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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

DH tweets how great her dad is and it hurts....

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 6:25 PM
  • 11 Replies

Yes, he is the dad that left us for another woman, moved 10 hours away and is late every month with child support and has stopped paying the other things he agreed to pay. He sails in every few months and showers her with attention and takes her places, spends money and she gets all the attention for a few days. She has a wonderful time, can't wait to see him again, blah blah. I'm the bad parent now, the one who never left, buys her things, cooks for her, takes her where she needs to be, is always there and wants to be. I've bent over backwards to make her life the best it can be in light of a divorce and I'm the one who never gets a hug, rarely gets a thank you or even a smile. She never called me once while she was visiting with him last week. But I did get to read how great he is on Twitter. I've not gotten any of those Twitter comments. Of course I will never tell her how this hurts, hopefully someday it will be clear to her but I doubt it.

Yes, this is a poor me, but I know I'm not alone and for the other custodial moms out there who end up with the bad rap, and can't be the "fun" parent I share your pain, anger and disbelief at how things end up.

by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 6:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
annie2244
by Silver Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:08 PM

If you are the kind parent who has lots of heart to hearts with her, and is her number one supporter with kind but firm cooperatively agreed upon rules, then you will always be the parent with the true depth of their affection. Lots of time with a kind person always gains depth of true affection over flash.

Don't make this a competition of who does the most for her. That makes her a shallow spoiled child fed her attitude by both parents. Strive to be the parent who has depth with her - which means you hear her daily highs and lows each day over dinner. You bring her tea and a couple cookies each eve as you help her with homework or do your work from the office companionably while she studies. You stand firm as you withhold cell use when her Saturday chores are overdue, but laugh with her when you make a deal that if she and you together can get her bathroom cleaned before the end of a cranked up song on the radio, you'll let her finish her laundry on Sunday instead. Etc. You have the privilege to have true depth in your relationship with her. You can take charge of the tone of your days with her. Inject positive energy into those days. Develop feel good routines. You'll still have more attitude coming at you than she'll ever show him. That comes with living with someone, definitely comes with living with a teen. But you'll also have the depth of love that comes with the good and the bad, day after day. As long as you're ensuring that you two are having lots of good. Take charge of that. Ensure the good (this is not  'cater to her'). Make it who the two of you are together.

Lorena
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:13 PM
He is a Disney parent it is all fun in games right now. But, I bet when she needs something she will go to you because she knows that you are the one that will be there for her. But you have to remember even though he left he is still daddy and most girls are daddy girls no matter what.
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Lorena
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:13 PM
He is a Disney parent it is all fun in games right now. But, I bet when she needs something she will go to you because she knows that you are the one that will be there for her. But you have to remember even though he left he is still daddy and most girls are daddy girls no matter what.
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PurpleHazey
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 11:44 PM

Sorry!

PurpleHazey
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 11:44 PM


Quoting Lorena:

He is a Disney parent it is all fun in games right now. But, I bet when she needs something she will go to you because she knows that you are the one that will be there for her. But you have to remember even though he left he is still daddy and most girls are daddy girls no matter what.

I agree with you!

bizzeemom2717
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:19 AM
Right now she is young and doesn't understand unconditional love. It will come with time, honestly I didn't fully comprehend til I had my own first child. Hang in there, your love and dedication will be appreciated and rewarded one day. Hugs!
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drfink
by Emily on Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:56 AM

 

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Right now she is young and doesn't understand unconditional love. It will come with time, honestly I didn't fully comprehend til I had my own first child. Hang in there, your love and dedication will be appreciated and rewarded one day. Hugs!

 exactly what I was going to post !

great minds ...lol

RubyQ
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 6:52 AM

"Poor me" party granted ! This must be so hard . How old is she?

  Some things, kids just don't have the depth of experience to understand, but like other ladies said, she most likely will when she has children. It can seem like a long wait, but like you said, you would want to be there regardless of any adulation, so that's what will matter to her when it really counts. 

 Another thing to think about: a lot of times kids will write/talk glowingly about the other parent, not only because all they get to experience of them is the fun side , but because it is a validation to themselves and others that "yes, I have a dad" and "yes, he loves and cares about me". I remember doing this a little with friends--although it was in talking, of course, because twitter, facebook, and the electronics to use these things hadn't been invented yet! And my dad only visited me 4 times in ten years, lol. 

 Just try to remember that right now,  the focus of parenting should be what kind of people our kids end up being, not how much they love us for what we do. I know that doesn't take away or nullify the hurt now, nor even is that necessary, but maybe it will help make it bearable.

 That doesn't mean you can't yet instill a thankful attitude in your children. When my girls were young, I reminded them to say thank you for little things--serving their dinner, giving them a ride to school, bringing their laundry to their room, anything they would naturally need to thank someone else for. This wasn't so much for me as it was for them so  that, growing up,  they could recognize all the little things people do for them in life that will require a natural appreciation on their part. Now they recognize where thankfulness is due--to me or anyone-- and do it sincerely and unprompted. You don't mention how old she is, but I'm guessing it's not too late. 

 Unless there is an unusually, lopsided amount of 'trying to buy your DD's love' on the part of her father, or it is a blatant attempt at manipulating your daughter's love for his own needs, (which would need to be discussed) you might just let her have and enjoy her dad's temporary indulgences, and even enjoy them with her, pointing out the important aspects of it she can be thankful for: "Yes, I'm glad he spends time with you." "I'm thankful your time with him is is a happy one".  "It's very fortunate that you can have a good relationship with your dad." Focusing not  on what she is getting--but instead on what the experiences mean. Which hopefully will allow her to get a better perspective about her relationship with you. Hopefully, his  attention won't abruptly stop at some point, which often happens with parents who are only there for the 'good' times. That would be worse for her than anything you're experiencing now. 

 Is it just you and her in your home? It's natural for different aspects/feelings in our relationships to become magnified when there are few (or none) other relationships to attend to and occupy our time. Feelings that are normally bearable and recognized by us as due to the daily course of life can be become overly acute. 

 This too shall pass, even if it seems like it's taking a while. I Hope you feel better soon.




fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 4, 2013 at 8:20 AM

Trust me, she will understand eventually.  Took the oldest 7 years to figure it out.

orngblsm
by on Jan. 4, 2013 at 12:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Pity Party granted!  It totally sucks.  A lot of us are in the same boat.  The good news is that kids are smarter than we think, and they do eventually get it.  He is like a little kid.  He gets to play with his "dolly" (daughter) and put her away (send her home) when he is done.  In other words, he is getting to play at being dad.  Plus he is a screw up, feels guilty as he should, and compensates by showering her with whatever her heart's desire is.  Fun always trumps responsibility for kids.  But eventually they grow up, and the Peter Pan syndrome fades quickly.  You don't say how long this has been going on, but my child support advocate told me that usually after about three years most fathers usually move their kids out of their lives.  As many as she has seen, she would know. 

It is what it is.  Now the question is - what are you going to do about it?    For your XH, document everything that he is supposed to do and hasn't been doing, expenses included - AND take him back to court.  Get child support ordered through the court so the Department of Child Support Services will be collecting.   Fun things happen when he decides not to pay like losing his driving privileges, wage garnishment, interest on back support and monies owed, etc.   If he is not paying his half of her medical expenses, extra curricular activities, etc., keep the receipts and take him to court for his share.  Call a family law attorney (initial consults are usually free) or contact your local family law facilitator, and discuss your legal options.  Depending on his financial circumstances, a court may even order him to pay your attorney's expenses.  Be sure to discuss that with an attorney first, however.

For your daughter, you might want to try reading "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman.  The book is an easy read and offers really practical, non-drastic, easy-to-implement parenting techniques that get results fast.  I had the same attitude problems with my kids and, by following Dr. Leman's advice, got a 70% turnaround in their behavior. 

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