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Ugh!!! 16 y/o son driving me to breaking point!!! Need advice, please!

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:23 AM
  • 12 Replies

Hello, I will get right to the story on this.  My 16 y/o  (my oldest) has decided school is a joke, and doesn't seem to be putting any effort into anything but girls!  He is from my first marriage, and he has already pulled the I'm gonna go live with dad, and he did it for about a year.  Then decided to come back, cause of the rules at dads.

Everything started out great and his grades had come up and everything was fine.  Now...not so much.  We ( my husband and I) got him a truck to go back and fourth to school and hopefully a job.   Currently his grades have dropped and he only cares about going, going, going, wether it be to basketball games or friends house or to see a girl he is interested in.  My gut is telling me I've gave him to much to fast, and now he expects it.  This morning he told me he had a essay and spanish homework that is due tomorrow, he says he just found out yesterday at school, well if I would of known that he would not of gone to a friends house last night. He was home by 9 but ate and went to bed.  I told him this morning, that if he knew he had schoolwork he should of stayed home and done it.  Now come to find out he is making D's in his classes.   :/  I want to just grab him and shake some common  scense into him.  He got so angry this morning when I told him he would be coming straight home and working on his school work.  I also told him I was thinking about taking his keys till he improved his grades.  I guess my thing is I'm afraid he will threaten to move back with his dad...and that broke my heart the first time.  But I know I can't let him get his way just because of that.   Any advice will be great!!!  

in loveBrandy N.

by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
queensweet
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:36 AM
2 moms liked this

I think you are headed in the right direction when you told him that you are thinking about taking his keys. I think you should actually do it in addition to taking his tv, cellphone, and anything else he owns until he shapes up. If he threatens to leave to go back to his father's, then let him! You can't buy into his emotional blackmail no matter how much it hurts when he says it. He only says it because he knows it hurts you and he thinks he is solving his "issues" by running away. The fact of the matter is no matter where he goes there are going to be rules he has to abide by. One more thing! Have you considered counseling?

I understand where you are coming from because I am dealing with my 13 year old son whom would run to his father's and paternal granny's and of course they (including my son) used this type of behavior against me. My son is also not doing very well in some of his school subjects. Sigh. It is an uphill battle trying to raise kids. lol.

I hope things work out for you.

Txlisa7969
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:39 AM

I have a feeling you already know what you need to do.  Take the keys and take away all privilages until the grades come up.  I know it's tough and you don't want him to run to his Dad's again.  But to be honest sometimes being a parent it tough.  It's our job to help them to become responsible adults first and foremost.  He is going to be angry but you are not going to do him any favors if he doesn't learn now.  He is very close to having to go out in the "real" world.  I always tell my children it isn't my job to make their lives easy or be their friend.  I love them unconditionally but my most important job is to make sure they grow into independent, responsible people first.  I get to be their friend when they are grown.  If things were rough at Dad's the first time and he didn't like the rules there it's doubtful he will run back there.  Don't let him use that as something to hold over you to get his way.

kthomasson
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:44 AM
2 moms liked this

 Exactly!  I would have a talk with your exDH first and make sure that you and he are on the same page so that your DS can't keep playing you all against each other.  It's not fair to either one of you nor is it fair to your DS.  He's going to start seeing some real long term effects from this- such as being held back in school and possibly not graduating with his schoolmates. 

I would absolutely take the keys and tell them when his grades come up he can earn them back.  Let him know that the cell and other priviledges are next.  He cannot be the parent- you ARE!  It's hard but you need to do it.


Quoting Txlisa7969:

I have a feeling you already know what you need to do.  Take the keys and take away all privilages until the grades come up.  I know it's tough and you don't want him to run to his Dad's again.  But to be honest sometimes being a parent it tough.  It's our job to help them to become responsible adults first and foremost.  He is going to be angry but you are going to do him any favors if he doesn't learn now.  He is very close to having to go out in the "real" world.  I always tell my children it isn't my job to make their lives easy or be their friend.  I love them unconditionally but my most important job is to make sure they grow into independent, responsible people first.  I get to be their friend when they are grown.  If things were rough at Dad's the first time and he didn't like the rules there it's doubtful he will run back there.  Don't let him use that as something to hold over you to get his way.


 

tiredmama42
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 2:01 PM

I hope dad cares about his grades as much as you do.  We have a SD that just turned 17.  Perfect grades but has been spending the weekend visitation with a boy (with her mothers approval).  So since Friday has been with mom because refuses to come back because dad wont allow "sleepovers" Dad has custody.  Its really disheartening when parents are not both looking at the whats in the kids best interest.   Definately need to have consequences to keep them focused on what is important for their future. 

le.sigh.333
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:26 AM
1 mom liked this

my brother pulled the dad card once.

my mother helped him pack, threw his bags into his truck, gave him his keys, and told him to go.

my brother was back in a week.

MamaSnaps
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:10 AM
1 mom liked this

He's got you over a barrel if you are afraid to discipline him. Take the truck. The only way he gets it is if his grades are at whatever point you put on it. He doesn't get the truck if he goes to dads. Dad will have to provide a vehicle there. 

BLRiley
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:41 PM
1 mom liked this
I would not be thinking about taking the truck. I would have already taken it. That truck is a privilege not a right. Put limits on when he can drive it and make him earn the after school driving time by bringing up the grades etc. Im not going to pretend that i dont understand how HARD this is going to be for you to do this now that he is so used to all of this freedom. But it is the best thing for him. If you're afraid he's gonna threaten u with "ill go live with dad" again, discuss it with dad first and have him back you up on the taking the truck away. He CANNOT play you against each other like that. You need to show him that his dad will back you up and he'll have the same punishment there as he will with you. At least that's the best advice I can give from an outside perspective. Isn't it always much easier from the outside? lol!! My son hasn't started driving yet, but when he does this summer, he will drive our extra car and he will lose his privileges when he fails to preform at school or loses my trust. If they aren't ready to be responsible, they aren't ready for the responsibility of driving and the freedom that comes with it. If my son wants more freedoms than what comes with MY extra car, as far as I'm concerned, he can work and she to buy his own. That in itself will be a lesson in responsibility. lol!!! :-)
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chattycassie
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 2:44 PM
1 mom liked this

 Be strong take the keys. If he can't be responsible and keep his grades up he can't have a car. Its a privlage not a right to have a car. Good luck

lazyd
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 7:27 PM

Im sorry but i want to shake some common sense into YOU!  Your son is walkin all over you!  Let him move back in with his dad!  Take the truck away!  Either your son does school work or gets a job!  NO friends or games, etc., until your son brings his grades up!  And you really believed when your son told you he had an essay and spanish homework and only learned about it the day before!!!??  That is bullshit.  Tell your son good luck and goodbye and tell him that you love him and do care for him, but he obviously doesnt care about himself and doesnt ever want to graduate school and wants to work a minimum wage job for the rest of his life!  But my kid wouldnt be doing that in my house!

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Feb. 22, 2013 at 8:49 PM

 

Quoting MamaSnaps:

He's got you over a barrel if you are afraid to discipline him. Take the truck. The only way he gets it is if his grades are at whatever point you put on it. He doesn't get the truck if he goes to dads. Dad will have to provide a vehicle there. 

 Great advice I agree. Also try to get Dad on board.

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