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Advice Needed: My 13 almost 14 year old daughter has a boyfriend...

Posted by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM
  • 13 Replies

My 13 (almost 14) year old daughter has a boyfriend. They are both great kids. They live an hour apart so they only see each other once or twice a month. I am acting cool about it and very reasonable. But inside, I'm nervous. I trust them. Really I do. She knows EVERYTHING there is to know about sex. And I mean EVERYTHING. So it's not like she is uneducated and naive.

My concern is stemming from a look on her face yesterday. We were at his house and they went to play a game in another room. I wavered on letting them go unsupervised but I needed to let her make that decision. I won't always be there so I try to let her make the right choices on her own.  Before they went to the other room, she hesitated. Then she eventually got up and went with him. When I called for them, she came back with a stange look on her face. It was a look of feeling uncomfortable. When we got in the car, I asked her if they played the game or made out. She said a little of both. I said you look uncomfortable. She said I am in the middle. Not all the way but not a little bit. So I told her if you don't feel right about something, you shouldn't do it. That's your heart telling you it's not right. And she said okay. The conversation ended there.

Now my mind is going crazy. I don't want to get emotional about this. She will clam up and won't tell me anything. I want to tell her that I think she is way too young to have a boyfriend and she should enjoy life, school, and sports instead of worrying about a guy. That choosing to go with him unsupervised was the wrong choice.  That she looked uncomfortable and was not having fun and it bothered me. 

She usually has no problem telling anyone what she will or will not do. She has put a few of her friends in their place and if they didn't like it she didn't care. She has such a strong personality. It bothers me that she did something that she was uncomfortable doing. Maybe it was just that it was her first kiss? Maybe they went a little further than that? Anyone else go thru this yet and how did you handle it? What do I say and how do I say it to prevent a mother daughter fall out?

by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 5:48 PM
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TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 6:06 PM
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Hopefully she listened to you.  No need going over it again. 

She's not going to spill all to Mom.  All you can do is be there and pay attention to your Mom gut.  I'd supervise a 13 year old though.  That is pretty darn young, and you know that kids in pairs and groups will do things they never will do alone. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jan. 28, 2013 at 6:47 PM
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Supervise her all the time. 13, turning 14 is very young for a boyfriend. I doubt she was uncomfortable over just a kiss.
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bizzeemom2717
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 2:56 AM
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She is only 13, wayyyyy too young IMO to have a boyfriend esp ANY time unsupervised. Of course she looked uncomfortable, she's obviously too young to make any type of decision about "making out". Go with your gut, you are the parent yes tell her what you want to....she is too young to have a boyfriend, ect? What is the rush? There is plenty of time for this, your poor daughter was already put in an uncomfortable situation way out of her comfort zone and maturity. I wouldn't have any more unsupervised time between the two if them
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lakerfan420
by Jamie on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:07 AM
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This is gonna be long and may or may not make you feel better. My now almost 15 yr old had her first real boyfriend at a month shy of 13. After they had been going out for a month, she ended it. She then asked a boy out that she pretty much dumped Graig (first bf) for. He turned her down, and she wasn't interested in anyone else. She went camping with my sister and her cousins for the 4th of July. Thought nothing of it as she's gone many times before. One of her cousins was actually a friend of my 16 yr old nephew. He was 2 months shy of 17 at the time. When she got home, she told her dad that she had been dating Jeff for almost a month and that they had sex 3 times while they were camping. We had noticed a couple pics on her Facebook of the 2 of them holding hands and we were planning on talking to her about how he was too old after she got back. She beat us to it though. We tried explaining how wrong this relationship was, but she was in love. After a long summer of them talking/texting each other (the only thing we compromised on and the texts were monitored), she was able to talk my mom into letting them go to the movies, and they slept together again. She confessed this to us the following day and finally got it. She was an emotional wreck and felt like all he wanted was sex since that's the first thing they did. She ended it and never looked back. Now 8th grade was starting. She admitted she still had feelings for Graig and felt horrible for how she treated him and how she acted over the summer. She reconnected with Graig as friends, and a few months later they started dating again. Their one year anniversary is coming up soon. She's always been an honest kid with good values, and has never stepped out of line with the exception of that one summer. She did mess up, but thankfully she learned from it. Unfortunately she lost something that can never be returned, and she regrets this because Graig is a virgin and she's not. My point is that even good kids screw up sometime, but if they've been brought up up well they will recover. Keep those lines of communication open, both good and bad. Try your best to remain calm. As bad as things got for us, I'm so glad she always felt comfortable enough to tell us things she knew we would not like. Good luck mama, it's tough when they start dating young.
cat4458
by Bronze Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this.  It's hard to unring a bell so now that you know what you know, go with your gut. Good luck turning this around. 


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

She is only 13, wayyyyy too young IMO to have a boyfriend esp ANY time unsupervised. Of course she looked uncomfortable, she's obviously too young to make any type of decision about "making out". Go with your gut, you are the parent yes tell her what you want to....she is too young to have a boyfriend, ect? What is the rush? There is plenty of time for this, your poor daughter was already put in an uncomfortable situation way out of her comfort zone and maturity. I wouldn't have any more unsupervised time between the two if them


 

fammatthews4
by Trisha on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

If you are concerned that more than just a kiss happened then up the supervision.  I personally wouldn't have let them leave the room where the adults were.  If they want be with someone of the opposite sex at that age (mine didn't) they would be 100% adult supervised.  If his parents are ok with them being unsupervised then she wouldn't be allowed over their anymore. 

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jan. 29, 2013 at 12:33 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

She is only 13, wayyyyy too young IMO to have a boyfriend esp ANY time unsupervised. Of course she looked uncomfortable, she's obviously too young to make any type of decision about "making out". Go with your gut, you are the parent yes tell her what you want to....she is too young to have a boyfriend, ect? What is the rush? There is plenty of time for this, your poor daughter was already put in an uncomfortable situation way out of her comfort zone and maturity. I wouldn't have any more unsupervised time between the two if them

I agree.    I will add that the next time the two of them get together, ask your DD what she would like to do?   Maybe you can take them to a movie, or skating or play games with the family.  




Jinx-Troublex3
by Bronze Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:43 PM
1 mom liked this

My 14 yo DS just had his first girlfriend this past summr. It only lated a couple of months because she lived just over an hour away and neither had a way to travel often.

It sounds like things are OK with your DD but why encourage temptation. That is one rule that will always stand in my house - not opposite sex friends in the bedroom. Only in common areas of the house. PERIOD.

His GF came up for a visit and came over. they wanted to go watch anime in DS room..NOPE... you can use my computer in the office which is open to the living room where her parents and I were visting.

xoxRachelxox
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 2:03 PM
1 mom liked this

I think it's fine that she has a boyfriend, I don't think it's okay for her to be around him unsupervised. If you want to show her you trust her, wait until she' older. 13 almost 14 is too young.

LuckyMom822
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 4:41 PM

Thank you all for your advice! I agree 100%.

They do live over an hour away from one another so the only way they are around each other is if one of the parents offer to drive them somewhere. This particular day I drove her to his house, picked him up, went shopping at the mall and out to eat. It was when we got back to his house that he mentioned playing a game which was in the game room. His parents seemed okay with it but I did not. But I stopped myself from telling her no because I wanted to see if she would say no. Unfortunately, she made the wrong decision. It wasn't until last night that a friend told me that possibly my lack of telling her no was what made her think that it was okay. So I will take the blame for that one. I just want her to make the right decisions all the time, not just when a parent is there to tell her what the right decision is. I guess that comes with maturity. Obviously, she is not mature enough.

With all of your advice and with the email I received today from one of her teachers about her grades dropping, this relationship just came to an abrupt halt (along with any other relationships that she may think about starting). She is an only child and has always acted more mature than other kids her age. I have always put a lot of responsibility on her and pushed her to be independent and strong. Obviously, she just isn't mature enough to handle this. Wish me luck!! I'm sure I will be getting a lot of mean looks and muttered words thrown my way tonight. She knows I love her unconditionally and we do have a great relationship with open communication. I'm hopeful it will remain that way.


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