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I feel awful about it but I don't approve of my son's girlfriend

Posted by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:55 PM
  • 107 Replies

I really do feel awful about it.  My son is 16 and his girlfriend is 16 too.  Her mom and I are good friends.  She and my son "dated" about a year ago but she broke up with him after only a month or so.   A few months ago she sent inappropriate pictures of herself by text to a guy who allegedly threatened her. I don't really understand but I've heard that girls sometimes get harassed into doing these things by crummy guys.  My son's first reaction when he heard about this was that he was done with her.  That didn't last long.  Now they are "dating" again and I really don't like it at all.  He's not a perfect kid in any way shape, or form.  But he is a grounded, happy, easygoing kid.  She's not.  She's all drama, high maintenance and just basically a nervous wreck.  I know I can't pick my son's girlfriends but what advice can you give me?  Her parents love my son and have told her and me also for that matter, that they don't approve of her dating anyone else.  And btw, her role models, her parents, never dating anyone but each other.  Please help.

by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:55 PM
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lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:59 PM
46 moms liked this

kill her with kindness. Invite her to everything. encourage her to spend lots of time with you and family. Be kind and courteous to her. What you described  about her is pretty common for girls her age. Don't hold the nasty pics against her. Teens make poor choices Hopefully she learned from it like she is supposed to.

atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Its not gonna last.
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CrazyLife1996
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:44 PM
3 moms liked this
Yep I agree.


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

kill her with kindness. Invite her to everything. encourage her to spend lots of time with you and family. Be kind and courteous to her. What you described  about her is pretty common for girls her age. Don't hold the nasty pics against her. Teens make poor choices Hopefully she learned from it like she is supposed to.


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mzval15
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:44 PM
1 mom liked this

And the purpose of killing her with kindness is  what?  I'm not judging her.  I made mistakes myself in high school.  And I'm not a meanspirited person.  She broke up with him before and now that they are together again she doesn't treat him as though she has any interest at all in being his girlfriend, it's more like she's just doing it to make her parents happy.  I really don't see how acting as though I'm happy about this relationship is going to help at all.

lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:15 PM
5 moms liked this


Quoting mzval15:

And the purpose of killing her with kindness is  what?  I'm not judging her.  I made mistakes myself in high school.  And I'm not a meanspirited person.  She broke up with him before and now that they are together again she doesn't treat him as though she has any interest at all in being his girlfriend, it's more like she's just doing it to make her parents happy.  I really don't see how acting as though I'm happy about this relationship is going to help at all.

 Because you should make the best of a "bad situation"  what's the alternative? to be rude or forbid him to see her ? You really dont know what her interest is or not ? I think if you spend more time with her maybe you will begin to like her or maybe your son will see she isnt for him .

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:25 PM
4 moms liked this

I have sons, too.    I swore many years ago, that no matter who they bring home, I will accept and learn to love the girl because I have not intentions of losing my guys!

Your son is 16.   He is dating the girl, not marrying her.    Go with the flow.  




boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:32 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting mzval15:

And the purpose of killing her with kindness is  what?  I'm not judging her.  I made mistakes myself in high school.  And I'm not a meanspirited person.  She broke up with him before and now that they are together again she doesn't treat him as though she has any interest at all in being his girlfriend, it's more like she's just doing it to make her parents happy.  I really don't see how acting as though I'm happy about this relationship is going to help at all.

Making it known that you are unhappy about it may do more harm than good, though.  You don't want to put your son on the defensive.  He could stay with her just to spite you.    Ask him what he likes most about her.....but, don't say anything negative about her,  tell him your concerns.....talk about it, but be careful of your words.      Remember, many teens break up, get together again, and so on..  they are experimenting and experiencing relationships.




luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Why do you kill her with kindness? Because you are the adult, pretty simple.

Your complaints about her are, at best, are your opinion. So she screwed up, it happens with teenagers. 

You 'think' she's doing it because of her parents, but you don't 'know' that. Get to know her, giver the benefit of te doubt. Odd's are they won't last, but at least you will know it wasn't because of anything you did.

mzval15
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 9:59 PM
1 mom liked this

I have to say also there is more to the story than what i've explained.  That being said, I do think that talking about it and keeping the conversation going is a good idea.  I don't want to make the mistakes my mom made with me because when I was dating a guy that she disapproved of, she made her feelings extremely apparent to me and it really did damage to our relationship, at least temporarily.  It's just really hard that he can't see what's so obvious but I know he has to find his way on his own in life, and that includes relationships.  Thanks for the good advice.

drfink
by Emily on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:48 PM
2 moms liked this

 We had the same situation recently with my 16 y.o. son. I didn't interfere and was nice.He kind of figured I didn't care for her much ...none of his friends male and female did either...but when he asked I told him calmly a few concerns but let it go.Always treated her nicely.She blew it with him with all the endless drama.If she is all that you think she will blow it.If she is just a dumb kid that made a mistake hopefully she learned from it and will grow.

The mother in my case kind of helped end the relationship ,after they started dating her mom introduced him to everyone as her future son-i-l.They had just turned 16 and are soph in h.s. .Mom told him she knew they might eventually break up but after college she knew they would marry; she was serious she told me the same.My son was not flattered ,he has no interest in being a son-i-l for a long ,long time.He found it weird.

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