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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

At my wits end with dd **EDITED to add info.**

Posted by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:41 PM
  • 10 Replies

My dd just turned 13 a couple weeks ago. She wanted a Facebook page last summer for the games, I said no. I think she is too young. Around noon today I got a friend invite, from my dd. But she didn't friend my dh, well dh asked her why he didn't get a friend invite, she starts acting all dumb and innocent. Lying strait to his face. When I asked her about it, she says she never friend-ed me, she didn't set up the account, lies! She did tell me the email for it tho. So at this point she lost her phone (smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer (not connected to internet) and all computer privileges, not even for school. I told her she has until Sunday to really clean her room, then MAYBE she could have a few things back... Later tonight I talked to her, told her she needs to look at things what she wants now and in the future and see how lying is going to affect those things. Saddest part is none of this will change anything. A few days from now she'll be lying again. I don't know what to do, how to get thru to her. Please help me ladies!! Thanks in advance.

**My  dd has always been trustworthy, she has all this stuff because she has always been so trustworthy.  She is very mature for her age, cares about me more than herself, always has (I have a lot of health issues) she's always trying to take care of me.  She gets one on one time with me several times a month, she also has ono on one time with dh for sure once a month.  She always does her chores without being reminded.  The last issue we had she was told,  'if you don't clean your room by supper time, you will be grounded for 1 month' (no tv, computer or stereo) she didn't clean her room, so she was grounded for 1 month.  She got a tv, ipod and her phone for Christmas, NOT all from dh and I.  During the summer she is outside  most of the time, it's just in the winter that she's inside most of the time (we live in MN so it's cold, snowy and icy).  We live in the country in a small town (in her grade there are 74 students) so that makes things more difficult too...  We have always thought she's such a good kid, and she really is, just this lying all of a sudden...

by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:41 PM
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Jinx-Troublex3
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:52 PM

The, "A few days from now she wil lbe lying to me again." is the part that has me worried.  It sounded like your consequences are decent but maybe you aren't following through long enough and she knows you are wishy-washy. .

You can't tell her "maybe" for getting things returned. Set specific rewards and consequences. She has to do ALL her chores and homework WITHOUT REMINDERS for an entire week to earn one item back. When she canmaintain the chores/homework AND show she is being responsible for the one item, THEN give her a second. Each infraction, loses one item.

I would also require community service - make it something enjoyable or meaningful to her, even let her pick..  but it HAS to be done. Homeless shelter, animal shelter, community garden, theraputic riding stable, something that makes her consider others beside herself.  She may end up finding something she lonves :)

While all this is happening, take her out for one on one time. Go get a manicure or a starbucks and TALK to her. Some people find it easier to talk while in the car driving around so take her to run errands or talk to her on the way to a friend's house or whatevr. You need to work with her and be honest with her to expect the same in return.

Jinx - Homeschooling, Scouting & Karate butt-kicking  Mom to Star Scout Ian 1/98, Scout Sean 9/00, Junior GS Heidi 4/03. Wife to Joe & Alpha to German Shepherd Spazz.

sabrtooth1
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:08 PM

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer

Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:22 AM

Oh I think (most) teen girls deserve a chance to make an idiot out of themselves in the mirror to their favourite songs on the stereo ;) God knows we all did.

Quoting sabrtooth1:

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer

Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 



bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Jan. 31, 2013 at 2:56 AM
1 mom liked this
How old are your children? While I do agree with the computer supervised in a central location at this age, just because a teen has a TV, phone and iPod does NOT mean she will be sending out nude text messages to boys. Give me a break! My kids had the same privileges and we had no such problems. It depends on the child and the circumstance. This Mom is reaching out for help with her DD lying no need to jump to conclusions and have snap judgements, ridiculous!

Quoting sabrtooth1:

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer


Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 

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babylove1979
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:35 AM
Thank you bizzeemom2717. And I forgot to add that the computer with internet is in an open space, I can see the screen from the kitchen, dining room and living room, all she uses it for is homework...

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

How old are your children? While I do agree with the computer supervised in a central location at this age, just because a teen has a TV, phone and iPod does NOT mean she will be sending out nude text messages to boys. Give me a break! My kids had the same privileges and we had no such problems. It depends on the child and the circumstance. This Mom is reaching out for help with her DD lying no need to jump to conclusions and have snap judgements, ridiculous!



Quoting sabrtooth1:

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer



Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 

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fammatthews4
by Trisha on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:41 AM
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Sabrtooth1, if I remember right your kids are all grown, so why in God's name do you insist on being in this group and doing nothing but dishing out critism to those of us trying to raise teens in a totally different environment than what you raised yours in.  I personally am getting tired of your negative responses.

Quoting sabrtooth1:

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer

Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 


kthomasson
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:18 AM

I would definitely set limits on the grounding.  Something our son's therapist has told us (we have a teen with RAD and a few teen daughters as well) is that you have to set limits on when they will be un-grounded and it has to be reasonable.  As much as I hate that when I'm angry over something they've done, I know she's right......  Ground her and let her earn each of them back each week for good behavior.

Also, just an FYI.......often kids will "add" these facebook accounts either at school or their friends houses.  You can deactive the fb account but I don't think you can delete it.  I would go on your home computer and put user profiles in for each of your family members.  Norton Online Family is FREE and you can set limits for each family member.  You can restrict based on their age, set time limits, restrict them from using certain websites (facebook), or going to questionable sites (porn, gambling, etc.- not that it's been an issue bu nice to have!), and also keep them from entering private info they shouldn't like their age, address, home phone, school, etc.  It also will tell you if they enter an incorrect age on a website as if they're trying to falsify their date to get past something.  we use it for our kids and trust me it can be a pain sometimes when it blocks too much but when they are doing actual homework and get blocked access I just log on to my account when I'm there or they do the work at school.  It's amazing how well it works :)

Good luck!  Believe me, it's better to be overly cautious than not. Our girls didn't get on facebook til they were 16 and looking at their friends who were on before- it was a darn good thing.  Kids just don't always use the best judgement.  You know your child, do what you think is best, Momma!!!

IndianaWynette
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 8:50 AM

 I Agree!!!@!

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

How old are your children? While I do agree with the computer supervised in a central location at this age, just because a teen has a TV, phone and iPod does NOT mean she will be sending out nude text messages to boys. Give me a break! My kids had the same privileges and we had no such problems. It depends on the child and the circumstance. This Mom is reaching out for help with her DD lying no need to jump to conclusions and have snap judgements, ridiculous!

Quoting sabrtooth1:

smart phone we got her for Christmas) her TV, her stereo, iPod, her computer


Why in God's name does a 12yo (JUST turned 13) have all this?  Why are you then surprised she lies to you?  A few months from now, you will be one of those moms on here flabberghasted that her dd is sending naked pics of herself around the internet, and arranging to meet men twice her age.  Get RID of all the devices, and have this child connect with the real world.   All a kid this age needs, is a small cell with emergency only minutes, and RESTRICTED ACCESS to the family computer, which is in a centrally located place, and which you monitor over her shoulder, continuously. 

 

fammatthews4
by Trisha on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:19 AM

How long has she been lying like this?  Is this a new behavior?  Have you considered family counceling?  If this is a new behavior there may be something behind it, if she won't confide in you and your DH then she may confide in a councelor.

MamaSnaps
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 9:51 AM
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So, I typed this long and detailed reply on my phone last night and then the darned thing just up and shut the page on me. LOL!

I think lying is a growing pain they all go through-some worse than others.
The thing is it makes us furious. Lying to us is one of those abhorrent behaviors and it pushes a very defined button for us. We respond with anger and the final "you broke the rule, you pay the price. THE END" kind of reaction. They only know it makes you angry with them, not the emotion and feeling that is behind that anger. They have no comprehension for that feeling-or very little of it yet.
You can explain to a kid why it's an abhorrent behavior, but their understanding the words doesn't make them understand the feeling and emotion behind why it is so bad.
It's kind of like if you tried to explain sight to a blind person. You can use every other sense to describe it, but they will still not ever comprehend the sense of sight unless they experience it. Kids at her age haven't experienced the things and emotions of what being lied to feels like. So, while they understand the words we say to them, they don't understand the emotion behind it until they've had the life experiences that make us feel that way.

Your DD is a very loving child that worries much about you. Try a different approach. I am not saying don't enforce the penalties and punishments that happen for lying-by all means do. But, let her experience your hurt and emotion. She cares very much about you and your feelings, your respect for her. Let her know how very hurt you are by it-not necessarily in words but in real emotion. If things make you cry-let her see that. I have a feeling it will have a pretty profound effect on a child like yours.

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