So suddenly I realize I can hear her entire conversation - and it turns out she made a bet w/friends to kiss a boy - and is apparently very proud of how she won this bet. Turns out she has been pursuing quite a few boys around the highschool. I am not surprised by this but wondering what you all would suggest on how to handle this?
The
things that bother me about this 1. not liking the shallowness of
competing w/other girls over boys that she only wants to rack up counts
with 2. obviously would prefer she not be chasing boys at all 3.
wondering if she is on the verge of taking any romance farther or not.
4. ugh.
This
is not the first time she has stalked boys she had a crush on (started
in 6th grade). But it is the first time she has liked so many at once
(the joys of a big city school, I guess) and is actively trying to make
out with all of them. (so far it sounds like 3).
I will of course discuss it w/DH first before I approach her. (for those of you who dont know my story - bm is pretty much out of the picture, we are custodial and she lives 1000+miles away).
*Oh and last night she told me she only wants a boyfriend so she can get chocolate for valentines day - I did very calmly make a few suggestions about how that is not exactly a good reason to like a boy and she should aim for a nice kid and not worry about presents.
My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things. It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here. It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.
I agree with this also because it will help her get a "guy's" perspective about what they think about her behavior, i.e. kissing several boys, in that it will be hard for any of them to take her seriously and want her as a girlfriend and she'll be seen as a flirt.......
Quoting DarlaHood:
My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things. It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here. It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.
15 is still an innocent age for many kids. She doesn't realize that this sexual objectification of boys could cause a lot of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. It's a game with consequences.
He can groan, but he absolutely MUST step up. How about planning 2 hours a week minimum that they spend together just the 2 of them. These conversations should not be awkward or contrived, they should be natural. In the course of driving, going to a movie, watching tv, seeing people in the course of life, etc... For example, if he sees a young girl with inappropriate clothing, he can use that as an opportunity to talk to his daughter about what girls think is sexy and the kind of attention they want, versus what guys think about it and what they want when they give the attention.
I know it's hard. My dh about passed out when I told him that I wanted him to talk to our girls about oral sex, and that it IS sex. I wanted them to hear a guy's perspective. But he did do it, and both of our girls did have questions, and they did talk to him. But it's because they had an ongoing relationship, not because they had one awkward talk.
Research shows that the one thing that is effective in getting girls to delay sexual activity and remain more likely to make choices they are comfortable with and don't regret later is Dad's talking to them about relationships and sexual attitudes. Point out to your dh that what Dad wouldn't want their daughter to wait longer to have sex and to be discriminating and smart about it?? It might seem hard, but he'd be groaning a LOT more if she came home pregnant!
Quoting MrsSufi:I feel like she's still somewhat innocent but not enough to keep from experimenting. It's the 'after kissing' experimenting that really worrys me. I'll see if I can get dh to have a talk with her. right now he just has his head in his hands groaning.
This 1000%
Dad's are key when it comes to young girls and sexuality.
Quoting DarlaHood:He can groan, but he absolutely MUST step up. How about planning 2 hours a week minimum that they spend together just the 2 of them. These conversations should not be awkward or contrived, they should be natural. In the course of driving, going to a movie, watching tv, seeing people in the course of life, etc... For example, if he sees a young girl with inappropriate clothing, he can use that as an opportunity to talk to his daughter about what girls think is sexy and the kind of attention they want, versus what guys think about it and what they want when they give the attention.
I know it's hard. My dh about passed out when I told him that I wanted him to talk to our girls about oral sex, and that it IS sex. I wanted them to hear a guy's perspective. But he did do it, and both of our girls did have questions, and they did talk to him. But it's because they had an ongoing relationship, not because they had one awkward talk.
Research shows that the one thing that is effective in getting girls to delay sexual activity and remain more likely to make choices they are comfortable with and don't regret later is Dad's talking to them about relationships and sexual attitudes. Point out to your dh that what Dad wouldn't want their daughter to wait longer to have sex and to be discriminating and smart about it?? It might seem hard, but he'd be groaning a LOT more if she came home pregnant!
Quoting MrsSufi:I feel like she's still somewhat innocent but not enough to keep from experimenting. It's the 'after kissing' experimenting that really worrys me. I'll see if I can get dh to have a talk with her. right now he just has his head in his hands groaning.
I agree
Quoting DarlaHood:My suggestion is that her dad needs to spend some time talking to her about how boys think, about relationships with teen boys, and how she can handle certain things. It has nothing to do with you being a SM, cuz I understand you're the primary mom here. It's just that research shows that Dad's talking to their dd's, and spending time just the 2 of them regularly to do that, is the single most effective thing in influencing her dating and sexual decisions through her teens.
Open up the conversation and get her to think.
Is it possible to care too much?
- MrsSufi
on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:08 PM