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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Be firm... be cautious... what do i do? DD closing up more and more!! HELP!

So this morning to conclude my "talks" with my DD (17 yo) after catching her halfway in the act with her bf at our home ( see my older post)... First of all, I have kept a good composure through this, I did not over react when I caught them, I spoke to her rationally and told her of my "expectations" after catching the two of them.. and we moved on, under CLOSE supervision at our home.

This morning I tried to simply chat with her while she was getting ready for school - not even in such a way that I asked about anything super personal.. i believe i just simply asked how long they have been seeing each other, and she replied " I dunno".. Uh- I'm sorry, how do you NOT KNOW?

Obviously she isnt even wanting to open - Well I guess at this point I took huge offense to this! 

Why can't she answer such simple and harmless a question... if she can't be straight with me on this what else is she not telling me?! And here I am trying to play buffer for her and her somewhat strict father, I got to the point where her dad would not usually let he even have a BF to her having him over, all because I spoke to her father rationally to give her a chance and to trust her... I am not so much trying to be a "buddy" but more so showing her that I trust her and I am trying to give her leniency where possible. 

I've been trying to call her now for over an hour - she's still waiting to get picked up at school by her dad... and she wont answer my calls or texts! I know she gets them because she always answer my texts after school when I ask how she is...

EXCUSE ME?! Am I the bad guy here? Is she purposely avoiding me??? 

Is it not my job to want to know what goes on my daughters life? Is it that unreasonable to ask that simple a question? Goodness! What if I asked more serious questions? 

When she did this this morning, I also told her... If she was can't be mature enough to discuss simple things with me, that does not make me confirdent that she can handle a relationship maturely. I mean really! If she can't openly tell me simple "how her day went" - what else is she not telling me that is more important????

This is driving me NUTS! Be firm? Don't be firm? Be direct ... don't be to judgemental... where do i place myslef so she understands I am concerned- I am her mother and this is my job! 


by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:14 PM
Replies (11-20):
Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this

I think I am in a similar situation as you, but I view it differently.  My daughter, also 17, will be moving to school in about 9 months, and will have no real adult supervision.  A few months ago I encouraged her to date more so she practice those skills while there was still a clear expectation that she would be home at the end of the evening.  

I think I have already given my daughter the tools to handle this new relationship.  I have taught her to have self respect, how to set boundaries, that the decisions she makes has consequences so she needs to choose wisely.  I also take some comfort that she has been on birth control for years because of her periods,  although that is not an immediate concern.  I have to trust her, and I have told her that.

I also consider her relationships her business, and she has the right to her privacy.  If  she wants to talk to me about it, I am here to listen.  I do not ask her any questions.  She needs to figure this out on her own, and decide how she really feels about "him" and "them".  She has chosen to be more open about it than I expected.

gonecrazi
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:01 AM

 I would tell her she could talk to you about anything and you won't freak out. Tell her you are concerned and a little worried. Be honest with her.

annie2244
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:54 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with Carmel. She's very close to an adult. If you pay the bill, she needs to answer the phone, BUT you and she need to figure out how much insight into her personal life she owes you as a very nearly adult, and what she finds unpleasant about talking to you. You are renegotiating your relationship, which is healthy, and you'll need to do this a few more times in the next 5 yrs. If you don't, she will soon find it loads easier to just avoid you, as she lives away, if she finds you difficult, unpleasant, controlling and/or nosy. It's a negotiated fine line.

Wyndi
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 11:05 AM

 

So this morning to conclude my "talks" with my DD (17 yo) after catching her halfway in the act with her bf at our home ( see my older post)... First of all, I have kept a good composure through this, I did not over react when I caught them, I spoke to her rationally and told her of my "expectations" after catching the two of them.. and we moved on, under CLOSE supervision at our home. She broke you trust and faith in her and needs to re earn them.

This morning I tried to simply chat with her while she was getting ready for school - not even in such a way that I asked about anything super personal.. i believe i just simply asked how long they have been seeing each other, and she replied " I dunno".. Uh- I'm sorry, how do you NOT KNOW? She knows, but does not want to tell you because its either been a short time or they were seeing each other before she was allowed to date.

Obviously she isnt even wanting to open - Well I guess at this point I took huge offense to this!

Why can't she answer such simple and harmless a question... if she can't be straight with me on this what else is she not telling me?! Sounds like you need to sit down as a family and get to the bottom of this. And here I am trying to play buffer for her and her somewhat strict father Stop this will cause problems in your marriage. , I got to the point where her dad would not usually let he even have a BF to her having him over, all because I spoke to her father rationally to give her a chance and to trust her... I am not so much trying to be a "buddy" but more so showing her that I trust her and I am trying to give her leniency where possible. She needs to re earn that trust. Until then be strict and if you can't then let Dad.

I've been trying to call her now for over an hour - she's still waiting to get picked up at school by her dad... and she wont answer my calls or texts! I know she gets them because she always answer my texts after school when I ask how she is... Who pays the phone bill? If you do and she's not answering, then she does not have a phone ~Period!!! Let her know the rules get broke she faces the consequences.

EXCUSE ME?! Am I the bad guy here? Is she purposely avoiding me??? Yes she is and she needs to act like a grown up if she wants to be treated like one.

Is it not my job to want to know what goes on my daughters life? Is it that unreasonable to ask that simple a question? Goodness! What if I asked more serious questions? Ask them and keep asking but you may not like the answers. Be prepared to take her for BC and make sure she's not pregnant or have an STD.

 

When she did this this morning, I also told her... If she was can't be mature enough to discuss simple things with me, that does not make me confirdent that she can handle a relationship maturely. I mean really! If she can't openly tell me simple "how her day went" - what else is she not telling me that is more important????

This is driving me NUTS! Be firm? Don't be firm? Be direct ... don't be to judgemental... where do i place myslef so she understands I am concerned- I am her mother and this is my job! Stop trying to be friend and be MOM. That means putting your foot down and being tough. No boys in the house, no girlfriends in the house, no going anywhere except school without a parent.

 

I'm not trying to judge you, but share what I learned when I went through this with my son. Its hard but we have do be tough to get our kids to adulthood in a safe manner.

 

chattycassie
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 11:39 AM

 Give her a few days. SHe was probably embarassed by her bad descision if not her mom seeing her in that way. Keep talking to her about small things it will get better. BEst of luck

DesignerMom1326
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:02 PM

In response to a few posts - I am finding myself stuck in the middle lately. And I get it, maybe I am more so being a friend than MOM.. However, I am trying to keep a good balance between the two. I grew up with a mother whom I could not share anything with plainly because she was never an open woman, and dodged every aspect of my teen years. I guess to her the least she knew the better. Oh she was strict about rules just did not sit me down and left me to myself  to figure things out. 

Having my own children now, I see the importance of also being their friend that they can confide in without being judged. I also see the point that I need to be strong on rules around the kids. But how do kids perceive you if you are neither one or the other? If one day you are their friend the next you are flipping out mad about something they did? 

I guess this is so new to me that I am feeling stuck and don't know where to go. I know the rules have been broken, I sat her down spoke to her about it - got mad about the dodging the phone thing (which she still by the way swears she had no signal at school - right!) I do everything I can to guide, instruct, and also repremand her when needed. 

And yes- after catching my DD and her BF in the act, I know for a fact they are embarassed- especially the BF as he can hardly look me in the eye now. But my DD seems to act normal. She just avoids intimate questions, maybe fear of the conversation straying into what happened the day I caught them. 

As a mother, who is willingly being open and subjective with her DD, I am highly confuse WHY she isn't willing to embrace this from me? So many teens wish they could have parents whom they are able to talk to  becasue so many parent don't. Now I see why the TEEN YEARS are the hardest to deal with ...

Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Wyndi:

 

So this morning to conclude my "talks" with my DD (17 yo) after catching her halfway in the act with her bf at our home ( see my older post)... First of all, I have kept a good composure through this, I did not over react when I caught them, I spoke to her rationally and told her of my "expectations" after catching the two of them.. and we moved on, under CLOSE supervision at our home. She broke you trust and faith in her and needs to re earn them.

This morning I tried to simply chat with her while she was getting ready for school - not even in such a way that I asked about anything super personal.. i believe i just simply asked how long they have been seeing each other, and she replied " I dunno".. Uh- I'm sorry, how do you NOT KNOW? She knows, but does not want to tell you because its either been a short time or they were seeing each other before she was allowed to date.

Obviously she isnt even wanting to open - Well I guess at this point I took huge offense to this!

Why can't she answer such simple and harmless a question... if she can't be straight with me on this what else is she not telling me?! Sounds like you need to sit down as a family and get to the bottom of this. And here I am trying to play buffer for her and her somewhat strict father Stop this will cause problems in your marriage. , I got to the point where her dad would not usually let he even have a BF to her having him over, all because I spoke to her father rationally to give her a chance and to trust her... I am not so much trying to be a "buddy" but more so showing her that I trust her and I am trying to give her leniency where possible. She needs to re earn that trust. Until then be strict and if you can't then let Dad.

I've been trying to call her now for over an hour - she's still waiting to get picked up at school by her dad... and she wont answer my calls or texts! I know she gets them because she always answer my texts after school when I ask how she is... Who pays the phone bill? If you do and she's not answering, then she does not have a phone ~Period!!! Let her know the rules get broke she faces the consequences.

EXCUSE ME?! Am I the bad guy here? Is she purposely avoiding me??? Yes she is and she needs to act like a grown up if she wants to be treated like one.

Is it not my job to want to know what goes on my daughters life? Is it that unreasonable to ask that simple a question? Goodness! What if I asked more serious questions? Ask them and keep asking but you may not like the answers. Be prepared to take her for BC and make sure she's not pregnant or have an STD.

 

When she did this this morning, I also told her... If she was can't be mature enough to discuss simple things with me, that does not make me confirdent that she can handle a relationship maturely. I mean really! If she can't openly tell me simple "how her day went" - what else is she not telling me that is more important????

This is driving me NUTS! Be firm? Don't be firm? Be direct ... don't be to judgemental... where do i place myslef so she understands I am concerned- I am her mother and this is my job! Stop trying to be friend and be MOM. That means putting your foot down and being tough. No boys in the house, no girlfriends in the house, no going anywhere except school without a parent.

 

I'm not trying to judge you, but share what I learned when I went through this with my son. Its hard but we have do be tough to get our kids to adulthood in a safe manner.

Do you really think this is an appropriate way to treat your child that will be an adult in a few months?  I can't say that I agree with you.  I can understand having rules in the house, and it is reasonable to enforce them, but to put a 17 year old in a lockdown because she was caught getting intimate with her boyfriend is just going to drive her away.

annie2244
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 9:39 PM

When your parents put you on restrictions and tell you you screwed up for doing something, you get a little huffy and want to have a little space, yes? Seems normal to me. Even more normal when the kid is months shy of being an adult herself and presumably months shy of living on her own at college. So, a little of the stiff arm treatment isn't unexpected. Would be a little wierd if it wasn't occurring.

I'm not my teen's buddy. I'm her mom. I think she likes me, finds me competent, informed, a little overly strict, and she respects my opinion, but doesn't treat it as gospel. But she doesn't share everything with me that she would with her best gf. And she doesn't share with her best gf everything that's going on in her life.

If my kid shared with me everything I would be a little concerned. Her job is to distance a little from mom and dad, in order to be an independent self reliant separate adult person soon. It also would make it hard for me to be the disciplinarian and the independent counsel if I'm also in the role of  friend with whom she shares all.  So - in my job as mom I say 'You don't get to be in the house alone with a boy. You don't get to have a boy in your room with or without adults in the house. These are rules we as parents established, explained and you agreed to. In addition, I don't approve of sex while you're in high school. You've broken quite a few rules and I'm more than a little pissed and disapointed in you. Here are the consequences."  

The next day I can't call her on the phone thinking now I'm back to being a best buddy and she should put the previous day's mom-daughter relatively unpleasant conversation out of her mind, and dish with me about how her day went and how pissed she is that she's on restrictions due to her overly strict  mom!

I don't think it's possible to be best buddies, getting the same info her best gf gets, and be doing the disciplinarian and life counsel role.

sabrtooth1
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 12:05 AM


Quoting annie2244:

I'm not my teen's buddy. I'm her mom. I think she likes me, finds me competent, informed, a little overly strict, and she respects my opinion, but doesn't treat it as gospel. But she doesn't share everything with me ... If my kid shared with me everything I would be a little concerned. Her job is to distance a little from mom and dad, in order to be an independent self reliant separate adult person soon.

It also would make it hard for me to be the disciplinarian and the independent counsel if I'm also in the role of  friend with whom she shares all. 

I don't think it's possible to be best buddies, getting the same info her best gf gets, and be doing the disciplinarian and life counsel role.

I was never my teens' buddy; I was ALWAYS Mom, disciplinarian, independent counsel, AND they ALWAYS shared everything with me.  BECAUSE I ASKED.  And because I had asked what was going on, how they were feeling, who were they interested in, what was happening at school, on the bus, on the block--every day of their lives.  Their father asked, too.  Them telling us what was going on in their lives was as natural to them as discussing politics, religion, sex, drugs, current events, and everything else we talked about every day also. 

And I did not have to "think" they liked us--I KNEW.  We never worried that our questions --or our rules-- would drive them away.  We had tough times.  We got mad at each other.  They gave us grey hair.  But we always forgave each other before we went to bed, and said "I love you".  They grew up to be perfectly independent, self reliant, and seperate adults who STILL talk to us about everything, visit us (and each other) at least weekly, and love us as much as we love them.  This was the same relationship Dh & I had with our parents, and that they had with their grandkids.


Wyndi
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:08 AM

 

Quoting Carmel63:

 

Quoting Wyndi:

 

So this morning to conclude my "talks" with my DD (17 yo) after catching her halfway in the act with her bf at our home ( see my older post)... First of all, I have kept a good composure through this, I did not over react when I caught them, I spoke to her rationally and told her of my "expectations" after catching the two of them.. and we moved on, under CLOSE supervision at our home. She broke you trust and faith in her and needs to re earn them.

This morning I tried to simply chat with her while she was getting ready for school - not even in such a way that I asked about anything super personal.. i believe i just simply asked how long they have been seeing each other, and she replied " I dunno".. Uh- I'm sorry, how do you NOT KNOW? She knows, but does not want to tell you because its either been a short time or they were seeing each other before she was allowed to date.

Obviously she isnt even wanting to open - Well I guess at this point I took huge offense to this!

Why can't she answer such simple and harmless a question... if she can't be straight with me on this what else is she not telling me?! Sounds like you need to sit down as a family and get to the bottom of this. And here I am trying to play buffer for her and her somewhat strict father Stop this will cause problems in your marriage. , I got to the point where her dad would not usually let he even have a BF to her having him over, all because I spoke to her father rationally to give her a chance and to trust her... I am not so much trying to be a "buddy" but more so showing her that I trust her and I am trying to give her leniency where possible. She needs to re earn that trust. Until then be strict and if you can't then let Dad.

I've been trying to call her now for over an hour - she's still waiting to get picked up at school by her dad... and she wont answer my calls or texts! I know she gets them because she always answer my texts after school when I ask how she is... Who pays the phone bill? If you do and she's not answering, then she does not have a phone ~Period!!! Let her know the rules get broke she faces the consequences.

EXCUSE ME?! Am I the bad guy here? Is she purposely avoiding me??? Yes she is and she needs to act like a grown up if she wants to be treated like one.

Is it not my job to want to know what goes on my daughters life? Is it that unreasonable to ask that simple a question? Goodness! What if I asked more serious questions? Ask them and keep asking but you may not like the answers. Be prepared to take her for BC and make sure she's not pregnant or have an STD.

 

When she did this this morning, I also told her... If she was can't be mature enough to discuss simple things with me, that does not make me confirdent that she can handle a relationship maturely. I mean really! If she can't openly tell me simple "how her day went" - what else is she not telling me that is more important????

This is driving me NUTS! Be firm? Don't be firm? Be direct ... don't be to judgemental... where do i place myslef so she understands I am concerned- I am her mother and this is my job! Stop trying to be friend and be MOM. That means putting your foot down and being tough. No boys in the house, no girlfriends in the house, no going anywhere except school without a parent.

 

I'm not trying to judge you, but share what I learned when I went through this with my son. Its hard but we have do be tough to get our kids to adulthood in a safe manner.

Do you really think this is an appropriate way to treat your child that will be an adult in a few months?  I can't say that I agree with you.  I can understand having rules in the house, and it is reasonable to enforce them, but to put a 17 year old in a lockdown because she was caught getting intimate with her boyfriend is just going to drive her away.

 mine are 18 and 20. They know its our house rules or feel free to move out and make it on your own. So yes, I would put my 17 on lock down as you put it for violating the house rules, lying and having sex in my house. The day they turn 18, some rules changed but not all of them.

I am not thier friend but their mother and they can respect our house rules and have a free ride while in school or they can get a full time job and figure out how to survive on minimum wage.

 

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