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Seeking Advice for teen girl's behavior PIOG

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:08 PM
  • 16 Replies
I am sitting here catching up on news - finally got the baby to sleep and SD15 is in her room on the phone.

So suddenly I realize I can hear her entire conversation - and it turns out she made a bet w/friends to kiss a boy - and is apparently very proud of how she won this bet.  Turns out she has been pursuing quite a few boys around the highschool.  I am not surprised by this but wondering what you all would suggest on how to handle this? 

The things that bother me about this 1. not liking the shallowness of competing w/other girls over boys that she only wants to rack up counts with 2. obviously would prefer she not be chasing boys at all 3. wondering if she is on the verge of taking any romance farther or not.  4. ugh.

This is not the first time she has stalked boys she had a crush on (started in 6th grade).  But it is the first time she has liked so many at once (the joys of a big city school, I guess) and is actively trying to make out with all of them.  (so far it sounds like 3).

I will of course discuss it w/DH first before I approach her. (for those of you who dont know my story - bm is pretty much out of the picture, we are custodial and she lives 1000+miles away).

*Oh and last night she told me she only wants a boyfriend so she can get chocolate for valentines day - I did very calmly make a few suggestions about how that is not exactly a good reason to like a boy and she should aim for a nice kid and not worry about presents.

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DarlaHood
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:33 AM
2 moms liked this

My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things.  It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here.  It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.

kthomasson
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 7:20 AM

 

I agree with this also because it will help her get a "guy's" perspective about what they think about her behavior, i.e. kissing several boys, in that it will be hard for any of them to take her seriously and want her as a girlfriend and she'll be seen as a flirt.......

Quoting DarlaHood:

My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things.  It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here.  It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.


 

jazzgirl205
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:05 PM

15 is still an innocent age for many kids.  She doesn't realize that this sexual objectification of boys could cause a lot of misunderstanding and hurt feelings.  It's a game with consequences.

Barabell
by Barbara on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:34 PM

I think DarlaHood's suggestion is the way to go.

Good luck and please update us when you have time!!

MrsSufi
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 12:37 PM

I feel like she's still somewhat innocent but not enough to keep from experimenting.  It's the 'after kissing' experimenting that really worrys me.  I'll see if I can get dh to have a talk with her.  right now he just has his head in his hands groaning.

DarlaHood
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:17 PM
1 mom liked this

He can groan, but he absolutely MUST step up.  How about planning 2 hours a week minimum that they spend together just the 2 of them.  These conversations should not be awkward or contrived, they should be natural.  In the course of driving, going to a movie, watching tv, seeing people in the course of life, etc...  For example, if he sees a young girl with inappropriate clothing, he can use that as an opportunity to talk to his daughter about what girls think is sexy and the kind of attention they want, versus what guys think about it and what they want when they give the attention. 

I know it's hard.  My dh about passed out when I told him that I wanted him to talk to our girls about oral sex, and that it IS sex.  I wanted them to hear a guy's perspective.  But he did do it, and both of our girls did have questions, and they did talk to him.  But it's because they had an ongoing relationship, not because they had one awkward talk. 

Research shows that the one thing that is effective in getting girls to delay sexual activity and remain more likely to make choices they are comfortable with and don't regret later is Dad's talking to them about relationships and sexual attitudes.  Point out to your dh that what Dad wouldn't want their daughter to wait longer to have sex and to be discriminating and smart about it??  It might seem hard, but he'd be groaning a LOT more if she came home pregnant!

Quoting MrsSufi:

I feel like she's still somewhat innocent but not enough to keep from experimenting.  It's the 'after kissing' experimenting that really worrys me.  I'll see if I can get dh to have a talk with her.  right now he just has his head in his hands groaning.


luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 6:35 PM

This 1000%


Dad's are key when it comes to young girls and sexuality.

Quoting DarlaHood:

He can groan, but he absolutely MUST step up.  How about planning 2 hours a week minimum that they spend together just the 2 of them.  These conversations should not be awkward or contrived, they should be natural.  In the course of driving, going to a movie, watching tv, seeing people in the course of life, etc...  For example, if he sees a young girl with inappropriate clothing, he can use that as an opportunity to talk to his daughter about what girls think is sexy and the kind of attention they want, versus what guys think about it and what they want when they give the attention. 

I know it's hard.  My dh about passed out when I told him that I wanted him to talk to our girls about oral sex, and that it IS sex.  I wanted them to hear a guy's perspective.  But he did do it, and both of our girls did have questions, and they did talk to him.  But it's because they had an ongoing relationship, not because they had one awkward talk. 

Research shows that the one thing that is effective in getting girls to delay sexual activity and remain more likely to make choices they are comfortable with and don't regret later is Dad's talking to them about relationships and sexual attitudes.  Point out to your dh that what Dad wouldn't want their daughter to wait longer to have sex and to be discriminating and smart about it??  It might seem hard, but he'd be groaning a LOT more if she came home pregnant!

Quoting MrsSufi:

I feel like she's still somewhat innocent but not enough to keep from experimenting.  It's the 'after kissing' experimenting that really worrys me.  I'll see if I can get dh to have a talk with her.  right now he just has his head in his hands groaning.



MrsBLB
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:06 PM

I agree

Quoting DarlaHood:

My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things.  It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here.  It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.


Roo1234
by Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 10:52 PM
Rather than confronting her directly because then she will know you were eavesdropping which will get the conversation off track, I would find opportunities to talk about morals/values, reputation and the importance of knowing your own self worth. Ask her what she thinks about other girls' reputations and why she likes the boys she likes. Does she value them as people or objects? How would she feel if a boy treated her with that disrespect?
Open up the conversation and get her to think.
19andmomtobe
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:09 PM

omg she is 15 years old. if shes only kissing boys id count your blessings. i lost my virginity at 15. if anything give her the sex talk but seriously? lol she is 15!

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