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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Too personal, too close.

Posted by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:35 PM
  • 15 Replies

 Hi I don't really post on here much. I kinda just muddle throught things as it goes. But recently I have came up with some issues.

 My dd is 14 years old and she has drama. I am not the best person for  drama, I easily get annoyed over it. She here is the crap that has been going on lately.

 My dd is very socialable she wants to fit in badly. I try and talk to her about how she should just be herself and what else not but of course she gets into the drama crap. Some girl in her class told her the boy she has been crushing on likes her and so my dd sent him an invite to her social page. I watch her pages. He rejected her and said some mean stuff, my dd feels really embarressed and hurt. She also had a boyfriend who cheated on her and this all happened this week. She is not handling it well and is kinda mad at the world. I feel so bad for her. I am her mom and in a way it hurt me too. I am super close to my kids. They are all I really focus on. I have two ds's but they really don't do the drama. They pretty much handle stuff with my dh. I am trying hard not to let this bug me that she is hurt. I want to cry for her.

 I have talked to her about this and I am trying to help her move on.

 I just don't understand why I am feeling so bad over it, I know this is normal rejection stuff, I know she has to learn to deal with it. My boy's went through it. I hope I am not the only mother that feels this way.

by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 10:45 PM

It's your baby. If she got beat up would't you want to cry for her? In many ways getting hit is MUCH easier to deal with than emotionally beat up. The bruises don't stay on your mind and keep hurting over and over for a long time. Emotional pain can come back for YEARS and YEARS. There are childhood things that when they pop into an adult's mind it makes them want to cry. Although if I think back to getting a black eye? Eh, that doesn't hurt and I can laugh at it now.

Keep her distracted, spend time with her, do something girly and fun to make her feel good... It's the best you can do! 

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Mar. 1, 2013 at 11:00 PM

I call it Mama Bear Syndrome.    We will always feel our childrens' pain and watching as they grow up and inevitably get hurt in the process is just heartwrenching.

The first time my sons had their hearts broken, I was devastated!   I wanted to throttle those girls.




sabrtooth1
by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 11:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Get rid of the boyfriends.  That will get rid of the drama.  At 14, they do NOT need boyfriends.  I don't get why people keep encouraging their daughter's "boyfriends", at a time when the kids are better served by concentrating on school, chores, volunteerism, and extra-curriculars like band or sports.  And then they are flabbergasted when the kid turns up sexually active.

mizkriz73
by Member on Mar. 1, 2013 at 11:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Yeah that is one of the things we had talked about. She was not suppsoe to have a boyfriend she was suppose to wait until she is 16 and then only in groups. I had explained the sex thing with her and her boyfriend lives quiet a way from us so she could only see him during youth group and sunday morning church days. I didn't know they were a couple until a few days ago. I am still pretty angry over that.

 My son's are 19, and 15 Our oldest can date but is focused more on finishing school and lives at home. He has a job and helps out with bills and still goes to school and our other son is in school and getting a part time job this summer. He is also not ready for dating and has expessed that fact. I just don't understand what went different with her.

 Before any one asks she is treat about the same as the boy's she has the same type of rules and we displine her the same way for things she does wrong. So like I said it is just different with her.


Quoting sabrtooth1:

Get rid of the boyfriends.  That will get rid of the drama.  At 14, they do NOT need boyfriends.  I don't get why people keep encouraging their daughter's "boyfriends", at a time when the kids are better served by concentrating on school, chores, volunteerism, and extra-curriculars like band or sports.  And then they are flabbergasted when the kid turns up sexually active.



healingone
by on Mar. 1, 2013 at 11:56 PM

Awww.  How very caring you are!!!  Good for you.  Drama is the name of the game in the teen years.  I don't know too many teen girls this age who aren't struggling in one way or the other.  Those that seem they are doing well/excelling are often having lots of internal emotional stuff going on that few will ever know.  The fact that your daughter IS having these emotions AND that you know WHY she is having a rough time is awesome.  Your daughter has not yet learned that emotions are completely unacceptable and that she won't get any help with them from you.  That's great and I mean it.  Be there to listen.  Be there to reflect back to her (look up active listening or reflective listening in a search engine) what you hear her saying.  Add a feeling word or an observation in there that may help her understand her feelings and "get it" that you are caring enough to try to understand, rather than telling her how she SHOULD feel or what she SHOULD do.  Once we start doing that, they are WAY likely to tune us out, because of course how can our PARENTS know ANYTHING?!!!!  doing something radically different   is another idea.  Anything different than what she can typically expect from you.  But listen listen listen is the key.  We can only help our kids with emotions to the degree that we are willing to feel them ourselves and to feel with our children.  If our approach is shove it, stuff it , this too will pass, you'll get over it, or no big deal, or at the other end of the coin over reacting, and over sympathizing with them, catastrophizing, telling them how terrible so and so was, then we take big risks that they either won't hear us or that our emotions become something they have to defend from too.  Listen, and enjoy the journey.  YOou're doing great coz she is telling you about her life.  Try to find a middle road between knowing too much and knowing too little, between doing too much and doing too little, between caring and sympathizing too much and being distant/low key / nonchalant.    Blessings!!!

sabrtooth1
by on Mar. 2, 2013 at 12:47 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting mizkriz73:  I just don't understand what went different with her.

 Before any one asks she is treat about the same as the boy's she has the same type of rules and we displine her the same way for things she does wrong. So like I said it is just different with her.

What went different, was that you took your eye off the ball.  Your first one, you probably supervised with an EAGLE EYE.  We all do.  But he really didn't need it much.  Your second one, you watched a little less, and it didn't make a difference, because he's been slow out of the box as well.  So you got complacent.  It happens.  So now you know you need to watch her MUCH more carefully.  Reign her in.  Don't just talk about sex, take her back a few steps, and tell her you don't think she is mature enough to handle "relationships" since: 1)  you lost your trust in her when she broke the rules  {not once, but TWICE Mama--remember the one who "cheated"on her???}, and 2) she spreads it all over facebook.  I'd deep six the facebook, too--but I know I'll be in a minority on that.    

mizkriz73
by Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 1:15 AM


Ty for you input.

Quoting sabrtooth1:



Quoting mizkriz73:  I just don't understand what went different with her.

 Before any one asks she is treat about the same as the boy's she has the same type of rules and we displine her the same way for things she does wrong. So like I said it is just different with her.

What went different, was that you took your eye off the ball.  Your first one, you probably supervised with an EAGLE EYE.  We all do.  But he really didn't need it much.  Your second one, you watched a little less, and it didn't make a difference, because he's been slow out of the box as well.  So you got complacent.  It happens.  So now you know you need to watch her MUCH more carefully.  Reign her in.  Don't just talk about sex, take her back a few steps, and tell her you don't think she is mature enough to handle "relationships" since: 1)  you lost your trust in her when she broke the rules  {not once, but TWICE Mama--remember the one who "cheated"on her???}, and 2) she spreads it all over facebook.  I'd deep six the facebook, too--but I know I'll be in a minority on that.    



fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Mar. 2, 2013 at 10:05 AM

It's hard when your girls get hurt, but it is a normal part of life that she has to learn to deal with.  If she doesn't learn how to deal with regection now, she's going ot be in for some real problems later on.  I know it's hard but back up and let her come to you about her problems instead of you going to her about her problems.

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 2, 2013 at 10:08 AM
Hate to say it. The drama has just begun. I tried my best to stay out of it the best I could. Let my girls deal with it.
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luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Mar. 2, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Guide her, but let her figure it out on her own, and I agree with Sabertooth...no more boys, she's to young and doesn't need the drama before she is mature enough to really handle it.

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