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Advice Needed: What if you don t like the boy your daughter...

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What if you don't like the boy your daughter thinks she's in love with? Do you let them date? She is 17 - almost 18 and hopefully still going to college in the fall!

by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 9:01 PM
Replies (11-15):
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Include him as often as possible. Have him to dinner movie night game night . The more your dd sees you trying the more she might see him for who he is. Kill him with kindness momma.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 16, 2013 at 2:37 PM


Quoting KarenR:


Quoting fantasticfour:

It all depends on why you don't like the person.  I did my best to seperate my oldest from the little liar he dated, didn't work and it took YEARS for him to see that she was the problem.

He tries to manipulate/control who she is friends with and situations. She is usually independent so it surprises me when he controls her like that. I guess if I try to dictate who she can or cannot date, I am no better lol :) It is sooo hard to sit back an watch though.


The only thing I can suggest it to talk to her about her self esteem.  She needs to be herself and if he doesn't love her back because of that, then kick him to the curb!

TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:49 PM

How can you stop her at 17?

annie2244
by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 6:54 PM
2 moms liked this

 

He tries to manipulate/control who she is friends with and situations. She is usually independent so it surprises me when he controls her like that. I guess if I try to dictate who she can or cannot date, I am no better lol :) It is sooo hard to sit back an watch though.

 


Whoa! This calls for a ton of conversations with her. Controlling is one of the first warning signs of an abuser. Belittling is another.

You don't want to shut this guy down. You want HER to shut this guy down, effectively and nonconfrontationally. You want HER to internalize all the attitudes and knowledge that will make her a strong discerning capable woman going forward, so that she can quickly spot the icky guys and avoid them, but if somehow they've entered her friend circle, she is a confident assured adept non-confrontational exciser, and gets her life clean of them.

This is the whole point of NOT controlling who your kids spend time with, but arming them, through lots of conversation, to be adept at having only quality people in their inner circle. Anytime there's a news story on tv about domestic violence, or a kid who got arrested, it's an opportunity for a conversation with your kid about choosing people, what to avoid, what to look for, how dangerous it is to let poor quality people into your life.

You're not shutting him down. You're not watching it happen. Thankfully, there's a fabulous middle ground. Your words of wisdom, combined with related cautionary tales. You want to skate right on the edge of annoyingly repetitive, as you grasp every faintly related instance and opportunity to arm your kids with information, and your words of wisdom. Your kids should be rolling their eyes at you at least weekly, saying 'I know, mom. You've told me this stuff before'.

;)

sunflowers12
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this

 well, you see at this age its really not up to you any more its kinda up to them.. you know the ol saying "keep your enemies close"!! to you that way you can see what their up too..

to me if you make a big stink about the boy she will just sneak around and find away to be together sorta like "forbidden fruit".. we are all entitled to our opinions, but we don't have to share them all the time especially if you want to stay somewhat connectedto your dd:) trying to control her love life at this age would most definitelydrive her away..

 pray that he true colors begin to show so she sees what you see if there is a real problem i am sure she is smart and will take appropriate action and sometimes we all have to learn the hard way but it helps to know how to deal later on in these life situations... hope this helps in some way :) keep up the hard work:)

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