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Pregnant Teen- need advice

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My daughter is 17. (She will be 18 in 2 months)I found out this past week she is 22 weeks pregnant.Needless to say I was shocked, hurt , very angry...I had her on the pill ( i bought them every month for her), I never let her go out on dates ,parties ,etc,etc,.She had a boyfriend who she would see only at school and supervised visits,but they still found a way. She thinks she is in love. The boy has broke up with her ,cheated on her and now wants to be there for her and raise the baby and of course she thinks they can make it work.Neither one of them work. What a joke. She still has 1/2 year left of school. He has two years left. I dont know what to do.Anyone else been in this situation before? Any helpful words of wisdom?

by on Dec. 18, 2012 at 8:44 PM
Replies (11-20):
mrsjonzy
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 2:55 PM
2 moms liked this

Teenagers are DUMB. Every single one of them. You didn't fail, she did. You sound like you did everything right. Have her go to counseling with the boyfriend. Maybe having the counselor ask him questions an getting his answers will flip a switch in her brain. 

Quoting stephanie546:

Thank you all for the advice. I have took her to the doctor. She has her vitamins, bloodwork,ultrasound done. I have been to the school and set up the home study so that she is still able to graduate this june. I have told her the options.She and the baby can live with us(if she chooses).The boyfriend cannot. (I have 2 other children(5,9) in the house) .If she chooses adoption , I would support her 100%, but the boyfriend is telling her otherwise.She has been studying nursing in High School and already has her CNA,but it looks like college has to be put on hold...I just feel like I failed. I am trying to make her see how tough its going to be but its like she has stars in her eyes.She doesn't get it.


crheinheimer
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 4:08 PM
2 moms liked this
Quoting stephanie546:

Thank you all for the advice. I have took her to the doctor. She has her vitamins, bloodwork,ultrasound done. I have been to the school and set up the home study so that she is still able to graduate this june. I have told her the options.She and the baby can live with us(if she chooses).The boyfriend cannot. (I have 2 other children(5,9) in the house) .If she chooses adoption , I would support her 100%, but the boyfriend is telling her otherwise.She has been studying nursing in High School and already has her CNA,but it looks like college has to be put on hold...I just feel like I failed. I am trying to make her see how tough its going to be but its like she has stars in her eyes.She doesn't get it.



You can't blame yourself or feel like you failed. You had her on birth control and set strict limits from the sounds of things. My parents were extremely strict and although birth control was never mentioned I was taught that premarital sex was wrong. I knew right from wrong and still got pregnant right out of high school. I have a 17 yo who is currently on the pill and if I allow her boyfriend over I follow them everywhere. However, the other mom was not as strict and they managed to have sex once. I can imagine what you're going through. It's a huge fear of mine! The best we can do is exactly what you have done. We can't force them to make wise decisions or be with them 24/7. I hate that but it's the truth. I'm sorry you're going though this! It's huge and life changing but when you consider other things that could happen this isn't the end of the world. (I'd probably feel like it was for awhile). Good luck to you and to her!
drfink
by Emily on Dec. 19, 2012 at 6:26 PM

Thank you for your sweet considerate answer or your "running commentary" ; )

Sometimes those are the best answers .I will pm you much later or tomorrow.Going to a party soon and I always cry right now about this ...don't want swollen eyes and a drippy nose LOL

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Also not everyone wonders why? Thinking about it, I never did, however I was fortunate in that even though it was the early 70s 1972, my adoption was pretty out in the open. My parents knew my birth mother's family, my Dad had grown up with her father in the same neighborhood and church and then they worked together. Even though the adoption was tech closed, my Mom sent pictures to the birth mom and her family my entire life. I also grew up knowing I was adopted as my birth mom was 15 when she had me and my birth father was 16. I was always told when I turned 18, if I wanted to meet her I could. I wasn't sure and at age 20 she contacted me. I happened to be married and pregnant with my oldest at the time. Things went well when we met, but we took things slow. Thankfully she never made me feel torn between she and my parents or vise versa. Gradually we became much closer and I would say we have more of an Aunt/Niece relationship but that took oh about 5 years or so. My own mom is now in the mid to late stages of Alzheimer's and its heartbreaking. I'm so grateful to have Laurie my bio mom in my life. Lol, I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this running commentary, just thought I would share. It def has not been all smooth and easy. We both had to wrap our head around things. (Me esp I have a lot of guilt that Laurie has been able to have a close relationship with my dd and my sweet mom has missed so much being ill) to the point I've shut Laurie out and been bitchy not even realizing it? So yes, it's been a tough difficult road at times, but one I would still highly reccomend and am thankful for evey night when I lay my head on the pillow. Also I didn't know about the adoption laws, so I apologize if I misspoke or came off as insensitive. Xo

Quoting drfink:


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

 ADOPTION.....they both don't sound anywhere near ready to be parents...it's the most selfless, loving giving thing you can encourage her to do as a mother and the Grandmother of this child. There are some wonderful adoption agencies out there, she can even pick the parents and have an open adoption/relationship with the baby...sounds like the only option that is 100% in favor of what's in the babies best interest.

I'm sorry but as a birthmother I couldn't disagree with you more.My oldest is 35 ,loves his parents very much but has wondered all his life why.One of the first things he wrote was he knew I must have loved him and had good reason but since there were no drugs etc involved WHY.

Also you may not be aware but currently in the U.S. no open adoption agreement is legally enforceable.Agencies and lawyers have a way of phrasing open adoption answers and questions without saying the legal truth.



bizzeemom2717
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 7:02 PM

 

Quoting drfink:

Thank you for your sweet considerate answer or your "running commentary" ; )

Sometimes those are the best answers .I will pm you much later or tomorrow.Going to a party soon and I always cry right now about this ...don't want swollen eyes and a drippy nose LOL

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Also not everyone wonders why? Thinking about it, I never did, however I was fortunate in that even though it was the early 70s 1972, my adoption was pretty out in the open. My parents knew my birth mother's family, my Dad had grown up with her father in the same neighborhood and church and then they worked together. Even though the adoption was tech closed, my Mom sent pictures to the birth mom and her family my entire life. I also grew up knowing I was adopted as my birth mom was 15 when she had me and my birth father was 16. I was always told when I turned 18, if I wanted to meet her I could. I wasn't sure and at age 20 she contacted me. I happened to be married and pregnant with my oldest at the time. Things went well when we met, but we took things slow. Thankfully she never made me feel torn between she and my parents or vise versa. Gradually we became much closer and I would say we have more of an Aunt/Niece relationship but that took oh about 5 years or so. My own mom is now in the mid to late stages of Alzheimer's and its heartbreaking. I'm so grateful to have Laurie my bio mom in my life. Lol, I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this running commentary, just thought I would share. It def has not been all smooth and easy. We both had to wrap our head around things. (Me esp I have a lot of guilt that Laurie has been able to have a close relationship with my dd and my sweet mom has missed so much being ill) to the point I've shut Laurie out and been bitchy not even realizing it? So yes, it's been a tough difficult road at times, but one I would still highly reccomend and am thankful for evey night when I lay my head on the pillow. Also I didn't know about the adoption laws, so I apologize if I misspoke or came off as insensitive. Xo

Quoting drfink:


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

 ADOPTION.....they both don't sound anywhere near ready to be parents...it's the most selfless, loving giving thing you can encourage her to do as a mother and the Grandmother of this child. There are some wonderful adoption agencies out there, she can even pick the parents and have an open adoption/relationship with the baby...sounds like the only option that is 100% in favor of what's in the babies best interest.

I'm sorry but as a birthmother I couldn't disagree with you more.My oldest is 35 ,loves his parents very much but has wondered all his life why.One of the first things he wrote was he knew I must have loved him and had good reason but since there were no drugs etc involved WHY.

Also you may not be aware but currently in the U.S. no open adoption agreement is legally enforceable.Agencies and lawyers have a way of phrasing open adoption answers and questions without saying the legal truth.

 


 Oh no, oh no...so sorry! Yikes, (((HUGS))) Have fun tonight XO

ldeuling
by on Dec. 19, 2012 at 7:54 PM
1 mom liked this

Ya, "stay in school, finish your education...do not quit school and think you can have a good job and enough money to raise this baby"...I would personally take care of the baby myself in order for my child to get an education.  Even college.

mattsmom14
by Member on Dec. 20, 2012 at 11:02 AM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting lucky2Be

 I haven't been there. What you need to do is be there for her. This is when we parents step up and show our kids just what unconditional love is ! I would talk to him about finding a job. Do his parents know? What is there take on it. Get her to a dr. Talk to her about what is going to happen.Explain that she should be looking for a PT job now. No reason she can't work until the baby comes. Are you willing to let her and the baby live with you ? You need to decide just how much you can and are will to help.You need to get over the hurt, anger and disappointment. Babies are a Blessing no matter how they arrive into our lives. I wish you the best momma.

  I have been there with my step-daughter and while I agree that it will be best for all involved if she finishes high-school I disagree with just about eveything else you said. I think it is a lovely idea, and don't fault you for your intentions but I I can tell you reality is a bitch. Rather than go into a big long story about our experience let me just give some counter points.

#1. Our job as parents is also to teach them to be responsible for their choices and their decisions. They chose to be irresponsible with the birthcontrol that WE provided for them, they should be responsible for dealing with the fallout. First hard lesson in life, you make your bed, you lie in it.

#2. Teenagers who are pregnant have a very hard time finding a job. So do 15 year old Fathers. So, they cannot provide financially for the child.

#3. It is incredibly appropriate to feel hurt, anger and disappointment. My husband and I did not want to raise another baby. we are still in the process of raising the ones that we CHOSE to have. (including the one that is pregnant.) We do not feel the need to apologise for not wanting to take on the financial and emotional responsibility of another one. Not every parent is wrong for feeling this way. BECAUSE.......

#4. Babies are not always a blessing. They are a huge, lifetime, emotional and financial burden. They CAN be a blessing, I agree. They can also be what kills the future of the child that you love so much, the same one you had hopes and dreams for and the same one that is now going to give birth to the grandchild that you know you will love and care about. So now you have 2 people that you will have to watch struggle and live difficult lives. Your child and your grandchild.

Our grandson is now 3. His parents are no longer together (even though they were "in love" and were "going to handle it" ) and they both continue to make bad choices and act like the teenagers that they still are. Just because two teenagers have babies, does not mean they will all of a sudden become mature responsible adults. That is reality. And to the mom that originally posted "pregnant Teen-need advice", I offer my sympathies. It is a very difficult and stressful thing for the whole family. Maybe we should start a support group for "reluctant grandparents". lol.

Quoting
stephanie546
by New Member on Dec. 21, 2012 at 7:50 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you mattsmom. That is exactly what I was thinking.reality is a bitch. The reluctant grandparents group definitely sounds like a
good idea....lol...
mattsmom14
by Member on Dec. 21, 2012 at 4:16 PM


Quoting stephanie546:

Thank you mattsmom. That is exactly what I was thinking.reality is a bitch. The reluctant grandparents group definitely sounds like a
good idea....lol...


I'm glad you agree. ; )

I have some baggage with the whole issue(could you tell?!) lol. That poor nice lady I ranted against is coming from a lovely place but it is just not reality . My step-daughters biological mom used those same words "babies are a blessing from god" to deny the reality of the situation and to defend herself against our anger. She would never admit  that this situation was a big freaking deal. Long story short she ended up kicking her daughter and our grandson out after about a year and a half because she couldn't handle the stress and financial hardship. To this day she won't admit we had a right to be angry or disappointed when we found out about the pregnancy . Anyway, I digress again.

It sounds to me like you are doing as good as can be expected. You are supporting your daughter but still having boundaries. It's really hard to manage this whole situation because you are making huge sacrifices and decisions and the person you are doing this for still has a teenagers attitude and really cannot appreciate it.  My only words of wisdom are just keep doing what it seems like you already are; Support her because you love her but don't become a doormat. Those two kids made this happen, they should bear the weight of the responsibility.

 If I see that other support group, I will let you know. : )  ..... Gina

Teletubby836
by on Dec. 21, 2012 at 8:13 PM

My story begins at the beginning of 1981. My brother a then Sr in high school tells us his girlfriend is pregnant. She was a Jr in high school from a very nice Christian family that had lost their father years before. Her mom got monies for her and she told them if they waited until the girlfriend finished school to marry that she'd help them out with the money that her Dad left. Otherwise they would have married and she'd have never gotten that all important education. My beautiful niece was born Sept. 25, 1981. There was never any ?? if we were going to be a part of that baby's life. We could go get my neice anytime WE wanted (which they didn't have to do at all). She still had a year of high school left we ALL on both sides pitched in and helped take care of the baby and she was able to finish school. They married in Dec of 1982 when my niece was a little over a year old. It wouldn't have been so easy IF she didn't allow us to be a part of that baby's life and they KNEW this. So yes with a LOT of work of all involved it CAN work out. It's not a nice situation to be in but when you are there you make the best of it like my brother and his now wife did way back then. Your daughter needs you now more than ever. No need to tell her she has screwed up she most likely knows that and doesn't need to hear it. Baby's are a blessing and this is your grandchild!! No matter what the boy and his family decide to do that baby will now and forever be a part of your life. Things such as these have a way of working out! I hope her outcome is as good as my brother's was. 

Nena70
by on Dec. 22, 2012 at 1:02 AM

Good luck to you.   Its not your fault.  She had choices and she was over taken by those hormones and feelings . 

Can you find other teen moms who can tell her about what to expect , and spend time with .

My friends sister did that and by 18 had 2 kids.  They all turned out ok. She eventually became a dental assistant . Family support makes all the difference. Encourage her to get an education.

 

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