where do i place myslef so she understands I am concerned- I am her mother and this is my job! 

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:14 PM
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by Kimberly on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:42 PM

First, her not answering your calls/text is not okay (in my home, anyway).   Our rule is we( Mom & Dad) get a reply within 10 minutes or we will confiscate the phones.   We pay for them and do so because we want to be able to have contact at anytime.   We take precedent over everyone else.

Teenage girls and their love lives are tricky.   She may simply feel her b/f is 'hers'.  It is her own private relationship and she may not want to let anyone in on .....including Mom.   I wouldn't push too much about details.....just let her know you are always around, ready to listen.    

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:49 PM

I had to text my younger son to see what was up with her not responding - she STILL did not reply to me but told my son "she did not get signal" at school - WHAT?! That is just a bunch &$@&$#$!

When she wants something and texts me throught he day she gets signal just fine. I am trying to AGAIN keep calm but I am about to take that phone once I get home! I agree not responding is absolute crap! 

She is obviously avoidign speaking with me. Also I understand that certain aspects of her relationship is "private" but when she does not even share normal things like how her day went at school with him - and I don't mean the details.. simple stuff like we ate pizza for lunch- Is that really that private to share? 

I just want to know she's doing okay... this realtionship is doing okay... and I have nothing to worry about. I hate to be the mom that is the last to know her DD is in a horrid relationship with her bf becasue she didn't ask...

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:50 PM
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I agree with the above, let her know you are there.  If she doesn't open up all the way, she should come around if you keep your cool about the relationship.

As for blowing off your calls, no way.  I would make sure to have her text you right after school and even in between classes just to get your point across.  If that doesn't work, get tougher.  Hugs and hang in there.

by Susie on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:01 PM
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You pay the phone, she answers you or no phone at all.
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by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:17 PM
I think you have over thought the process... Me I back off not to give in I just stop reacting altogether... Let the some what "strict dad" know about the bf/dd don't let him over anymore if their doing this in your home.. and just don't take anything to personal.... also no she is not mature enough to carry this type if conversation with she is 17 and her frontal lobe is not fully functional so she is really incapable of conduction her self adult like do to not being filling grown not just in body but in brain!! Yeah this age sorta sucks I am on my third 17 year old now:/ have three more to go too.. yikes girls are way hard!!
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:27 PM

I agree with everyone's input about the phone. If she doesn't answer it then she doesn't get one. Period. And lying about not getting a signal at school is also repremandable as a seperate thing. As far as the relationship goes - I dont know how your initial talk with her went after you cought them, but did you explain in detail that she is only able to even have this relationship not to mention having him over at all, because you spoke up on her behelf and that disrespecting her priviledge is the same as disrespecting you? I'm sure part of this might have to do with embarrassment about being cought in the first place. Teenagers have a glorious mess in front of them when it comes to all these firsts and they clam up tightly and tend not to share too much unless they're made to feel unconditionally comfortable. I know for a fact it's going to take more than a few attempts by you in different ways before she gets there even if she does. Punish the obvious stuff - remind her where her respect should remain and be gentle with the rest. More than anything, don't take her silence personally. I'd like to think that's what I would do. *look at me giving advice I can't take!*

by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:36 PM


I spoke to her about the phone- told her this is my LAST warning that the next time I d not get an answer from texts or call backs- there will be no phone to worry about because she will not have one.

As for the rest- I agree... teens are really contradicting. They want to be treated like adults and when you give them a chance to act like adults they don't/can't do it.. Bottom line is WE still have to be there guiding them but - regardless of what they do/say - IF only they could understand why.

It's been harder and harder to get her to open up- and as much as I do try and let it slide so I don't seem pestering, I cannot help but wonder when is it do you impose to know whats going on and when exactly do you back off? That to me seems to be a faded line that maybe I am forgetting ... Though I was 17 too at one point my mom brains has totally erased it and well... I have become my mother ! 

by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:25 AM

Of COURSE she knows how long she's been seeing the bf.  She's ditching your questions.  

The relationship you have with your dd has been in the works for a long time.  Realize that she understands PERFECTLY WELL why you want more info, but she does not want to give it to you.  She's happy with your "leniency" because she gets away with murder.  She has learned that if she avoids you long enough, or acts squimish, you won't press for answers.  Unless you start to push her, I doubt that she ever open up to you.  Only YOU can tell what kind of kid she is, based on how she has acted in the past.  If you leave her alone, does she USUALLY come to you with the whole story?  Or do things just fade away?  Lying to her father shows that she's been raised to avoid conflict.  She probably feels the same way about you, and feels no qualms about lying to YOU to avoid conflict.  That is what she has learned.

by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 1:16 AM
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My kids tell me everything!! My 18 yr old son came to me, when his gf and him were thinking about getting physical, I talked with him and what his feelings are about that!! How he feels about her and if she was worth waiting for? They have been together 2years and have plans on getting married after boot camp this summer!! But I also showed him how to use a condom just incase they decide too!! They both came to me and said that they want to wait!!
I have never had to turn off his phone or nothing, but I did his 17 year old sister when I called her 2 times waited 20 minutes and blocked her phone where I was the only one she could call or text!! She called me 5 minutes later!!
I love att smart limits!!
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by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 6:20 AM

Quoting atlmom2:

You pay the phone, she answers you or no phone at all.

I like this one!

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