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Totally dumbfounded

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:07 AM
  • 20 Replies

OK the past 32 days have been insane under our roof. Our DS (one & only) turned 15 on the 20th of Nov. Shortly after that things took a turn for the worst so to speak.

A few days after DS's birthday my DH was rushed to the ER in the middle of the night. Early December my DH was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. With a secondary form of cancer as well.

We still are in the process of finding out what's going on with DH. As in medications, treatments and what not. But we have no clue what to expect as this not only blind sided us but even doctors don't know much about this form of cancer.

In our home there are very few things that are not shared. Of course DH and I don't share "adult details" or things like that. But we do talk about a lot of things that effect us as a whole family.

Here's my concerns. We've told DS as much as we can with out scaring him. We have told him he can come talk to us whenever he has questions or anything about what's going on. We have even heard him tell a few people (with our permission of course) that DH has cancer.

However when I've asked him if he had any questions or concerns he changes the subject ASAP. Then holes himself up in his room playing pc games or is in the living room watching movies/playing games.

We've even suggested that we go as a family to a cancer support group or see a counselor to help us as a family discuss everything. But when we have brought it up he changes the subject ASAP. Or replies... "I'm good."

I know I can force my DS to talk about it. I can only hope he's reached out to his best friend to talk. Or that he finally reaches out to talk to us. I'm not sure how to help my DS accept that DH's life and our lifestyle/lives have changed as well.

Cancer is something new to us. None of us have had to deal with it in the immediate family until now. Anyone have suggests or anything?

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 1:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by New Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 4:51 AM

i understand u are worried about ds but let him come to you.I have had to deal with cancer numerous times and 1 of those times and was the 1st time being my best friend. My mother told me what was going on and allowed me all the time i wanted and needed with him.We had  4 wonderful years before the scary thing took him.however he was cancer free when he passed.That was many years ago before so much cancer research,and he had multiple other meical problems prior.keep the door open for your son and allow him to talk to who is comfortable with,dont pry with them.Let themknow that its ok he talks to them and that you do not need to know what they talk about unless it is something dangerous(drugs,suicidal thoughts or something like that that your son is saying) When he is ready he was talk to you or your DH....sending prayers your way

by Angie on Jan. 2, 2013 at 5:26 AM

He will come to you when he feels like discussing deal with things the way they need to deal with them. Keep us updated.

by Grumpy on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:19 AM

Family counseling is the best.  This way he is able to open up.  He's probably very scared right now and doesn't want to talk about it.  Or if he does, he doesn't know how.  More than likely he's in denial.  Even before anything happens, greif counseling is key.  He's got to accept this, and so does the entire family.

by Susie on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:30 AM
He is in denial and wants to block it out. My mom was first diagnosed when I was 15. I know what that feels like although after surgery we pretty much knew she was cured. I wanted nothing to do with her. Refused to go to the hospital durning the surgery. I went for a little while after and subsequent days. I say let him know you ae there but he might feel way more comfortable talking to friends or no one.
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by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 9:41 AM

I'm so sorry for what your husband is going through, I hope everything turns our fine in the end.

As for your son, I have always found that letting them come to you is best. Of course give him all of the info you can, but let him figure out what to do with it. even if he is living in denial, reality will soon set in. Look into counseling, have someone ready just incase it is needed, probably wouldn't hurt anyways. Then be there for any questions he might have, i know when my grandma was really ill I went to doctors appointments with her and my mom since some care giving fell on me, even at 15/16. Just a thought cause it did help me see the reality of the situation. Good luck!

by Ida on Jan. 2, 2013 at 10:31 AM

 Time is the only thing that will help.

There has been alot of cancer in my family starting when I was 2 my dad passed away from cancer he was diagnosed when my mother was pregnant with my older sister.  Cancer is normally thought of as a death sentence  although it was always one when my dad had it in 1964,  if he had the same cancer today he would have survived treatments are so much better now. 

I know the main thing is going to the right place for treatment and don't wait go ASAP.  Find out if there is a cancer treatment center of America near you they have the most advanced treatment and from what I have seen are the best.  They also help the family and patient and since your son will see others who have been there with their parents he might be able to talk to them since they will understand what he is feeling.  Try to be honest with your son and let him know it won't be easy but together your family will get through it and be ok, and that you will let him know as little or as much as he wants to know.

 prayingfor you and your family

by Gold Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:42 AM

I think a support group is a good idea... perhaps a one on one therapist even better.  if he doesnt want to talk about it then turn the tables... tell him that dad really feels he (dad himself) needs to talk and you and son need to go with him to support him.  Give the power TO your son.  have him feel as if he is doing this to HELP DAD.  I think giving your son opportunities to 'help dad' will in turn help him.  There is nothing worse than feeling helpless... and cancer can do that to you.  By giving your son an actual task that helps dad you actually give him a bit of peace.

by Barbara on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:57 AM

I'm sorry. This must be very hard on everyone.

I agree with him being in denial. I hope the hospital has some information on support groups in your area. It might be beneficial for both you and your son to go to some support meetings.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2013 at 11:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Thanks all. It means a lot to me.

DH and I have talked more about what we can do to help DS when he finally steps forward. We will be going to a support group and family counseling. But we're leaving it up to DS whether he will go with or not.

A cousin of mine that is in the medical profession has offered to be available for DS if he has questions an is afraid to ask us or anyone else. All DS has to do is pick up the phone or shoot over an email to my cousin. The two rules still stands: Everything stays between them UNLESS there are red flags such as suicide, drug use, sex or physical/mental abuse. If they agree to tell us what they've talked about that is fine with us. But they both must agree before saying anything to us.

I think that's all we can really do for now. DS's first day back to school is tomorrow so it will be interesting to see what happens.

by Silver Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:19 AM

give him time just keep him updated as much as he will listen good luck keep positive

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