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I've "let go" of my 17 yo daughter...Have I done the right thing?

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:03 PM
  • 23 Replies

I recently just had about enough of my 17 yo dd and "let her go." Since about 15, she's been doing drugs, staying gone for days at a time, sleeping around, skipping school, and coming home only when she needs something (like a good sleep or meal). She shows me absolutely no respect, love, gratitude, consideration of my or her sister's feelings. I've gotten her into counseling, which lasted about 6 months, drug diversion programs at school, which she manages to clean up just long enough to graduate from the program. I've been humiliated in public by her when I went to pick her up for the local teenage hangout spot by her calling me a fucking bitch and a whore, stalker, etc. She steals from me (I tried to press charges to teach her a lesson but the judge dropped it; I was told I needed to take parenting classes and take control) I stopped reporting her as a runaway, because the police do nothing. I've taken days off from work to attend school with her to make sure she goes...ha that was a joke in itself. I am so afraid someday I will get a call from the police that they found her raped, overdosed, or dead...I just have to let go. It's causing stress, health problems, jeopardized my job, pain, and endless sleepless nights. The last conversation with her I said

"I love you, but I don't like you. I have decided not to let you walk all over me any more. I will no longer support you while you are making these decisions that can hurt you. The door will be open if you ever want to clean up your act, but the wallet is closed. I can no longer take your abuse. I love you"

It about killed me. Have I done the right thing? Obviously I have been enabling her to my and my family's expense. Has anyone ever tried this?

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:03 PM
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by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:10 PM
Sounds like me as a teen. You did the right thing and someday she will realize it...just like one day I realized how terrible id been to my mom and now we are friends =)
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by Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:21 PM

I'm really sorry that you are going through this and obviously hurting from it.  As much as you love your daughter, I think there comes a time when parents have to say enough is enough if the child continues to engage in extremely risky behaviour, stealing etc. after continued attempts to help them.  As long as she knows that she can always come home (but she has to live with your rules) and that you love her, she might have to learn a hard lesson.  I wish you and your daughter all the best and hopefully she realizes that life is not a good one. 

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:23 PM

yes, mine didn't have drug or alcohol issue's though. It was 2-3 weeks for her to wisen up...

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:30 PM

Been there, done that.  My younger dd was that way.  She finally just up and left at 15.  She started sleeping under bridges and anywhere she could find a place to flop.  She was looking for a rise factor that I refused to give her.  Yes, I had many, many sleepless nights worried sick over what might be happneing to her.  But, I certainly wasn't going to raise hell about it.  She wanted that so she could work her way back in.  I had 3 other kids to worry about.  I couldn't let her continue to cause conflict and turmoil in the household, tearing the family apart, piece by piece.  The other kids (plus me) were paying the price.  BTW, we were in St. Paul, MN at the time.  She picked some really shady places in Minneapolis to pull her stunts.

There comes a point when you have to realize you've done all you can.  It's a very difficult situation.  And, it's hard to go through.  But, when it starts killing you, you have to let go.  In my case, it was literaly killing me.  I was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 8:29 PM

 I can't say as I haven't been there but I would have tried the parenting classes to say I had done all I could.   

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:11 PM
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You did the right thing. My only advice would be that in order to protect yourself legally, you should probably keep reporting her as a runaway until she's 18. I know in my state a parent can get in trouble if their child does something wrong like skipping school, etc. and they haven't been reported as a runaway. *hugs* I was pretty wild myself, and I never learned to behave myself until my mom stopped bailing me out and giving me money. I always knew I could go home and eat or move back in if I wanted to follow her rules. I did eventually come around. I pray that your DD does too.
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by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:19 PM

Sounds almost like my now 18yo. The judge told her that when she turned 17, they wouldn't even call me when the cops arrested her.  As long as your dd knows you wiill rescue her, she will keep going.

My alcoholic xdh told me that until a person hits their own bottom they aren't going to change. I hope your dd hits bottom TODAY!!

BTW, my dd is starting college in January. yay...!!!

by Susie on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:21 PM
You did the right thing
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by Kimberly on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:26 PM

I think you did the right thing.    If she insists on making her own bad choices, she can support herself while doing them.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:49 PM
You did the right thing but contact an attorney to make sure YOU won't be held responsible for her poor choices until she turns 18.
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