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14 year old daughter with anger and anxiety...

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Hi, I am a a stay at home mom of a 14 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter.  My issue is my 14 year old.  She has extreme anxiety, and in the past year, has anger issues at home.  When she gets into a blind rage, usually over nothing major, she hits and punches her father, kicks doors and walls, and throws things, not to mention the horrible names she calls us.  I am by far a pushover, always had a good balance of discipline and raised my girls well.  She is angry at her father because he has been emotionally absent and unavailable for most of her life.  I love my girls, and the thought of her going to a group home will kill me.  I have called the police twice already, as I was afraid someone would get hurt in one her rages.  They told me the next time I call, that they are taking her with them.  I have started therapy with her, so she can deal with her anger.  She is in an all girls private school, and has alot of peer pressure from the girls.  I want to remove her from there and start fresh next september.  She is adamant about staying of course, but I know in the end, this is not her decision.  Her grades have always been great, and lately, she is failing 3 subjects.  We just found out last week she has mild scoliosis, no treatment necessary.  She is in chronic back and neck pain but the doctor says its not relevant to the condition, and its probably stress related.  She can barely sit still in class without wiggling in her chair and trying to massage her back.  Hard to focus in class.  My major concern is the the violent outburts, I fear that this is just the beginning, and shudder to think what she will be like at 16!

Her last outburst was a few days ago, and I have punished her from attending a high school dance this week end. I have also grounded her until March break.  She has left me no choice, and according to the therapist, my punishment is still too weak.  I am sticking to this, as in the past I do waffle, and let her off the hook.  I know that this is an issue.  Consequences must be taken for her actions.  She kicked and punched her father repeatedly and called him a f***** bas***d..  Totally unacceptable.

I feel like a failure of a mom, I don't understand how this could happen.  I am far from perfect, but have always been a loving supportive mom.  I lost my mom at 5 years old, so being a mom of 2 girls has really been healing, it was important for me to stay home with them.  Sorry for the long email, I wonder if anyone else out there is going through the same issues?  Thanks for accepting me into your group!

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Replies (11-15):
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 9:46 AM

I have a 13 yo and while I have not experienced the situations that you have described, we did go thru a time where we were arguing alot.  I realized I am the adult and needed to change my behavior before I could demand she change hers.  I read the book how to behave so your children will, and honestly it did help.  When we disagree now I make sure to speak calmly, even when I want to scream, and this seems to bring down her temperment too.  If I don't let the situation get out of control on my end, it does seem to fizzle.  With all that said, your daughter could have issues that need medication and therapy.  Get her evaluated and go from there.  Good Luck, you sound like a great mom and I am sure you will get this figured out!

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:37 AM

Thanks for your encouragement, my daughter and husband are in therapy, actually going tonight.  Her anger is always directed at him, as he has been emotionally absent from the family always.  Both my girls do not respect their father.  He has a home office, and hides in there all day and night.  Rarely has dinner with us, and when he is around, he creates drama with them. He realizes that he missed out on alot and he is trying to worm his way back into their lives, but they are not accepting this very easily.  Like most men, he has major commuication issues, and he also does not think before speaking and often the stuff that comes out of his mouth is pretty bad.  All to say, my priority now is to get my daughter to control her anger and violent outbursts.  Its normal to get angry but not normal to hit your parents, or call them names.  Loveonholly st. suggested that maybe my dauighter is purposely keeping busy to stay out of the house. This is not the case.  She is not doing more than most kids, been taking piano lessons since 5 years old, and dance lessons for 10 years.  These 2 activities are great for her as they help her to wind down, and de-stress.  She just got a saturday job as a dance instructor, and I think this is a great lesson for her as it teaches her responsibiity and give her alot of confidence.  I don't know too many 14 year olds who are dance instructors, its quite a boost to her self esteem.  For that I am proud of her.  She has accomplished alot for her age.  Like I mentioned in my previous post, she has OCD.  OCD is an anxiety disorder.  She will get treatment for that as well with the therapist we are with. She is also in chronic pain, neck and back.  Again, stress related.  Its too much for a 14 year old.  She asked me to sign her up for yoga classes.  Yoga is a great sress relief.  I will sign her up next week.  It cannot hurt.  She will learn to breathe, and relax, and in turn, her pain may go away, and hopefully her anxiety. Meanwhile, the issues with her father must be ironed out fast.  I never know when the next blow out is, and I have constant anxiety myself. I pray this will pass, as I don't want to send her to a group home.  She is so well behaved in other areas of her life, that it shows me that she has full control over herself when she wants to. 

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:41 AM
I grew up with a sister like this. When she was in her 20's she went to a few docs and got diagnosed with bipolar. She called to tell me and it made so much sense. She is Medicated now and a different person.

Best of luck to you.
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by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:43 AM

Of course I thought of bi polar, and if the therapist thinks she needs evaluating, then of course I won't rule that out. 

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:45 AM

just an fyi,not sure if this is true,someone told me if a child has a vitamin deficiency it can show up in his or hers moods. You can get her checked for that.

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