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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

What works?

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:34 AM
  • 13 Replies

My 14 yo dd got an F on a social studies test on Monday. She didn't study at all this weekend. That's 2 F's now in the past 3 days on a test. She gets F's then we take stuff away,make her do her homework, stay in her room then she does good, grades go up,we give her privileges back & then she slacks again. She just won't study & do her work ON HER OWN unless she is pushed.  Anyone know how to deal with this type of kid and or situation?? When she builds up trust again, we give things & priveleges back & she does well for a bit. Before too long we GO AROUND THE MOUNTAIN AGAIN!! Or do we just contend with this is the way it/she is going to be & continue to do as we have done in consequensing like we have??  She will be in high school next year. I have a friend who told me they do testing in 7th grade & 8th grade doesn't mean anything and they have learned all they are to learn by 7th grade (meaning in middle school). I see other stuff they are learning that they haven't learned in the past (well, I think so) unless they have touched on it in previous grades. My dd even said her teachers say that 8th grade doesn't matter. My friend said she is right that teachers do say that. This friend doesn't push her 16 yo anymore she just doesn't care plus she's from a different state.  I don't want to be that way. 

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momcat437
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:39 AM

 The only thing I can suggest is for you to either, 1) keep her stuff and let her stay in her room until the work is done, every day if necessary, or 2) keep her stuff, sit down with her and watch her do it, then give her the stuff back.  We had to do this with our son because he was just incapable of working on his own.  It's a tough age, and we ended up pulling our teens out of school and homeschooling them, because, yeah, I agree--it didn't make much of a difference after a while and they were learning so much more at home...

sabrtooth1
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 12:16 PM

Your friend is wrong, and foolish.  Your daughter is lying to you to get you off her back.  And if you REALLY believe either of them, YOU have a problem.  ALL grades matter.  ALL education matters.  The high stakes testing in 7th and 8th grade is VERY important, as it forms the basis of the classes your child is slated into in High School.  

Has your daughter ever been examined for ADD, or learning disabilities?  Some disabilities are subtle.  One of my daughters had a visual processing disorder that was not found untill she was 15, altho we'd known about others since she was 12.  If she has not been tested, you should do that NOW.

Even if she has no disabilities, how good EXACTLY do her grades get?  Getting up to D's is NOT acceptable, neither is going up for just a test or 2.   With the problems she has, she should NEVER be left in her room to do her homework.. She should ALWAYS sit at the kitchen table, where you can see what she does, and help her if necessary.  If she needs to be pushed, then PUSH HER, since the alternative will be an uneducated dropout.  She should NEVER have electronics in her room.  She is obviously not mature enough to know how to handle herself.  She should NOT have boyfriends, or be hanging out anywhere with no reason.  She needs more structure, chores, supervision, and a high priority put on education. 

MamaSnaps
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Try a designated study time every day that has none of those things she wants to do otherwise. 

EVERYTHING matters. Yeah, those grades aren't credit bearing courses for HS graduation, but they are a foundation that her HS courses will build upon. If she doesn't have the basic foundation, she's setting up for failure or even more hard work in HS to get through. They may have touched or done the same material in lower grades, but each time they re-do it they are adding MORE to the foundation. It is said that it takes repeating something 21 times to commit it to memory or to make it habit. That's kind of what they are doing here. 

Plus that is also building the good study habits that she'll need later. She is learning that if she doesn't do it she get's F's and therefore she has to do it. F's aren't going to get her to graduate later and letting her slack off and not build those study habits is NOT doing her any favors in a couple of years when reality is going to hit like a ton of bricks and she REALLY isn't going to want to study. Your friend is doing more damage than good for her child. Teaching them that something doesn't matter is just plain stupidity.


The punch line is that what works for one kid isn't going to work for another. They're all so different. She doesn't have the responsibility and drive to do homework or study and doesn't realize it's importance at this point and that's what you are teaching her with the consequences and constant reminders. I know it SEEMS like she'll never be responsible on her own, but those lessons ARE going in there... they just won't surface again until she is good and ready to realize "OH MY GOD, MOM REALLY HAD SOMETHING THERE!!!!" Usually it's somewhere around 25 and when you have given up all hope. 

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:59 AM
I would take things away for the entire semester or grading period at this point. Since this is a patten and HS is just around the corner I would seriously consider getting professional help with a counselor if I felt she was truly not trying her hardest or testing boundaries. The next four years are just too important and it sounds like you may need some assistance on setting up boundaries, ect. Good luck
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bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:02 AM
Also for all often kids 8th grade was VERY important as it helped determine their placement in honors classes and math placement in HS. Whoever told you 8th grade doesn't matter? Not very wise advice.
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atlmom2
by Susie on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Take privileges away longer and longer. She needs to know now, before hs this won't be tolerated. Study with her.
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fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:12 AM

 Then don't be like that.  You may have to let her fail.  That's what I'm doing with my son.  It's heartbreaking but that's what we are doing.  We explained that if he wants to fail, fine, but he's going to do it without any privildges.

cat4458
by Bronze Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 9:34 AM

 

 

Quoting fantasticfour:

 Then don't be like that.  You may have to let her fail.  That's what I'm doing with my son.  It's heartbreaking but that's what we are doing.  We explained that if he wants to fail, fine, but he's going to do it without any privildges.

yes, you are so... right.  Think this is where we are at.  This has been a pattern for the past couple years & this year it is already the 3rd quarter ending & it's happened every quarter.  It's getting old. She is plenty capable, she has proved that she is just being lazy. We are holding a backpack she has picked out for track & she looks for it everyday in the mail.  We are telling her "no backpack" till grades for tests get redone, but her school lets them redo all the time. She knows that, so we are not going to let her do it anymore. No more retakes.Has it been working for you to take away his privileges 'UNTIL' he improves or does he improve just to get his privileges back & then slack again? That's what happens here.

CaileighsMom608
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 9:44 AM

One hour of study earns one hour of TV time (I dont know what her privileges are).  

The end result shouldnt be the one test extend it to the semester grade.

Reward her with some use of the privileges but telll her she cant have FULL access until she can mantain her grades without you forcing her.  

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 9:48 AM

This, it seems MamaSnaps and I tend to agree on a lot of things... :)

Quoting MamaSnaps:

Try a designated study time every day that has none of those things she wants to do otherwise. 

EVERYTHING matters. Yeah, those grades aren't credit bearing courses for HS graduation, but they are a foundation that her HS courses will build upon. If she doesn't have the basic foundation, she's setting up for failure or even more hard work in HS to get through. They may have touched or done the same material in lower grades, but each time they re-do it they are adding MORE to the foundation. It is said that it takes repeating something 21 times to commit it to memory or to make it habit. That's kind of what they are doing here. 

Plus that is also building the good study habits that she'll need later. She is learning that if she doesn't do it she get's F's and therefore she has to do it. F's aren't going to get her to graduate later and letting her slack off and not build those study habits is NOT doing her any favors in a couple of years when reality is going to hit like a ton of bricks and she REALLY isn't going to want to study. Your friend is doing more damage than good for her child. Teaching them that something doesn't matter is just plain stupidity.


The punch line is that what works for one kid isn't going to work for another. They're all so different. She doesn't have the responsibility and drive to do homework or study and doesn't realize it's importance at this point and that's what you are teaching her with the consequences and constant reminders. I know it SEEMS like she'll never be responsible on her own, but those lessons ARE going in there... they just won't surface again until she is good and ready to realize "OH MY GOD, MOM REALLY HAD SOMETHING THERE!!!!" Usually it's somewhere around 25 and when you have given up all hope. 


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