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15 yr Old Has All The Answers...HELP!!!!

Posted by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 9:21 AM
  • 13 Replies

Last  night was one of the worst nights of my life. My daughter and I had one of our worse fights. In fact I don't think anyone has ever upset me like she did last night.

It started out about 3 weeks ago when I received a call from the police to come pick her up at someone's house party where she was drinking. First of all - I was under the impression she was at a girlfriend's house have a get together with 3 other girls. Then come to find out this wasn't her first drinking experience.

Needless to say I was livid!  Unfortunately it only gets worse from here. She confided in me where the booze came from. That her friend stole it from her parents. So I did what I thought was the right thing and I told the girls parents. Well now this girl is targeting my daughter at school and won't let up. She went off on my daughter the day after school yelling at her in front of everyone and holding her fist up to my daughter. Needless to say it frightened my daughter because this girl knows martial arts. So - as the mom I felt I had to contact this girls mom again and I asked her in a very nice way what she thought we could do about this situation. I did ask the mom to try to refrain from telling her daughter my daughter told me in hopes of avoiding more conflict at school. My biggest fear is my daughter will stop confiding in me. Unfortunately the mom did tell her daughter and made the daughter call me to apologize. Well that was one apology gone wrong. The girl was so extremely rude to me and told me the only reason she was calling me was becuase her mother made her. She also told me if she really wanted to hit my daughter she would have. I finally told her her disrespect to me is unacceptable. She started crying and her mother took the phone from her.  Since then my daughter's social life at school has been miserable.  This girl even found a way to interfere in the only extra curricular activity my daughter takes part in ..badminton. The girl is now trying out for the team and has gone as far as to suck up to the 2 girls my daughter usually plays with so they now play with her .  Yesterday the girl confronted my daughter again at her locker and started again screaming at her and slapping her hands together. My daughter (if she is telling me the truth) told me from pure embarrassment she said nothing, let the girl finish and went to the bathroom and cried.

That's when the problem at home started. I got upset with my daughter because she always calls me around 3pm to pick her up from school. When I had not heard from her by 3:15 I began to worry. We have been thru this before and she knows how I feel. She refused to understand why I was upset/worried when she did not call me because she feels I over reacted and she needed to do what she needed to do. That's when the disprect to me started. I love my daughter but I have been dealing with her social issues since grade school. To the point where I am having a difficult time trying to have sympathy for her anymore. Even my friends are getting tired of hearing the same story about my daughter being the victim with yet another group of friends. One finally told me it must be something my daughter is bringing on.  I do recognize that but do not know how to help her because everytime I suggest she might change her behaviour she goes off on me and tells me I alwasy side with everyone else. Trust me, if anything I am guilty of coddling my daughter way too much and going over board with trying to protect her. 

I have raised her by myself financially, physically and emotionally since the day she was born. I have no life other than the life of trying to raise her on my own.  She is currently in therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. I've been in and out of therapy since she was born..probably the only reason I've been able to hold on as long as I have. Unfortunately now I can only afford for her to be in therapy so I had to stop.

This teen stuff is horrible and since I lost my mother when I was 13 I feel like I'm trying to fly without wings. It's not working very well!

I know this is alot but I am desperate. It's taking everything in me not to call this girls mother again, but at this point I think it would to more damage than not. We do have an opportunity to move out of state. But I know this problem she has with getting along with others is only going to follow us whereever we go. Although she is sure it won't. The proof in the pudding is that we moved to a new town before highschool so she could have a fresh start..and look what is happening...again.

I love her more than anything and have done nothing but encourage her and praise her for what an awesome child she is. Unfortunately now that she is a teenager she doesn't want to hear it.

How do I stop the madness and get us back on track? Which means undoing the damage I may have caused with butting into her friendzone more than a mom probably should.


by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 9:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:24 AM

Since this stuff is happening at school, I would have been calling the school.  I don't know anything but what you told me, but I think you're headed in the right direction. 

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:27 AM

First you need to back off (odd thing to hear right?). You need to let her deal with her friends, she needs to learn to navigate the 'friendzone' on her own, that is of course unless you plan to follow her around in life picking up her pieces.

You did the right thing the first time you called this girls parents. They needed to know the information you gave them. It sucks, I know cause that has put your dd in the postion that she feels unsafe at school. I don't want to say bullied just yet. She needs to stand up to this girl and make it clear that their actions as a group is what got them into trouble, not you calling the mom. As for calling the mom, it's clear that that is only esculating the problem. 

Any way for you to have both girls over to the house? Do you know her well enough? That's probably where I would start. No accusations, just a good talking to. No one kid is at fault here. I'm sure your DD isn't as innocent as she is trying to make herself out to be. If you know the mom well enough maybe you to can brainstorm about how to fix the issue, not talk about what her DD is doing wrong, but how to bring the fighting to an end.

atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:35 AM
Besides everything said already, your dd may benefit from counseling also with her drinking and low self esteem.
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omgmom97
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 10:55 AM

Thanks to you all!!I  did consider calling the other girls mom but wanted to process the thought, as well as get your feedback. You're feedback has really helped - thank you!

My daughter in in therapy. And has been multiple times with regards to her self esteem issue.

I can only hope this time in she will learn something.

Barabell
by Barbara on Feb. 22, 2013 at 1:55 PM

I agree with this, and if there are any threats at school, you need to contact the school and try to get them to deal with it. Don't call the mom. Instead write, call, and/or email the school administration about any future threats and bullying incidents.

Quoting luckysevenwow:

First you need to back off (odd thing to hear right?). You need to let her deal with her friends, she needs to learn to navigate the 'friendzone' on her own, that is of course unless you plan to follow her around in life picking up her pieces.

You did the right thing the first time you called this girls parents. They needed to know the information you gave them. It sucks, I know cause that has put your dd in the postion that she feels unsafe at school. I don't want to say bullied just yet. She needs to stand up to this girl and make it clear that their actions as a group is what got them into trouble, not you calling the mom. As for calling the mom, it's clear that that is only esculating the problem. 


omgmom97
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 2:51 PM

Good idea. Hopefully my daughter won't be afraid to tell me of future incidents. When things calm down I will try to have a heart to heart with her and try to explain why I did what I did.

And for now I think I will refrain from contact the other girls parents...for now anywayfrustrated

I must say it was so much easier when I was aloud to butt in and be the hero :-)

LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 4:04 PM

I agree. Sometimes as parents we have to back off. If the bullying gets worse, then call the school. Sounds like the girl isn't a good influence on your dd anyway so them not being friends is a plus.


Quoting luckysevenwow:

First you need to back off (odd thing to hear right?). You need to let her deal with her friends, she needs to learn to navigate the 'friendzone' on her own, that is of course unless you plan to follow her around in life picking up her pieces.

You did the right thing the first time you called this girls parents. They needed to know the information you gave them. It sucks, I know cause that has put your dd in the postion that she feels unsafe at school. I don't want to say bullied just yet. She needs to stand up to this girl and make it clear that their actions as a group is what got them into trouble, not you calling the mom. As for calling the mom, it's clear that that is only esculating the problem. 

Any way for you to have both girls over to the house? Do you know her well enough? That's probably where I would start. No accusations, just a good talking to. No one kid is at fault here. I'm sure your DD isn't as innocent as she is trying to make herself out to be. If you know the mom well enough maybe you to can brainstorm about how to fix the issue, not talk about what her DD is doing wrong, but how to bring the fighting to an end.


bizzeemom2717
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 5:43 PM

 It's tough sometimes, but with the drinking you did the right thing by calling the other mother..that wasn't interferring too much. Also, if you can't afford your counseling on top of your daughter's you may want to consider a family therapist you can both go to at the same time to help with boundaries, ect.

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Feb. 22, 2013 at 6:35 PM

I agree with this.

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

 It's tough sometimes, but with the drinking you did the right thing by calling the other mother..that wasn't interferring too much. Also, if you can't afford your counseling on top of your daughter's you may want to consider a family therapist you can both go to at the same time to help with boundaries, ect.


GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 7:57 PM

Where were the teachers when your DD was being yelled at and slapped and stuff? I wouldn't let that fly. I agree that your daughter probably isn't as innocent as she makes out to be and might actually be the instigator in some incidents. You wouldn't know at all because you only hear what she tells you - in the nicest way possible. Did you punish her for the drinking/partying? Did the police issue a fine or anything? If this isn't her first time drinking then what else has she been doing? I think you should come down on her like a ton of bricks to show her that this behaviour (regardless of her self esteem issues) is not acceptable.

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