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Strict Parenting or Strict When Needed parenting?

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  My parents were ridiculously strict and I rebelled. I never did anything really stupid like sex and drugs but I rebelled in other ways. If I was grounded, I would jump out my bedroom window and hang out with my friends anyway. If  they didn't like my B, then by God they were going to love that C I was deliberately going to get on my next report card. I was stubborn and spiteful and I gave my parents a run for their money. Eventually, things got so heated, we just couldn't live together anymore. I moved out and moved in with a family friend. She had already raised two teeangers and knew exactly what to do. She left me alone! She praised my good behavior, gave me disapproving looks when I got mouthy. She never said one harsh word to me. The punishment always fit the crime and I knew that I was punished with love. I never got in any trouble again.

  So now I have my own teenager to raise and I am faced with this issue. Which route should I take? Strict, strict when needed, or lenient parenting? When she was younger, I chose strict when needed parenting.  But now that she is a teenager, I get heat from other parents who say I need to lay down the law when she does something that I think is harmless teenage craziness.  Okay, she was cranky and a little rude this morning when she woke up. Big deal. I should ground her for not being a morning person? Uhh..no.

  So my question is:

Are you an advocate of strict, strict when needed, or lenient parenting? Why?

Is your parenting style a result of your parent's style?


by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:04 PM
Replies (31-40):
Jebekarue
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 5:29 PM

My parents were not strict, but they had rules in place and expected us to follow them.  They weren't crazy rules either. 

It's funny because I am over protective, but I don't keep my kids under lock and key and I was just told the other day that I smother my kids by my friend that is staying with us. 

We have all been telling her son who just turned 13 to put a jacket on and the other night he and my son were outside playing basketball and both had taken their shirts off.  It was about 50-55 degrees, light breeze blowing and damp.  I yelled at both the boys since we all just got over the flu.  Her son comes running inside crying to her that I got on to him then she proceeded to bitch me out because she said it wasn't cold outside.  She says I don't get on to them for shit like that, I said you don't get on to them for ANYTHING,  her son got caught smoking, and having sex, yes at 12 years old!!!!  you think he is grounded hell no!!!  She says well I dont smother my kids...umm excuse me its not smothering its called PARENTING!!! I give my children the tools and information to help them come to a decision to protect themselves and make the correct decisions and not just let them run around like a bunch of idiots and damn the consequences of their actions.  Her son came in just yesterday huffing and puffing from running back here from the park and I said see what smoking does to you!!! He didn't say a word. 

her 15 yr old daughter and her friend got hit by a car while double heading.  She told the police officer and me that she did not even know the laws for bike riders.  The schools don't teach that, that is a parents responsibility.  She says her mother doesn't even know the rules.  Thankfully the girls are ok but all I can think about is if her mother would be a PARENT and teach her children it might not have happened.

ONE MORE DAY!!!!  WOOOHOOOO

MamaSnaps
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 5:47 PM


Quoting Jebekarue:

My parents were not strict, but they had rules in place and expected us to follow them.  They weren't crazy rules either. 

It's funny because I am over protective, but I don't keep my kids under lock and key and I was just told the other day that I smother my kids by my friend that is staying with us. 

We have all been telling her son who just turned 13 to put a jacket on and the other night he and my son were outside playing basketball and both had taken their shirts off.  It was about 50-55 degrees, light breeze blowing and damp.  I yelled at both the boys since we all just got over the flu.  Her son comes running inside crying to her that I got on to him then she proceeded to bitch me out because she said it wasn't cold outside.  She says I don't get on to them for shit like that, I said you don't get on to them for ANYTHING,  her son got caught smoking, and having sex, yes at 12 years old!!!!  you think he is grounded hell no!!!  She says well I dont smother my kids...umm excuse me its not smothering its called PARENTING!!! I give my children the tools and information to help them come to a decision to protect themselves and make the correct decisions and not just let them run around like a bunch of idiots and damn the consequences of their actions.  Her son came in just yesterday huffing and puffing from running back here from the park and I said see what smoking does to you!!! He didn't say a word. 

her 15 yr old daughter and her friend got hit by a car while double heading.  She told the police officer and me that she did not even know the laws for bike riders.  The schools don't teach that, that is a parents responsibility.  She says her mother doesn't even know the rules.  Thankfully the girls are ok but all I can think about is if her mother would be a PARENT and teach her children it might not have happened.

ONE MORE DAY!!!!  WOOOHOOOO

Now had he told me he wasn't wearing a helmet on his bike? He'd have had no bike. If he were in danger, breaking a law or serious rule, endangering someone else? OK. As for the other kid? getting onto someone else's kid for something that is not an offense is kind of over the top

I totally agree with parenting and 'getting onto' the kids about a lot of things-we're pretty strict, but if 50 degrees and putting a coat on while playing basketball is what you are worrying about? It's getting pretty helicopter parent. Cold doesn't cause illness. Germs do. Besides that if you were worried because you'd had illness in your house, then you get on your kid, but someone elses you tell him that you think he needs to put a coat on and if he doesn't let it go. You'll just raise your blood pressure. If he was hurting, endangering, breaking a law all of those things? I am all about getting firm with anyone's kid. 

Sometimes you have to choose your battles. We have one who refused to wear a coat in the 30 degree weather recently. He only wanted to wear his heavy duty hoodie. The bus broke down. He now wears a coat. We debated, he wasn't giving and a coat is not something worth battling over. He learned a lesson by his own hand and it sure sunk in more than me telling him he had to wear a coat. 


LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 3:57 PM

She does well when left to her own devices but I monitor from afar. If I see that she needs me to step in, I do. I choose my battles and she is a sweet kid (except for those morning attitudes). I think of parenting like a bridge. The kid is the car. Parents have to lower the rails on the bridge sometimes. If the parent sees that the child is getting close to the edge and is in danger, then the parent will raise the rails and set the car / kid back on track. Some of my adult acquaintances (including the ex husband) think you should keep the rails up and sit in the passenger seat so they can grab the wheel. I think that this is inappropriate parenting for my child because she hates it when her dad hovers and suffocates.

Quoting amonkeymom:

I think you need to come up with a happy medium and recognize that what works with one child will not always worth with another.  Does your daughter focus better when she has strict discipline or does she do better when left more to her own devices?

Quoting LuckyMom822:

  My parents were ridiculously strict and I rebelled. I never did anything really stupid like sex and drugs but I rebelled in other ways. If I was grounded, I would jump out my bedroom window and hang out with my friends anyway. If  they didn't like my B, then by God they were going to love that C I was deliberately going to get on my next report card. I was stubborn and spiteful and I gave my parents a run for their money. Eventually, things got so heated, we just couldn't live together anymore. I moved out and moved in with a family friend. She had already raised two teeangers and knew exactly what to do. She left me alone! She praised my good behavior, gave me disapproving looks when I got mouthy. She never said one harsh word to me. The punishment always fit the crime and I knew that I was punished with love. I never got in any trouble again.

  So now I have my own teenager to raise and I am faced with this issue. Which route should I take? Strict, strict when needed, or lenient parenting? When she was younger, I chose strict when needed parenting.  But now that she is a teenager, I get heat from other parents who say I need to lay down the law when she does something that I think is harmless teenage craziness.  Okay, she was cranky and a little rude this morning when she woke up. Big deal. I should ground her for not being a morning person? Uhh..no.

  So my question is:

Are you an advocate of strict, strict when needed, or lenient parenting? Why?

Is your parenting style a result of your parent's style?


TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 1:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like you ought to follow what worked for you, if she is like you.  I have regretted the more authoritarian approach with my oldest. 

stressmum
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Hi I'm strict with my son only when he needs it but I'm always there when he needs me as well. There is a line between mum and being a friend. Sometimes he can talk about things such as sex or girls but others he goes to dad. If I feel that he needs to be grounded I do, I'm not popular but which parent is. My parents were strict but again only if I needed it and dad used the belt so there was not a lot of bad behaviour in the house because it hurt!!! I can still feel it.

I know some people even today still use this particular punishment but thats their choice not mine. Use your gut feeling and yes we all make mistakes but hey life as a parent is a learning curve.punching

PurpleHazey
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:58 AM



Quoting mumsy2three:

I am somewhere in between. I am the strict one when compared to my husband.


This is where I am, I do not believe nit picking will help a teen....The teens know what they can get away with and they know how far they can get. One can be a strict as they want but all teens will go as far as they want.

PurpleHazey
by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:58 AM
1 mom liked this

Staying in the middle is where I am!

gypsy30
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 12:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 I am not, nor was, a strict parent.  I let my kids, when they were teens, make a lot of their own choices, and mistakes.  They are better for it, I think.  They are both responsible, good kids.  My dd was kind of wild, and I did do more stepping in with her than I have my son.  If it was something that could potentially be harmful to her or her well-being, I was all over it.  But, I'm glad I did things the way I did.  My kids will talk to me about anything, and I like that.  It keeps me more informed about what's going on in their lives, what they're thinking, what they're doing, and they've never had to sneak around me to do things.  I know people who were really strict and when their kids left home, they went berserk.  One family, in particular, was very strict.  They had 3 kids.  Those three kids are so messed up now.  One is a bad drug addict.  Another went on to do drugs and basically turned into a prostitute.  Their 3rd one is in prison for bank robbery.  And you would have never thought any of that would have happened when they were in high school.  Their parents stifled them so much, it was terrible. 

When I was a kid, my mom and stepdad were somewhat strict too.  I couldn't talk to her about anything, and if I wanted to have any fun, I usually had to sneak around, like you.  I DID NOT want to be the parent my mom and stepdad were.  I did not want to have the relationship with my kids that I had with my parents.  And I don't.  Mine is much healthier with my kids than mine was with my mom and dad.

emmy526
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 12:21 PM
1 mom liked this

i believe in picking my battles...hair color is not a battle to me, as that fad wears off...being promiscuous is not negotiable to me. I will not allow my dd's out of the house looking trashy, nor do they hang on the street corners because of 'nothing to do'.  They have plenty to do around the house for fun, and know how to entertain themselves.    We also do not allow disrespectful language towards either parent either, as that will get them unpleasant consequences, such as more chores, or  no 'treats' either......, and they have had to learn the hard way what 'hard times' really means, which i believe has helped shape their outlook of the real world and how life can change in the blink of an eye.   

I am a lot different than my mother, and a lot like my father. 

Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 6:09 PM
1 mom liked this

Strict when needed.  You're trying to raise a competent, independent adult.  They will make mistakes.  They'll do stupid stuff.  They'll be moody (which I never punished at all, lots of adutls are moody as well).

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