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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

what do you think is the best age for a teen to have a date?

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 teenagers now adays are really different from our time, what do you think is the really best age for a girl to date?with or without chaperon??

neng.....kiss

by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 4:50 PM
Replies (31-34):
DarlaHood
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:29 AM
1 mom liked this

Actually, teens are not all that different in the fundamental and basic ways.  The world and the culture are different; teens are pretty much the same.  I personally think that 14 is way too young to be dating or having a boyfriend - and especially an older boyfriend.  I know people will disagree, and they will say that they are always supervised and very responsible, and never alone, and all that. 

Here are the facts:

The younger teens are allowed to date, the younger they are likely to be when they become sexually active.

The #1 risk factor for becoming sexually active at an earlier age is having an older boyfriend. 

Most teens that are in an exclusive relationship which THEY consider to be serious will find ways to be alone and will have some experimentation within 3 months of dating. 

85% of teens will have sex by the time they graduate high school, and the average age of first sexual experience is 16, which means a significant percentage of teens will have sex before they turn 16. The figure becomes 95%by the time they finish college.

The #1 factor for GIRLS for both delaying sexual activity and using protection when they do become sexually active is having a good one-on-one relationship with their Dads, which includes Dad stepping up to talk with them about boys, how they think, how they feel about relationships, and how boys talk about and view sex - during multiple father-daughter outings and conversations. 

Mom's should be talking too, but it doesn't necessarily influence their kids to wait longer to have sex.  It may influence their decision to use protection.

Even though teens generally know that a girl can get pregnant by having sex even one time, MOST teens will have sex anyway if they don't have protection because they do NOT think it will happen to them. 

Even though almost 9 out of 10 teens will have sex in high school, almost all parents will say that THEIR particular son or daughter is not.  So, and this is really important, about 85% of parents think that their son or daughter will be in the 15% of kids that do not have sex in high school (or the 5% that wait until after college).

You can see that this simply is not possible.  MOST of these parents will be wrong. 

Additionally, a significant number of parents who have kids who become pregnant, will be surprised to find out their teen was having sex.  Many of these parents will have asked their teen directly if they were having sex or if they needed birth control or contraception, and the teen will have said NO!

The #1 reason teens don't tell their parents that they are having sex, or even thinking about having sex, or even just wanting birth control just to be prepared way before they need it (which is smart!) is that they believe their parents will freak out and make a major deal out of it.  They do not trust their parents to act rationally.  They expect their parents to change their attitudes toward them in negative ways.

My girls were not allowed to date until 16.  No exceptions.  At 14, girls can be very naive.  If I had raised a son, it would have been the same.  And well before they reach high school, they need to know the statistics and prevalence for STI's, the types of contraception and protection, and that these preventatives don't work if not used properly and consistently EVERY time.  They need to know that antibiotics and other meds can affect pills, patches, and nuva rings.  They need to know that progesterone only pills have to be taken ALWAYS within 2 hours of the same time every day.  They need to know condoms can break, that the pull out method is not reliable (especially with an inexperienced youn man), they need to know how to get protection without your help if they choose to.  And they need to know that if they trust you enough to come to you, they will not be betrayed.  They need to know you will not freak out and you will handle it. 

I know you only asked about dating, but this is an area I have studied extensively and done personal research in for grad school, and reducing teen pregnancy is one of my missions.  IF any parent is considering allowing their teen to date, it is important  to know the facts and (if you haven't already) to begin educating your teen.  Really education should be going on gradually from a much younger age. 

It is good to know your kids, but don't assume you are the exception to the rules.  All of us can find out we didn't know everything we thought we did, no matter how great we've done as parents.  It is fine to tell your teens that you do not want them to have sex, and are not advocating.  It is o.k. to honestly tell them why you want them to wait and to make good decisions.  But then tell them the rest too. 

It is a good idea to take your daughters to visit a Nurse Practitioner, Physicians Assistant, or Doctor at an OB-GYN office.  That makes the reality of pregnancy hit home.  And you can book a consult appointment for her to meet with a female provider who can sit down and talk to them about care, hygeine, birth control methods, and exams.  An actual exam is not necessary, but it opens the door for her to take a card and be able to come back on her own.  You can ask her if she wants you to go in with her or not.  And you can sign any waivers that would allow her to get what she might need. 

You can also purchase a Human Sexuality textbook (college level), and provide that as a resource.  You can go through it with your teen or let them read it privately in sections.  Most textbooks give STI information, pregnancy, and rape and sexual assault information, as well as domestic violence and cycle of abuse.  These are things our teens should know!

DarlaHood
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:42 AM

That's so true!  And for parent's of teen boys - if there is any doubt as to a girl's ability to give consent because she has Asperger's, has been drinking (even if he has been also), is under the influence of medications or drugs that could affect judgment, then your son could be charged with rape even if the girl said yes!!  If she files charges, and she was deemed to have been impaired, pressured, coerced, or too insistent to stop - he can be charged with rape.  And even if he was impaired, he is 100% responsible. 


Sometimes this may not even be fair, but it is still the law, and all boys need to be educated about the potential consequences of a sexual encounter.  Alternately, they could end up paying child support and being a part time dad to a child that lives with his high school girlfriend - because most teen parents don't stay together. 

Honestly, I really don't mean to present this as drama.  What I hope is that if parents and teens are informed, drama can be avoided, and teens can grow up and live their lives and be happy with the choices that they've made. 

Quoting GleekingOut:

My DD is 21 and she's only been allowed on one "date" and she was 18 at that point. I thought she was in good hands because the boy seemed "innocent" and "Unknowing". Yeah. No. he was trying to convince DD that she should have sex with him (he was 15 at the time). DD has aspergers, lives with us, and I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable with her dating someone WHO I'VE GOT NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE! gaaaaahhh


GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 5:19 AM
1 mom liked this


Yep. I've been yelled at and been told I'm "abusing" DD because I don't allow her to date. Well do you want your son charged with rape because she's not ready for sex? >.> DD can consent - she's not impaired enough for it to matter - but she has a hard time stating her mind/saying if something feels wrong. I'm trying to protect your son as much as my daughter. I want her to live her life, but not to get hurt/hurt others

Quoting DarlaHood:

That's so true!  And for parent's of teen boys - if there is any doubt as to a girl's ability to give consent because she has Asperger's, has been drinking (even if he has been also), is under the influence of medications or drugs that could affect judgment, then your son could be charged with rape even if the girl said yes!!  If she files charges, and she was deemed to have been impaired, pressured, coerced, or too insistent to stop - he can be charged with rape.  And even if he was impaired, he is 100% responsible. 


Sometimes this may not even be fair, but it is still the law, and all boys need to be educated about the potential consequences of a sexual encounter.  Alternately, they could end up paying child support and being a part time dad to a child that lives with his high school girlfriend - because most teen parents don't stay together. 

Honestly, I really don't mean to present this as drama.  What I hope is that if parents and teens are informed, drama can be avoided, and teens can grow up and live their lives and be happy with the choices that they've made. 

Quoting GleekingOut:

My DD is 21 and she's only been allowed on one "date" and she was 18 at that point. I thought she was in good hands because the boy seemed "innocent" and "Unknowing". Yeah. No. he was trying to convince DD that she should have sex with him (he was 15 at the time). DD has aspergers, lives with us, and I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable with her dating someone WHO I'VE GOT NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE! gaaaaahhh




Barabell
by Barbara on Feb. 17, 2013 at 12:11 PM

I agree that it is situational. To be honest, we haven't set an age in our house. Currently, I'm trying to have open talks with my son about his social life. I have told him that most kids cannot date until they're 16. He's 13 right now, and I can't see him wanting to go on a date any time soon. I know he likes girls, but he does not appear to be interested in any particular girl right now.

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