Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

14 year old daughter with anger and anxiety...

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM
  • 15 Replies

Hi, I am a a stay at home mom of a 14 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter.  My issue is my 14 year old.  She has extreme anxiety, and in the past year, has anger issues at home.  When she gets into a blind rage, usually over nothing major, she hits and punches her father, kicks doors and walls, and throws things, not to mention the horrible names she calls us.  I am by far a pushover, always had a good balance of discipline and raised my girls well.  She is angry at her father because he has been emotionally absent and unavailable for most of her life.  I love my girls, and the thought of her going to a group home will kill me.  I have called the police twice already, as I was afraid someone would get hurt in one her rages.  They told me the next time I call, that they are taking her with them.  I have started therapy with her, so she can deal with her anger.  She is in an all girls private school, and has alot of peer pressure from the girls.  I want to remove her from there and start fresh next september.  She is adamant about staying of course, but I know in the end, this is not her decision.  Her grades have always been great, and lately, she is failing 3 subjects.  We just found out last week she has mild scoliosis, no treatment necessary.  She is in chronic back and neck pain but the doctor says its not relevant to the condition, and its probably stress related.  She can barely sit still in class without wiggling in her chair and trying to massage her back.  Hard to focus in class.  My major concern is the the violent outburts, I fear that this is just the beginning, and shudder to think what she will be like at 16!

Her last outburst was a few days ago, and I have punished her from attending a high school dance this week end. I have also grounded her until March break.  She has left me no choice, and according to the therapist, my punishment is still too weak.  I am sticking to this, as in the past I do waffle, and let her off the hook.  I know that this is an issue.  Consequences must be taken for her actions.  She kicked and punched her father repeatedly and called him a f***** bas***d..  Totally unacceptable.

I feel like a failure of a mom, I don't understand how this could happen.  I am far from perfect, but have always been a loving supportive mom.  I lost my mom at 5 years old, so being a mom of 2 girls has really been healing, it was important for me to stay home with them.  Sorry for the long email, I wonder if anyone else out there is going through the same issues?  Thanks for accepting me into your group!

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Grumpy on Feb. 6, 2013 at 10:15 AM

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Does her therapist say why she is acting like this?  This doesn't sound like normal behavior.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:02 AM

Im sorry things are so rough right now for you all and I'm sorry to go to this place, but have any medications been tried for your daughter?  Is she able to communicate with you after she has gotten over her rage as to why she is so angry?  Continue to love her and continue to stay strong, wishing you all the best.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:22 PM

What kind of therapy?  With WHO? What is her diagnosis?  Something is not right here.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:34 PM

Yes, I have gone through this with my 14 yo dd.  She has done the mouthy (not swearing) but other name calling & sassing galore. Power/control trips. We have never had any physical abusive issues to herself or others or breaking/hitting things, etc but the mouthiness was still abusive. It has been 3 months & she has handled her problem & things are good.  There is help but your dd has to want to get better. We sent her to a psychologist & withheld privileges. She wouldn't talk to her and kept saying her life was fine, everything is fine.  We tried 6 sessions & got nowhere so we stopped but told her that if she acts out again we will take her back. At that time she had her grades go down which had never happened before that bad, but has gotten them up and they have stayed up so far. It appears she has turned herself around but time will tell. I feel for you, it's been a horrible time to go through & we have had troubles with her attitude, power struggles for 2 years & this is the longest she has gone without being mouthy.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:51 PM

I am going through  the same anger issues and anxiety  with my 14 year old son. He too goes into blind rages and also uses pretty foul language at us. He was put on zoloft, but it doesn't seem to help. The doctor said he needs counseling for anger management. It is really  rough over here on a daily basis. The slightest thing can set him off. Now he is starting to get physical with my husband just to see how far he can take it.

At a loss about what to do. Hugs to you! This is really hard.

by Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:12 PM
As hard at is you cannot allow this behavior to continue. She needs a hard lesson as in police when she assaults someone and charges filed. If you dont do it now it will continue. I have a 17 yo dd who kept getting into trouble and it took her being sentenced to boot camp to turn her around. The biggest difference is the respect is there now. This was not an easy road but it could have been worse. I wish you the best.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:32 PM

I can't say I am going through the exact same thing but I am going through something similar. I have to give you a huge pat on the back for getting her into counseling that's a great step in the right direction! So far in this house my daughter has been forced to become a hermit (no social life at all), been banned from the winter formal dance, and told that she cannot go with the rest of the band on the trip to New York. The only time away from parents is when she is in school, I am even there during her voice lesson. Next to go is the texting feature on her phone (she has been spending 12 or more hours texting one person) and after that then we will find more things to take away. She has been told what she has to do to start getting privilages back.

 I am just like you in that I am a major push over and usually cave, but she has learned the hard way that it's not going to happen this time. Her dad and I are in constant communucation (we are divorced and both of us are remarried) and both of us are in constant contact with her teachers.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 5:13 PM

Thank you all for your resonse and support.  I think I really need support now, as things are getting out of hand, and its good to know there are others who are in my situation.  Allow me to give you a bit of info about my daughter.

She is 14.  Goes to an all girls, private school.  Always been a strong student.  Has worked for the past 2 summers as a C.I.T. (councellor in training) at a summer camp (without pay, as its volunteer).  She is a gifted pianist, has been taking dance lessons for 10 years, and is working every saturday morning as a dance instructor for 1-2 hours.  She teaches kids hip hop and ballet. She is an avid reader, writes poetry, and is extremely eloquent in her speech (except when she is swearing at us!)  All of her teachers describe her as a polite, intelligent, focused young lady, and very mature.  Go figure!!

She never has these angry outbursts at school or anywhere else.  She obviously feels comfortable letting loose at home.  Its worse right before her period.  She can be downright scary, no joke.  The violent outbursts are getting more frequent and more violent.  No one would believe it, as she comes off as cool as a cucumber, and so mature, and put together. She has alot of anxiety, and OCD issues, which the therapist will be dealing with.  We just started, so we have not gotten far yet.  All to say, she has full control outside of the house, as she has proven, but her anger and violence is going to get her in big trouble if she cannot learn the tools necessary to channel her anger.  She is in constant back and neck pain, as she is so tense, this does not help her mood. I am constantly disconecting the internet and cell phone service as she is on twitter for hours every night, and her grades are starting to slip. Her friends?  Another story all together....they are all sexually active, have done everything except intercourse. They are 14 years old as well...    I am troubled that she chooses these types of girls.  She is under enourmous peer pressure and its affecting her. 

I am giving her until June to bring up her grades, if not, I am switching schools. She will fight me tooth and nail, but in the end, I am the parent.  Grades are important, and next year being secondary 4 (grade 10) is super important as these marks go in the college applications.  I really feel like she needs a change of environment, as her friends are creating alot of stress for her.

We don not hit her, never did.  We do yell alot, I won't lie.  My life is hell right now, and I am getting nowhere fast.  I walk on eggshells, never knowing when the next outburst will be, and if the police will be called.  The police came twice already. 

Thanks for listening to my rant, I am happy to hear from anyone who is also struggling with teens!

by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 8:28 AM

My dd had the same rage, anxiety but it was symptoms of something bigger adhd.  Very  frustrating but even more for a child living it, not to say that is what ur dd has but a therapist should be able to evaluate, rule out and diagnose. My dd 18 now has learned to manage esp her anger.  I would suggest continuing to work with a therapist.  I would definitely negotiate a contract with a 14 yr old.  The grounding, taking away things etc didn't work with my dd.  She didn't care.  Communication is key b/c most teens feel like they are not being understood.  Work on listening skills, once I started to listen to my dd things got a whole lot better. (HUGS)

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:34 AM

I am sorry you are having theses issues.  I was just like her at her age and now have a ss who had the same issues as well.  I recomend therapy for her AND her dad TOGETHER and seperatly for them both.  He may be against it but it will help.  I had animosity, anger, frustration with mine (avid drunk) and no matter how much I talked about it to other people it didn't help.  The fact that she is throwing herself into so many activities leads me to believe that she is doing anything to stay away from the house.  This is not good.  The two of them need to figure out where it all went wrong and try to mend bridges.  It wasn't until last month that I was able to finally forgive my father for all that he did/didn't do during my childhood.  I am still trying to get my DH to go to talk with someone with my SS.  I hope this helps your family.  Good luck and chin up.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)