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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Am I helping or hurting my child?

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Background: My dd's school called last week. She has 5 F's! She has never had an f in her life. Turns out she has been texting and skypeing friends instead of doing homework. I don't get mad often but I got hot about that. She has lost her phone, iPad, iPod, and tv. She is also grounded. She must bring all grades up to a B before she gets her privileges back. This weekend was important because she had to make up all the homework she missed as well as do a research paper.


My issues:

DD did very little homework at her dads this weekend even though she had strict instructions to do so.

Exhusband had her from Friday to this morning (Sunday). He didn't stay on her about homework and did not review the work that she was supposedly doing. That really pissed me off!

I have been dealing with this homework and research paper for NINE hours today!! Ex went to his Super Bowl party but I had to miss mine.

Since the school called, I have been helping DD with homework, research paper, and studying for tests. BF and friends are saying I need to leave it to her and stop being so involved. They think I am hurting her and I should let her handle it on her own. 

I feel like I am being taken advantage of!


My question: What would you do in this situation?? 

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:41 PM
Replies (111-118):
lucsch
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:46 PM
1 mom liked this

This really is a parenting issue...a teenager should be responsible for his or her own homework without badgering from the parent. These skills should be taught in elementary school.

That being said, I see she is 13. This is a crazy age! My dh is a middle school principal, and he says girls go crazy at that age (boys tend to do this about a year later). She probably will need a little handholding to stay on task, but let her do the work. Sit in the room with her and ask her how is it going or notice when she is daydreaming.

It IS normal for socializing to take over schoolwork for this time in her life, but that does not mean you have to let it. She is obviously taking it too far, socializing to the point that she is failing.

You are doing the right thing. Try to get her dad on your side on this.

This will pass!

LuvingMy3Girls
by Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 4:50 PM
1 mom liked this
This. Take her stuff away but don't do her work. At this age they need to be responsible for there own work. ( I also have an 8th grade daughter)

Quoting annelauer:

As hard as it is, it is much better to let her fail and miss out on extracurriculars now than later. Assuming she wants to go to college, do you plan to be supervising her then? I highly recommend the "Parenting with Love and Logic" books. Real world consequences are the best way to learn responsibility. And the earlier the better. Good luck!
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LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 5:58 PM

It's nice to know that she is normal crazy! Haha! Thanks for helping me see that. I was hoping it was a phase. Maybe it will pass quickly. :)

Quoting lucsch:

This really is a parenting issue...a teenager should be responsible for his or her own homework without badgering from the parent. These skills should be taught in elementary school.

That being said, I see she is 13. This is a crazy age! My dh is a middle school principal, and he says girls go crazy at that age (boys tend to do this about a year later). She probably will need a little handholding to stay on task, but let her do the work. Sit in the room with her and ask her how is it going or notice when she is daydreaming.

It IS normal for socializing to take over schoolwork for this time in her life, but that does not mean you have to let it. She is obviously taking it too far, socializing to the point that she is failing.

You are doing the right thing. Try to get her dad on your side on this.

This will pass!


LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:08 PM

UPDATE: Some of her grades from last week have been posted online and she brought three of her F's up to C's. One F came up but still an F. The last F hasn't changed because grades haven't been entered yet. Not bad for a week's worth of hard work. She is very proud of herself! :) Tonight she gets her tv back and can call one friend tonight AFTER everything is done. She has two tests tomorrow and she is expecting to ace oneyou rock 

bexsmum
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I haven't read all the responses but this is her fault and she needs to realize that. If that means no sports or ex curriculars then so be it she will learn the hard way.There is no way we can FORCE a child to pass a course we can have consequences if they fail but we can't force success. When my Dd was in 10th grade she was failing math and was told in no uncertain terms if you fail A) you will switch to a school that has has math all yr verse semester , B) you will not be doing any sports because you can't keep up with the work ,C) your summer camp for cadets which she was being paid to go to was going to be cancelled and summer school would be what she was doing. 

Low and behold she passed that class but with a lot of extra work, and tutoring that she set up herself with her peers. Her boyfriend at the time was in 12th grade and at track meets they would be studying and going over her homework,they went to different school but had joint coaches for track. The track coach took to checking her grades on a weekely basis as well and if there were problems he stepped in with extra help as well. Give her concreate things that will happen if your expectaions aren't meant and stick with it . She is old enought to take the responsibility to get the stuff done and handed in on time.

Lorriane
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

I would take away all privileges away and make sure that they are doing everything that they need to get caught up without me doing any of it at all. My rule for my teenagers is if you got yourself into the mess you need to get yourself out of it.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:27 AM
1 mom liked this

You should have gone to your Super Bowl party.    Her schoolwork is HER responsibility.   She should have done it at her Dad's.    If she knows you will help her, what incentive does she have to do it herself?   If she doesn't get it done, it is on her.




BlueSc00ter
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:21 AM
1 mom liked this

Make her do it herself.  She got herself into this boat, she needs to get herself out.  Tell her you will check in at specified times and if you don't see progress...i e she is goofing off, you WILL NOT help her, however, if she is making progress, you will answer questions or proofread and such to make sure it is the best it can be but still be HER work.  If she is goofing off and not making progress, then I would let her fail a quarter...She probably doesn't think you will let that happen, but if it is just one quarter in 8th grade, it is not the end of the world.  

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