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I'm so disappointed in my daughter (Long)

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:22 AM
  • 44 Replies

Due to poor grades, my 14 yo dd has been restricted from electronic devices. She had pulled three of the grades up, so this past weekend I let her use her phone. Monday morning, I took the phone back. Last night I go in her room and there is an iPod in her bed. I said what is this! Turns out she borrowed an old iPod from a friend to chat with her "boyfriend". Boyfriend lives an hour away and they never see each other unsupervised. Even then, they may see each other for only two or three hours a month supervised. So I take the iPod and I go to bed. Lying in bed, the iPod is chirping like mad. So I turn it on. Dd and boyfriend are on Facebook messaging each other! I'm confused because I have her phone, her iPad, her iPod, and the borrowed iPod. There is no way she has anything left to use! I was about to go in her room, when their conversation turns to sex. Mind officially blown!!!!! They are talking about trying it (I have to say I wanted to blow while at the same time I was thanking God that they had not had sex yet!) So I broke into the chat on her borrowed iPod and told her that the conversation was over and whatever device she was using was to be brought to me now. I told her bf that I will be talking to his parents today. When dd brought me the device, I was shocked further!!! It was my old smartphone that isn't activated but still has wifi capabilities. She is a little friggin Mcgyver! Dd and bf said they weren't going to have sex and it was just a game they were playing with each other. Some friggin game! As I read thru the old messages, turns out he has been trying to talk her into having sex for about a month. He has used every line in the book. 


Today I am going thru her room and taking everything out. She won't have anything when I'm done. She is grounded longer now. For how long exactly I haven't decided. She will never see that boy again or any other boy for that matter. I am going to print the transcript of those messages and email it to his parents so they can decide what to do on their end. I have not raised my voice. I have not told her the punishment yet. I haven't addressed any of this with her yet. All I said was I am very disappointed in you and that was all. Any suggestions from other moms who have gone thru this? How do I handle this? She is a really good kid who has all of a sudden been lying to me, going around her restriction from electronic devices, and talking to a boy about sex. This is not my normal kid!  I'm livid right now so I need advice before she gets home from school and I have to talk to her.

by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:25 AM
6 moms liked this

Calm down mama.  First of all she's hit puberty and hormones are raging.  She wants what she wants when she wants it.  You're doing the right thing.  The boy's mom might not care though.  I hope I'm wrong.  Keep your baby safe!

Mrs.Missi
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:36 AM
2 moms liked this
Teach her above safe sex and birth control. Keep an open and honest line of communication with her about the dangers and downfalls of sex. Knowledge is power and sex is normal. You can't protect her all the time. She's growing up. You can't fix something once its done.
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gabyangy
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:48 AM
8 moms liked this

I would change your Wifi passcode and not let her know what it is.  That why she can't connect to the internet.  I would be so mad.  Good luck to you.

jamamama00
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:55 AM
2 moms liked this

No, this IS a normal kid! She's not a baby anymore. She is going to be interested in boys, and boys are going to be interested in getting in her panties. My personal opinion is that the more you try to go into "uber control" mode, the more enticing it will be. I think you've had the right idea all along with supervised visits w/ boys. It isn't like they are going to start going at it right in front of you. Just keep on keeping an eye on her, and talk to her about what boys are after (pussy.)

The grades issue is a whole 'nother matter. Just let her know that until her grades come up, you are goign to make her miserable.

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 9:58 AM
6 moms liked this

Poor girl, just didn't know when to quit :)


First is the lying and the sneaking. Since she couldn't take her original punishment with maturity, her FB and any other accounts should be deleted until you feel she has earned them back. Hopefully you have the password and can go in, deactivate and change the password. Since trust has now been lost, she needs to earn it back.

Sexting, that's what it was, is a big no-no. Once you have all the spare devices and all of her accounts changed, that should take care of that and send the message home to her just how unacceptable it is. 

The sex talk, while sex is normal, it doesn't make it right at 14/15/16. You may not even be able to protect her all of the time, but that doesn't mean you stop parenting her and putting roadblocks in the way of it happening before she is mature enough to understand all of the consequences.

Boys shouldn't have been allowed to begin with. I have very few hills to die on when it comes to my kids, but dating before 16 is one of them, and even then it is gradual. You can turn back the hands of time and say.."No more boys, you have proven that you are not responsible enough to be in any type of relationship". Then have the talk with her. Use the internet to help you show her what STD's look like, that was a bigger concern for me then prenancy. Not saying pregnancy wasn't a big deal, but visually you can have a greater impact with STD's. 

I also agree with his parents knowing what is going on. What they do with it is up to them, but at least you have made them aware and that's all you can do.

sabrtooth1
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 1:10 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree, boys should not have been allowed to begin with.  And no kid should have ALL THIS "...her phone, her iPad, her iPod...", and certainly not in her room, unsupervised.  All the sexting, time on FB, phone, tells me she has TOO MUCH UNSUPERVISED time on her hands.  I would begin with doing some volunteering.  Try to find a homeless shelter for teen moms, so she can see FIRST HAND what happens.  But even if you can't do that, find SOMEPLACE for her to volunteer.  She needs to learn the value of giving to others, and to get rid of her entitlment attitude.

SAMI_JO
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this

 Yes I am in the same boat sort of.My 14 yr old son is addicted to porn and masterbation. And now I just found out he has a fascination with one pair of MY panties? Go Figure? what is it with these kids today, they have it made and abuse every privilage that they have.frustrated

MamaSnaps
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 1:25 PM

It seems that restriction is kind of backfiring on you. The more you restrict, the more she devises a way around it. 
Punishment is first reaction and it's necessary. She needs to pay a price for deceiving you and for breaking the rules. However the sex thing isn't something that punishment is going to drive away. Education, talking, loving, supporting in a positive manner will get you far more than punishment with a child who is beginning to rebel like she is.

As for the "its a game..." I am calling BS on that one. Kids hormones are raging and if they are talking about it it's not a game to them. They don't 'play games' like that with a boyfriend/girlfriend. They want to appear grown up to each other-and 'playing a game' is about as un-grown up as it gets to kids. 

I'd also venture to guess that punishment needs to be immediate and swift with her. In other words grounding for a month for the infractions is going to backfire after a very short period. She has lost the reason for the punishment and is just going to try to get around it somehow. She KNOWS in her head, but it's not linking anymore. Instead try a swift, quick grounding for say one week, then the opportunity to slowly earn back things such as her electronics. Obviously she can earn things back by improving grades-you are already doing that one. Now that she's gotten EVERY thing taken again reward good behavior with maybe 1/2 hour a night that she can talk to the boyfriend. If that goes well then maybe she can earn back her phone for the evenings after she proves homework is done... etc. Give some of the power back to her and show her that you think and expect the best of her.

Even if you know in your head she's going to screw it up, let her believe that you THINK this was a one time mistake and she will handle it well. In general they don't WANT to let you down and they don't want to feel like they are always in trouble and a disappointment to you. Outwardly expecting the best will bolster her self-esteem and confidence. 

There are programs for phones, tablets and computers that record every bit of data. I believe in them whole heartedly for teens. She doesn't even know it's there running in the background, yet it records everything. It's one of those "eyes in the back of your head" things.

Let her know you will be comparing her text records to what is on her phone and if there is anything deleted she will lose the phone. Have the password to her facebook and make sure you monitor it obsessively. If you are uncomfortable and think she's deceiving you and deleting facebook stuff before you find it-shut her facebook down. 

sabrtooth1
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 1:30 PM
1 mom liked this

 


Quoting SAMI_JO:

 Yes I am in the same boat sort of.My 14 yr old son is addicted to porn and masterbation. And now I just found out he has a fascination with one pair of MY panties? Go Figure?

He couldn't sit there with his penis in his hand, if he had a shovel, broom, or paintbrush in it.  Get rid of ALL the electronic devices, and put password protection on yours.  Then make sure he sits at the kitchen table to do his homework, and other than that, he should have chores from the time he finishes his homework, till he falls in bed at night.

 

Barabell
by Barbara on Feb. 20, 2013 at 1:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with ALL of this. Good luck!!

Quoting luckysevenwow:

Poor girl, just didn't know when to quit :)


First is the lying and the sneaking. Since she couldn't take her original punishment with maturity, her FB and any other accounts should be deleted until you feel she has earned them back. Hopefully you have the password and can go in, deactivate and change the password. Since trust has now been lost, she needs to earn it back.

Sexting, that's what it was, is a big no-no. Once you have all the spare devices and all of her accounts changed, that should take care of that and send the message home to her just how unacceptable it is. 

The sex talk, while sex is normal, it doesn't make it right at 14/15/16. You may not even be able to protect her all of the time, but that doesn't mean you stop parenting her and putting roadblocks in the way of it happening before she is mature enough to understand all of the consequences.

Boys shouldn't have been allowed to begin with. I have very few hills to die on when it comes to my kids, but dating before 16 is one of them, and even then it is gradual. You can turn back the hands of time and say.."No more boys, you have proven that you are not responsible enough to be in any type of relationship". Then have the talk with her. Use the internet to help you show her what STD's look like, that was a bigger concern for me then prenancy. Not saying pregnancy wasn't a big deal, but visually you can have a greater impact with STD's. 

I also agree with his parents knowing what is going on. What they do with it is up to them, but at least you have made them aware and that's all you can do.


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