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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Why does he do this?

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:30 PM
  • 58 Replies

I told my son that from now on I'm not going to get mad if he decides to fail.  That's on him.  Pass or fail as you wish.  Well, he's had the flu.  I asked him, is there any need for me to go get your homework?  Yes.  Are you sure?  Yes.  Are you going to do it, because I don't want to waste my time or my gas getting it if your not (school is a bit aways).  Yes.

He stayed in bed all morning yesterday even though he "felt fine".  He was milking it, sleeping so he wouldn't have to do the work.  For 3 days he worked on the SAME worksheet. He wasn't struggling, he just wasn't doing it. 

I told him today, because of the storm, tomorrow is probably the last day of the 9 weeks.  They are likely to close school on Friday because of icy conditions.  He had to have it all done.  He doesn't get it done.  I tell him he has to have it done by 8pm, not because I want him to pass, but because I didn't want him to have taken advantage of me.

For 1 1/2 hours he sat on his bed, doing nothing, he had his name on his paper and that's it.  By the way, doc released him to go to school for today, he didn't go.  He had all day (was up at 9am until 9pm). I asked him why he didn't do it and he started wailing like a baby.  I told him that I wasn't going to sit there and join his pity party.  He's 16 btw.  He said he's not pitying himself, but pities me!  Why?  Because I am "so blind".  To what?  Him.  So I said tell me, so I won't be blind.  I can't. I don't know what to tell you.  He pulls this crap every time he is held responsible.

Why does he do that?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tnmommy5
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:45 PM
I wish I could help but I don't know what to do. Here's a bump. Sorry mama
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Jebekarue
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 12:38 AM

My ds will be 17 next month and while he isn't failing his grades aren't as good as they can be.  It is very frustrating and trying to convince him that if he doesn't make good grades to get a scholarship to a college he wont be able to go out of state to the one he wants to go to.  He is in band but wants to do football, but his school you can't do both.  He has a possible football scholarship in his lap for him to work for already and he is going to blow it because they look at grades also. 
I honestly don't know what advice to give you other than keep trying to talk to him, use prompts if he won't just open up.  Start with the easy stuff like how was a particular class (if you know he is having problems in it)  milk him so to speak for info, but do it slyly so he doesn't really realize you are doing it until he lets that one thing slip that is really bothering him.  I can't say that will work but its worth a try.  My son and I talk, not as much as I would like, but he finally opened up when I asked him what his new years resolution was and he said to work harder to get better grades.  I just kinda went from there.  You know your kid to an extent, start with stuff he likes and get him talking, and kinda ease into the stuff he doesn't like. 

Hope this helps

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 17, 2013 at 7:00 AM

This is what I've been trying to do all this time.  He doesn't open up about school.  At school he's happy, talkative, friendly, at home he's broody, whiny, and mean.  I did talk to one of his friends, and asked him, could you talk to him about what's going on at home?  Ask him about it?  I even told him, I don't understand what's going on with him and he won't talk to me about it, maybe if you could understand and help me things will get better.  He said he's going to try.

Quoting Jebekarue:

My ds will be 17 next month and while he isn't failing his grades aren't as good as they can be.  It is very frustrating and trying to convince him that if he doesn't make good grades to get a scholarship to a college he wont be able to go out of state to the one he wants to go to.  He is in band but wants to do football, but his school you can't do both.  He has a possible football scholarship in his lap for him to work for already and he is going to blow it because they look at grades also. 
I honestly don't know what advice to give you other than keep trying to talk to him, use prompts if he won't just open up.  Start with the easy stuff like how was a particular class (if you know he is having problems in it)  milk him so to speak for info, but do it slyly so he doesn't really realize you are doing it until he lets that one thing slip that is really bothering him.  I can't say that will work but its worth a try.  My son and I talk, not as much as I would like, but he finally opened up when I asked him what his new years resolution was and he said to work harder to get better grades.  I just kinda went from there.  You know your kid to an extent, start with stuff he likes and get him talking, and kinda ease into the stuff he doesn't like. 

Hope this helps


Madammeke
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 8:07 AM
I know mine is only 12 but why did he not go to school when the doctor said he could. Why do you allow that?
Why not have him sit at the dining table and make him do his homework? Demand you are the parent.

They have one task in life, do their best at school, and if not it should have consequences. Take away privileges.

I would do whatever it takes to make him shape up and I really mean whatever it takes. Where is his father (figure)?
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Acid
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 8:11 AM
1 mom liked this
*you're. Maybe you should do the work with him.
3rdmommaproud
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 8:20 AM

  do you ask in a normal conversational voice why he isnt doing his work?  if he needs help and just isnt understanding it?

tell him youll help best you can.  

I have a seven yr old with issues or behaviorial issues and i  know it is hard to keep strong and be BOSS.  Its an every day struggle and you just give up or give in its hard.  you just get to the point where you dont know what to do and you live with it and deal best you can.

You should try to set the rules and do what you can in inforcing them though.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:36 AM

Ok, The reason why he didn't go to school yesterday was because I felt if he couldn't stay away on Tuesday, then he should have another recovery day.  He was not running around watching tv and the like.  He was in his room.

I don't have him sit at the dining room table and do his homework because, well he won't do it.  It just pisses me off.  So he's in his room.  And before we get too far, he used to do his homework ALL THE TIME.  He was an honor roll student in all honors courses for a long time.  Then he decided he didn't want to do it.

Take away priviledges?  Which ones?  Because he has clothes, school books, a bed and a dresser in his room.  That is all.  No toys, no books, no fun material at all.  He is not permitted to use the phone, go outside, watch tv, surf the web, etc.  He was told if you fail it will not be with extras.

So what does it take then Madammeke?  I'm dieing to know!  His teachers inform me he is capable of A work, capable of doing honors work (before we took him out), his guidance counselor is lost, the resourse officer can't get anything out of him and his friends HAVE NO IDEA HE IS DOING THIS.  So please, tell me what it takes.  I'll be more than happy to try it out.

And his father works for a living and spends his evenings and weekends just as stressed as the rest of us, doing his best to figure it all out.

Quoting Madammeke:

I know mine is only 12 but why did he not go to school when the doctor said he could. Why do you allow that?
Why not have him sit at the dining table and make him do his homework? Demand you are the parent.

They have one task in life, do their best at school, and if not it should have consequences. Take away privileges.

I would do whatever it takes to make him shape up and I really mean whatever it takes. Where is his father (figure)?


fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:37 AM

Why?  He understands the material.  What am I supposed to do other than do it for him? 

Quoting Acid:

*you're. Maybe you should do the work with him.


fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:39 AM

Umm.. I've come to the understanding that nothing I do will make him pass his classes.  I think he is doing it to piss me off.  I honestly do.  That and he doesn't see how bad this is reflecting on his college chances.

As far as needing help and not understanding, he has to write a paper on what he THINKS about a poem.  That's the basic part of it.  He can read, write, and comprehend.  He refused.  The rest of it, the teachers all inform me that he is capable, and DOES understand it.

What rule should I put down?  How should I enforce it?

Quoting 3rdmommaproud:

  do you ask in a normal conversational voice why he isnt doing his work?  if he needs help and just isnt understanding it?

tell him youll help best you can.  

I have a seven yr old with issues or behaviorial issues and i  know it is hard to keep strong and be BOSS.  Its an every day struggle and you just give up or give in its hard.  you just get to the point where you dont know what to do and you live with it and deal best you can.

You should try to set the rules and do what you can in inforcing them though.


Acid
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:44 AM
3 moms liked this

WHOOSH, right over your head.

You can't expect him to pass his work and do his work if his own mother can't use your/you're in the proper context.

People have given you suggestions and you're giving excuses.

What you want to hear is 'oh, you poor, poor, woman you have the worst teenager ever'.  What you are hearing is 'put your fucking foot down and be a parent'.

Quoting fantasticfour:

Why?  He understands the material.  What am I supposed to do other than do it for him? 

Quoting Acid:

*you're. Maybe you should do the work with him.



Only when the last tree has been cut down,
Only when the last river has been poisoned,
Only when the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.

— Cree Indian Prophecy

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