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My daughter hasn't seen her father or talked to him in 18 months, judge ordered no contact

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:10 AM
  • 11 Replies

I took her away from him, she lived with him because I moved and she wanted to stay and attend school in her hometown.  One night I was working I got a call from him that my 12 year old daughter ran away he found her a couple hours later at a friends house.  A week later she is at my house for the weekend, and she says to me, "I don't want to go back to Dads ever again, I want to live with you Mom.  I thought it was just a simple fight that would resolve itself in a week or two. I tried to resolve it with phone calls to my ex, but he was weird on the phone, he said she was a lair and manipulative.  He was saying horrible things about her.

2 weeks go by and I still can't get either of them to meet and talk face to face.  My daughter begins to tell me he is drinking heavily and she believes he may be doing drugs too.  She tells me he is acting irrationably and even threatened to kill her uncle who lives with my ex.  A couple nights later she confides in me tells me, her father is trying to get her to sleep in the bed with her.  She said he bribes her, and she kept refusing to she felt threatened.  I had always told her to listen to her instincts.  She then said he kept telling her to take off her bra at night and since she slept on a cot in his room, she felt she needed to cover up all the time.  He had lied to me, he said she had her own room at his mothers, but the whole time she was sleeping in the basement on a cot and he on a bed in the same room.

The next day I went to court with my daughter and demanded emergency custody of her.  I have had her ever since.  I fought him in court for over 6 months, the judge said he is to have no contact with her, unless she contacts him first.  She did one night when a hurricane hit us, and she asked him if he was ok.  He text her back and said I'm fine, mommy is trying to get money from me and have me thrown in jail.  I went to court the following week and showed the text to the judge.  I showed the judge how he was being mentally cruel to her, trying to make her feel guilty over all this.  The judge ordered a mental evaluation for him, he failed it, the doctor said he has boundary issues and that she believes he is a mentally unstable and that he should not be allowed visitation unless it is supervised.  It has been 18 months now, he has never seen her, or had contact with her again.

I am worried about her, she is so angry.  She is hurting so bad over what he did to her.  Though she says he never sexually abused her, I still feel that he was setting her up for it and would have done it.  The judge feels he is a high risk and the doctor agrees.   We are in therapy, but it is a slow healing process.  I know I did the right thing, and it is him that is in the wrong, however how much damage is this all going to do to my daughter?  Not having him in her life after all the years that he was close to her is killing her.  But having him in contact is worse I believe, he will try to manipulate her and make her feel guilty.  I hate all of this, what he has done to our child.  How is she ever gonna be normal after this?  It is like she has lost his entire side of the family.  His parents hate her and won't even speak her name in the house, I am told.  She ran into her cousin and he told her that, and she is so hurt, so very hurt.  I am crying now, how could he do this to such a wonderful child, how could he change her into an angry, sad and devastated young girl? 

I got what I asked for, and it was necessary to take her away from him.  He is still a mess according to Child protective services, he will probably never see or talk to her again.  Is this horrible to say?  I wish he would have died it would have been easier than this, at least there would have been closure for us all.  It is tearing me apart and her, how can we ever get over all this?

by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
GrammaJane46
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:21 AM
1 mom liked this

My kids and I went through this, too.  Now they are adults and understand that their father, because of his mental illness, poisoned the information his side of the family received.  Once they were able to make the contact with his family on their own, the information was refuted and they now have contact with grandparents, aunts and uncle.

Although it is difficult for her, she will grow to understand that her father is ill and that his illness is not her fault.  The best thing for her is for you to continute to support her and to tell her over and over that his is ill and until he is well, it is not good for her to see him.  You can't control what he is doing, but you can shelter her from some of it and help her to understand the rest.

You, too, need to come to the understanding that he is ill -- think of it as emotional cancer -- and not in control of his actions.  When you can come to grips with your anger at him, you will be better able to help her.  

mango44
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I think he is ill because of his mother, all her children have major issues, and after 20 years of marriage I have no doubts it is because of her.  My daughter is better off without him and his parents, cause they witnessed all he did with my daughter, and did nothing about it.  Saying he is emotional ill I know is correct, however I can't help but feel it makes him unaccountable for his actions and behavior.  I believe we will never get closure on this, as I have never gotten closure when I left the marriage.He mentally abused me for 20 years, I was stupid to believe he would not do it to his own daughter.  It was like he replaced me with her.  I am angry, very angry and I am sad and depressed at what damage this man has caused.  It is what it is, I have learned that, but sadly it doesn't answer my concerns for the future mental health of my daughter.  I guess I need to heal in order to be able to help her move on with her life.  It's been 5 1/2 years since I was with this nightmare man, in my eyes he will always be a monster.  I just wish my daughter didn't have to find out that he was a monster as a father too.  I just have to take what ever steps I need to, to help her through this.  I survived and got out of the marriage, so I am a very strong woman, I want the same strong spirit to return to my daughter.

Quoting GrammaJane46:

My kids and I went through this, too.  Now they are adults and understand that their father, because of his mental illness, poisoned the information his side of the family received.  Once they were able to make the contact with his family on their own, the information was refuted and they now have contact with grandparents, aunts and uncle.

Although it is difficult for her, she will grow to understand that her father is ill and that his illness is not her fault.  The best thing for her is for you to continute to support her and to tell her over and over that his is ill and until he is well, it is not good for her to see him.  You can't control what he is doing, but you can shelter her from some of it and help her to understand the rest.

You, too, need to come to the understanding that he is ill -- think of it as emotional cancer -- and not in control of his actions.  When you can come to grips with your anger at him, you will be better able to help her.  


mango44
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:58 AM
1 mom liked this

I think I should add this, I am an incest survivor.  At least I got her out of there in time, the life time of pain I have suffered I would never wish on anyone.  I know I saved her from that pain, but now there is the pain of her living with the fact her father is incapable of ever being a true father one that never would hurt her in this way.  She was very brave in telling me about his behavior.  She is very strong, I love her very much. 

tueborvita
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 11:59 AM

I am so sorry for both of you. I know this is a terrible thing to go through, but it sounds as if it is for the best. Love your daughter. Help her build new bonds. There is no undoing what has been done, but you can prove to her that she is not responsible for his or his families actions and she can trust and love.

bizzeemom2717
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:23 PM
Thank God you got her out of there in time and fought for you daughter, good for you. That takes a strong person, you have and are doing from what I can tell and feel EVERYTHING right, esp with the therapy. (((( big hugs))) hang in there. Your dd will be okay. She will not only be okay, she will be a strong and resilient woman one day who will know and have the same instincts you do on when to help others get out of a bad situation. Maybe she will want to go into a helping profession one day, teacher, nurse, social worker, ect. Again hugs, I know it seems bad now but you got her out of there in time....think of how bad it could have been? His family isn't even worth your tears it sounds like, look at the crap they produced, pardon my language, but really look at facts.
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sunflowers12
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:36 PM

 thank God she spoke up to many times girls will not that's scary... you did the right thing and everything is documented... as far as help therapy and working it out on a daily bases is all you can do.. there going to be good days and bad and that's really just life... its the same for everyone... i had a no contact order from my father as a kid and the sad thing was is it didn't make anything easier or harder it was what it was... my mom had me in therapy and the whole nine yards and nothing really worked for me until i turned to God and since then have been able to work through my own issues... this is why we should believe our kids when they say something is going on know matter who it is... i feel so strongly about that because know one ever believed me when things were going wrong in my life... as far is all the emotions these things take time to work out but they will just keep trying and try to keep positive find new ways in which to relive negative energy such as working out or walking something like that can help the two of you...

so sorry for the hard time you both are having...

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:16 PM

Kids go through this and most pull out at the other side.  Are you making progress in therapy?  I hope so, if you are then please continue it.  She wants his approval, that much is obvious but she's not going to get it.  She needs to understand that her father is SICK.  It's an ILLNESS.  This way she can stop blaming herself,you and everyone but the person who is doing it.  Putting it to her like this will give her something to blame instead of someone.

mango44
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you all for the kind words, my dd came home today from school, she is such a vivacious child, it is hard to imagine that she in pain deep down.  She hides it well, but she will move on with her life and realize that he may be her father, however it is only blood he is not worthy to be her father.

02nana07
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:55 PM

 I know how you feel and it is hard but just try to stay strong and be there for your daughter.   She will be ok it will just take time for her to mature and understand it is for the best.

group hug

PurpleHazey
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 7:01 PM

Glad you got her safe, but after seeing a lot in my days I sure hope that this isn't a thing that she is pulling to get her own way (just saying) my son has a friend who plays this when ever he don't get his own way, he moves in with his dad and says all kinds of things about his mom until he gets mad at his dad and moves back with his mom and then says things about his dad. Hope the best for the two of you!

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