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really hurt...long, somewhat of a vent

Posted by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:54 AM
  • 14 Replies

so let me start off and say, I have 2 grown dd's with families of their own, and now a sm to a sd17, whose mother passed away 2yrs ago today....AND, the things that i probably will post on here, are hurt feelings...

This is what we've learned last night from what happen over the holidays regarding the sd and her mother's side of the family..

Christmas eve: her aunt picked her up in the afternoon, family christmas (they all might get together once a year, lives about an hour away, one aunt lives 15min away, this aunt sees sd maybe 4x's/yr)

My sd didn't get alot of presents on that side for many reasons, finaces, family heath, general economy, whatever...She is the youngest of the cousins, there are no LO's, and Christmas is for the babies, not nearly grown ass people...Once presents were opened, food away, dishes done, she and her cousin are talking and she tells him that she thinks that the gifts her aunt gave her where cheap, and that she was really pissed that she didn't get alot of things...yeah, right you read that right.... Then she went into detail of how i/we are evil parents, that she hates living at home, and how much she wishes she didn't...That I make her give me ALL OF HER MONEY when/if she gets any.(if i loan her money, i expect it to be offered to be paid back, i may not always take it, but you better offer...),in fact  sd said this to her aunt when her aunt gave her $ for christmas..plus a couple of small things...Told alot of other disrepectful things about me and her father..

Over NYE the sd spent the night at her mother's aunts house(same one from christmas)...nothing special, just playing video games, bs'ing, skyping,facebooking...the usual for teens these days..her cousin is 24 living at home and she mainly went there for the night bc she wanted to spend time with her cousing...or so i thought

Early in that night, my dh called sd, and told her that absolutely her bf was not to come down there, and that if he found out he did, she'd be sorry..(the one thing dh doesn't tolerate is lying)..She told him that her bf was in MI for the night with his parents...

Yesterday dh gets a phone call from the aunt that hosted christmas, and had her there for nye...she proceeded to tell my dh all the things that was said over that span of the holiday, what the sd is telling the other aunt about us, and the going ons within our house..all which is not true...at all...and what's being said to a nonexistant grandmother...again all lies...How, she has a wild side, how she spent 2+hrs in her bf's car on NYE, and what specifically she had said about me...

When confronted, with what we have learned, of course she denies it, but after asking a couple more times, she admitted that the bf was down there, and that she did say a few things..that her aunt is exxagerating, even lying (yeah, but she admitted to a few things we directly asked her about)..

I get it, teens/young adults are going to push limits and test waters, this is not my first rodeo, however to be so blantently disrepectful to me to her father, to my husband is so hurtful,...Here I/we thought that we are doing a good job, making this a home, making us a family, healing from the hurt that we all have experienced over the past few years of all of our lives...But come to find out, she either 1) truly feels that way or 2) pitting people against each other....and either way, it's not ok..

I told my dh last night, that he doesn't realize what has happen within this family since i became a member of it, that i have had to bite my tongue often and accept alot of behaviour/attitudes that i was not ok with...that when I got involved with a man with kids and all the baggage that that brings, and then add into the baggage of this family, it was also being involved with her...and when i married you,, i married her as well....That if she is telling this to her aunts, who i am as a person, woman, a mother,wife are percieved completely oppites of who i actually am....they will never see the person i am...and how I am a part of why this girl is who she is *****she really is a good kid..like i said early, im hurt), that i have been the one that has helped this family heal, that together my dh and I we are guiding her into adulthood, teaching her values, responsibility, morals, goals...life lessons...That I get NO  acknowledgement (which i am not asking for any for it whatsoever,) and thought of as the evil step mother that makes her sort out the salt and pepper grains....I tell her often that she may not be of my blood but you are of my heart..

There are moments in life that create memories, that you'll never forget...this is sadly one of them..uugghhhhh

vent over....

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

First, you took her father away from her mother.  Even if you were NOT the cause of their breakup, when he married you, it was obvious to this child that her parents were never getting back together.  THEN, her mother dies.  And dies RECENTLY.   I would be more surprised if she DID like you.

What this child needs, is grief counseling, and to be evaluated for depression.  What she does NOT need, is you and her father holding a pity party for yourselves.  You parents could do with some family counseling, to help you understand, and learn how to parent this child.

copgirl112
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 7:43 PM

Agreed with sabrtooth1. Divorce is not easy for anyone to manage let alone a teen.

nsparky1964
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Mom passed before dh and even started dating....therapy has been offered several times...she watched her mother die for 4a yrs...they as a family dealt with the notion and the realization that mom was going to die...long before I entered the picture....


Quoting sabrtooth1:

First, you took her father away from her mother.  Even if you were NOT the cause of their breakup, when he married you, it was obvious to this child that her parents were never getting back together.  THEN, her mother dies.  And dies RECENTLY.   I would be more surprised if she DID like you.


What this child needs, is grief counseling, and to be evaluated for depression.  What she does NOT need, is you and her father holding a pity party for yourselves.  You parents could do with some family counseling, to help you understand, and learn how to parent this child.


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luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:30 PM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like she is still hurting and acting out, and of course who do they like to hurt the most? The people that love them.

Counseling would be best of course, would bribery work? Have you told her how much it hurt to hear the things she said, even if, as she says it is half truths?

sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:22 PM

 


Quoting nsparky1964:

Mom passed before dh and even started dating....therapy has been offered several times...she watched her mother die for 4a yrs...they as a family dealt with the notion and the realization that mom was going to die...long before I entered the picture....

This is even WORSE!  Her father managed to meet someone new, date, and decide to get married WITHIN 2 YEARS OF HIS WIFE'S DEATH??? Or was it within a year???  The fact that the woman was ill for several years does NOT lessen the loss.  It does NOT make things any easier.  What's wrong with you???

My father died when I was 11 and my sister was 10.  He had been sick for years.  My mother never dated, never remarried, because she did not want to bring another man into our lives.  My mother died when I was 40.  She had been sick for years also.  I was devastated.  I cried for months.  I STILL cry, and I'm 60!  The fact that you know someone is going to die does not lessen the pain and grief.  A CHILD had to watch her mother slowly die over 4 YEARS, and therapy was OFFERED?   OFFERED??? 

bammbamm71
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 11:03 PM

It's not easy being a step mom.  Good luck. 

GrammaJane46
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:51 AM

If sd's need for therapy isn't already obvious, the rant from sabertooth gives you a clue as to her attitude in 20 years and beyond.

i strongly suggest FAMILY COUNSELING.  It's never a bad idea for blended families, and sd will get into the office that way and possibly move on to individual or group counseling for herself.

mjande4
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 8:43 AM
3 moms liked this

Hang in there!  The death of a parent is difficult for a child of ANY age, let alone a teen.  In addition, watching a parent struggle from a lengthy illness and then pass on is even more heart wrenching.  Your husband had every right to move on and chances are very high that the deceased wife wanted this too.  You are in a really tough position and my heart goes out to you.  I also agree that counseling is necessary, regardless of what your step daughter thinks/wants.  I definitely would push for this.  Sabertooth is clearly a result of NOT dealing with loss properly at a young age.  Good luck!

nsparky1964
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:00 AM
1 mom liked this
And let me ask you (or any other) when is it OK to move on..is there a book, law that states you must mourn for X amount of time? Dhs did exactly what his wife wished, he found love again..yes it was fast, I'll give you that..however since it was a short amount of time doesn't mean its wrong...the fact that he found love and had faith in relationship proves to be a testament to their marriage...my dhs was 38 yrs old when he lost his wife after being together for 23yrs..she was 40...entirely too young to spend a life alone and not happy..
When we started getting serious, he spoke heartfelt with his dd..she told him that it was great to see him happy,smile and laugh again, that it had been entirely too long since happiness was in the house...
The fact that you mother never remarried to me speaks volumes about her marriage...
The family did do therapy prior to her passing, mom and dd spoke of her hopes and dreams not only for her,but for my dh...
The family (dd,dh) did everything mom asked of them, if mom was OK with them living life,not to die along with her, then way does it ,matter to anyone else? Therapy has been offered on numerous occasions..dh and dd have both said they are fine..we openly talk about mom, have a collage of pictures arranged in the house, even have pics of her on the refrigerator.. I hold them when they cry, encourage them when they need it... mom is a HUGE part of our lives...still to this day...
And if by some small chance SD needs or wants to talk to someone, shell get it...she has handled her mothers death a lot better than a lot of older people that has lost a parent..myself included...


Quoting sabrtooth1:

 




Quoting nsparky1964:

Mom passed before dh and even started dating....therapy has been offered several times...she watched her mother die for 4a yrs...they as a family dealt with the notion and the realization that mom was going to die...long before I entered the picture....

This is even WORSE!  Her father managed to meet someone new, date, and decide to get married WITHIN 2 YEARS OF HIS WIFE'S DEATH??? Or was it within a year???  The fact that the woman was ill for several years does NOT lessen the loss.  It does NOT make things any easier.  What's wrong with you???


My father died when I was 11 and my sister was 10.  He had been sick for years.  My mother never dated, never remarried, because she did not want to bring another man into our lives.  My mother died when I was 40.  She had been sick for years also.  I was devastated.  I cried for months.  I STILL cry, and I'm 60!  The fact that you know someone is going to die does not lessen the pain and grief.  A CHILD had to watch her mother slowly die over 4 YEARS, and therapy was OFFERED?   OFFERED??? 


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kthomasson
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:31 AM

 I am right where you are sister!  DH and I married 2 1/2 years after his wife passed.  He had a 9 yo son and a 13 yo daughter.  They are the children of my heart.  We have all been through rough patches getting our two families blended and that has been just shy of 4 years.

We went in for family counseling that same year and SD & SS have both been in for individual counseling due to the fact that there mother was a severe alcoholic and died very suddenly.  Both of these caused, and in some ways for SS still cause major issues.

I would highly recommend you and her DH get her into counseling now.  My SD never wanted to go into counseling BUT she is soooooo much happier now.  If she keeps repressing her feelings and never talking about it then she'll carry it over into adulthood and those relationships.  KWIM?

It's hard for them to form new relationships with us as stepparents because I think they feel they're being disloyal, but we do have a really good relationship today.  I have never tried to be their "mother" but by gosh I am the best damn stepmother I can be!

Kudos to you for stepping up and doing everything you've done.  It's hard, I know it's dang hard to walk that thin line. 

And you're right, there is absolutely no timeline to say when it's okay to move on.  It's all too easy to look at it from the outside, until you've been there and done that.

 

hugging

 


Quoting nsparky1964:

And let me ask you (or any other) when is it OK to move on..is there a book, law that states you must mourn for X amount of time? Dhs did exactly what his wife wished, he found love again..yes it was fast, I'll give you that..however since it was a short amount of time doesn't mean its wrong...the fact that he found love and had faith in relationship proves to be a testament to their marriage...my dhs was 38 yrs old when he lost his wife after being together for 23yrs..she was 40...entirely too young to spend a life alone and not happy..
When we started getting serious, he spoke heartfelt with his dd..she told him that it was great to see him happy,smile and laugh again, that it had been entirely too long since happiness was in the house...
The fact that you mother never remarried to me speaks volumes about her marriage...
The family did do therapy prior to her passing, mom and dd spoke of her hopes and dreams not only for her,but for my dh...
The family (dd,dh) did everything mom asked of them, if mom was OK with them living life,not to die along with her, then way does it ,matter to anyone else? Therapy has been offered on numerous occasions..dh and dd have both said they are fine..we openly talk about mom, have a collage of pictures arranged in the house, even have pics of her on the refrigerator.. I hold them when they cry, encourage them when they need it... mom is a HUGE part of our lives...still to this day...
And if by some small chance SD needs or wants to talk to someone, shell get it...she has handled her mothers death a lot better than a lot of older people that has lost a parent..myself included...


Quoting sabrtooth1:

 


 


Quoting nsparky1964:

Mom passed before dh and even started dating....therapy has been offered several times...she watched her mother die for 4a yrs...they as a family dealt with the notion and the realization that mom was going to die...long before I entered the picture....

This is even WORSE!  Her father managed to meet someone new, date, and decide to get married WITHIN 2 YEARS OF HIS WIFE'S DEATH??? Or was it within a year???  The fact that the woman was ill for several years does NOT lessen the loss.  It does NOT make things any easier.  What's wrong with you???


My father died when I was 11 and my sister was 10.  He had been sick for years.  My mother never dated, never remarried, because she did not want to bring another man into our lives.  My mother died when I was 40.  She had been sick for years also.  I was devastated.  I cried for months.  I STILL cry, and I'm 60!  The fact that you know someone is going to die does not lessen the pain and grief.  A CHILD had to watch her mother slowly die over 4 YEARS, and therapy was OFFERED?   OFFERED??? 



 

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