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dad and daughter relationship

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:20 AM
  • 16 Replies
My daughter Is sixteen and very strong willed. She is a good kid not the drinking or smoking just strong willed. Her and her father are of similar natures and always at each other. So much so she says she hates him. I think he is disapointed in her as she couldn't manage in a regular school so home schools and does well. He also accuses her of things and does not seem to trust her like I do. I am stuck in the middle as he says I must stand behind him, but I think he handles conflect wrong and how can I turn my back on her and make her feel hurt even more. This might break our family, that's how serious it is. She has also has found it hard to settle down here in south africa after growing up in Ireland. He says that is just a excuse but I know how she feels.That's also why she found the school system so difficult to settle in to.
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by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:44 AM

Then perhaps you and your husband need to be strong together and work out your own problems.  You mentioned "your" daughter, is she his or his step?

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:47 AM

You need to have a private discussion with your Dh.  What experience does he have to know how a teenage girl feels?    Has she given him any reason to not trust her?    Does he realize he is pushing her away?  You need to ask him the tough questions, calmly and rationally. 

A united front is important....but only works if you are both in agreement.   You need to get on the same page.




Roo1234
by Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:48 PM

How often have you and your husband sat down and talked (when tenision isn't high) about what is the best way to handle your daughter?  Talking to him when he isn't already upset and seeing your suggestions about his approach as criticism could go a long way.

Have you considered getting some family counseling?  

Have you considered seeing if there are any parenting classes in your area that you and your husband could take together?

jazzgirl205
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:37 PM

If your dd is so "strong willed" that she can't hack regular school or a relationship with her father, she is the one who needs to be addressed.  It also sounds like you coddle her and inhibit your dh from parenting.  Taking her side against her father is not doing her any favors.  She has to learn to get along with people in this world because adult life will not always go her way.  As for the father/daughter relationship - this is where she learns to get along with males.  This is how she learns how to treat men and what treatment to accept from them.  

For some reason, I get the idea that the move was his idea and you were against it.  Your dd's maladjustment just proves you right.  You do need to stand with him.  Moving to another country is a wonderful adventure and a great opportunity.  Your dd can reinvent herself to whoever she wants to be.  There will be no one in school who remembers what stupid thing she did in 2nd grade.  Strong will goes both ways.  DD can will herself to be something fantastic and imerse herself in the culture of the country.  She can see this as something exciting.

This summer, we moved from a highend urban gulf coast city to the remote mountains of Appalachia.  DD decided she was going to be fashionable and make straight A's.  I was astounded when she accomplished both so soon.  She's made friends and even a boyfriend.  This was not the case in her old school.  Even tho she is a high school freshman, the University of Paris has already expressed interest.  She has befriended a farmer and spends Sunday afternoons milking goats, making cheese, and caring for poultry.

I'm not saying these things to brag about my dd but to illustrate how attitude is everything.  The worst thing you can do is sympathize with her plight.  Moving to a different region is a wonderful adventure.  It's the thing novels are made of.  Please, please stand by your husband.  If you can teach your dd to step up to the plate and make the best of this, you will have taught her something virtuous and useful.  If you continue to hide her away and nurture her petulance, you will do her no favors and you will have taught her nothing.

skylerblue
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:39 AM
None of these posts are encouraging. My daughter is very popular, lots of friends and boyfriend. She gets on with everyone around her except her father. He talks to us badly as where I keep quite she doesn't. She has had a bad year last year and did not manage in school not because of being antisocial but as she grew up in another country she has found the schooling very different and because the school is so big compared to he schools she was used to. My husband handles things badly and won't listen to me. We run a business together so can't leave but would for my daughters sake if I could. She has done nothing to him not to trust her. He is always accusing one of us in doing something. I hate seeing my daughter so unhappy. Don't you think there are better ways in dealing with issues that yelling and causing fights. I would like to mend it as once my daughter is out the house, my husband won't see her. What he thinks we are the only family with teenagers that disobey. I wish I could show him everybody with teenagers have issues. Being a mother is hard and you wish you could run and hide. And I don't coddle as she would not allow that anyway.
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karen541
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:52 AM

Nuture your relationship with your daughter by spending time with her.  you and her will start to talk and this will give her the support she needs.  I would also you suggest you nuture your relationship with your husband, he maybe under pressure too.  Spend time with them individually.  Try and empathize with your husband and let your daughter know he does love her.  Good luck.xxxx

Sim04
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:28 AM

Your post hits home.  I have 2 teenage daughter, 14 and 17.  They are both well adjusted, social, smart girls, and they both do not get along with their father.  Its to the point where my 14 year old gets into rages and name calls him every name in the book.  My husband has been absent emotionally since they were little.  I raised them alone.  He has issues communicating, like most men, and whenever he speaks to the girls, it comes off sounding aggressive and arrogant, and they are at an age where they are fighting back.  He never spent any quality time with them when they were little, and I warned him to try do this before they reached their teens or we would be in trouble, and he did not listen.  He never listens.  Even if he calls them when dinner is ready, he sounds like he is yelling at them.  He can be verbally abusive and they have so much anger and rage towards him that I am suffering now in the household as well.  Trying to put a united front is important, but difficult.  We have started therapy, I insisted my husband go with my younger daughter.  My older one seems to have given up, she just started college, and has alot on her plate, and cannot be bothered, but she is bottling up her anger, not a good scenario.

I feel for you, I really do, as my once happy home is now a battle field every day.  I have been a stay at home mom since they are born.  I lost my mom at 5 years old, so it was imporant for me to raise my kids and be there for them.  I also have no extended family, so I was never able to count on anyone for help or babysitting, as my husband's work took him out of town alot.  I am not the type ot hire a perfect stranger to watch my kids.  They came with me to every doctor appointment, and everywhere I went.  Whethere I was bed ridden with the flu or just recovering from surgery, I was on my own.  My husband says he wants back into the family as he feels very left out, but the girls want nothing to do with him.  So much anger all around, I am getting depressed about this.  All my life I just wanted the family I never had, and now we deal with and angry teenager, and have to even call the police 3 times because of her anger towards her dad. 

Das is the first man they will ever love, and its sets the scene for their future relationships, and I worry about that.  You hear too many stories of young girls involved in abusive relationships, and I am trying to do damage control and speak to both of them so they don't ever take bullshit from any guy.  I hope I suceed.  In the meantime, my house is not a happy home, so I really feel for you.

The best advice is to get your husband to understand that the less he believes in his daughter the worse thinigs will get.  She needs to know that her dad thinks the world of her, because he shows distrust, then she will just go ahead and make some serious mistakes thinking "why not, thats what my dad thinks of me anyways".  Moving is an adjustment for anyone, let alone a teenager.  They don't have the tools needed to cope that quickly and adjust.  Takes time.  My family is on the verge of breaking because of the relationship between my girls and my husband.  I have convinced him to try therapy, but if this does not work, I told him I am leaving.  I cannot live like this, and its not healthy for anyone.  I know my husband has baggage that he has not dealt with, so he needs to come to terms with that.  He needs to free himself of whatever demons he has so he can love his family properly and be there for them.  If you can get your husband and daughter into therapy then its a start.  They need to see where this stems from and then start at zero again, with some ground rules.  It won't happen alone, you need intervention, just like we do.  Feel free to message me anytime, hang on.

jazzgirl205
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 11:57 AM

I'm very glad your dd is getting along in her new environment so well.  The post sounded as if she were hiding.  I guess the thing to do is talk to your dh.  Maybe he is unnerved about the move.  Tell him how important his relationship is to his dd's wellbeing and what you see happening.  Then listen to his text and subtext.  Make him understand how important it is to work this out.  It sounds like a great deal of compromise is in order.  Start with just the 2 of you then bring dd into the conversation.  I truly hope things get better. 


Quoting skylerblue:

None of these posts are encouraging. My daughter is very popular, lots of friends and boyfriend. She gets on with everyone around her except her father. He talks to us badly as where I keep quite she doesn't. She has had a bad year last year and did not manage in school not because of being antisocial but as she grew up in another country she has found the schooling very different and because the school is so big compared to he schools she was used to. My husband handles things badly and won't listen to me. We run a business together so can't leave but would for my daughters sake if I could. She has done nothing to him not to trust her. He is always accusing one of us in doing something. I hate seeing my daughter so unhappy. Don't you think there are better ways in dealing with issues that yelling and causing fights. I would like to mend it as once my daughter is out the house, my husband won't see her. What he thinks we are the only family with teenagers that disobey. I wish I could show him everybody with teenagers have issues. Being a mother is hard and you wish you could run and hide. And I don't coddle as she would not allow that anyway.



bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:43 PM
I'm sorry it sounds like really the issue is with your husbands own issues. If that's true there is nothing your DD can do differently to change him and yes if you stay with him in the marriage you will have to always be the one who is a shelter for her as if he's truly unreasonable and doesn't understand teen behavior she doesn't deserve or need to deal with his negativity. Good luck with everything and stay strong for your daughter.
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MrsBLB
by Missi on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:11 PM

This

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

I'm sorry it sounds like really the issue is with your husbands own issues. If that's true there is nothing your DD can do differently to change him and yes if you stay with him in the marriage you will have to always be the one who is a shelter for her as if he's truly unreasonable and doesn't understand teen behavior she doesn't deserve or need to deal with his negativity. Good luck with everything and stay strong for your daughter.


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